Top Tips

Some help for you with lifes day to day problems.

MOTORISTS Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.
Pat Jackson

CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.
Peter Hall

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
Micky the Lips

DOCTORS. Tired of licking stamps? Simply attach your stamps to the underside of your tongue stick before the patient says "Aah." Hey presto! Free saliva.
Moe

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
Robert Healey

BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.
Graham Flintoff, Gateshead

MANUFACTURERS of Gilette razors. Leapfrog Wilkinson Sword's inevitable six-bladed resonse to your new five-blader, and immediately release a seven-bladed razor.
T Thorn, Hexham

LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.
Barno, London

DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
Shauny Boy

TEENAGERS. Make sure your dad doesn't find out you've been watching his porn films by not whistling the theme tune to Emmanuelle at the dinner table.
Richard Bowen

FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.
L Zebra, Chessington

SUPERMARKETS. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.
Serena Keough

WEIGHT watchers. After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump.
Nick Brook

PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.
Sam

Minimise the risk of breaking your arm by avoiding swans wherever possible.
H Lloyd, Billingham

Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
R Simple

To make a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise.
SA, Derby

EPILEPTICS. Next time you have a seizure, check yourself in the toilet mirror afterwards to make sure your best friends haven't drawn glasses on your face with a marker pen to the amusement of the rest of the nightclub.
J Roo

TVBOSSES. Improve the quality of live TV news by giving 'roving reporters' the sack on air if they say 'erm...' more than three times in a single report.
Mark Glover, Coventry

MICRA drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as 'fifth gear'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.
Rebecca

SKATEBOARDERS Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
Lee Christopher

LADIES Whentreating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
Lee Henman

McDONALD'S Save money on glass by not building a 'window number 1' in your drive throughs as there is invariably never anybody there.
M. B. Lloyd, Fawdon

MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it's too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.
Trev

SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
Graham Marsh

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
J Calabas

ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.
A Mawdsley

FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."
Brian Clark

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Ryan McCaffrey

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Nick Pettigrew, London

TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
David Bushell

CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.
Stanley Etherington

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
A Langley, Broadstairs

FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
D Clegg, Cirencester

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.
Paul Collins

SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
James Powell-Brett

BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
Tycho Andrews, Fulham

DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
Jamaal

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
Johnny the E

SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.
Ed Wullbeck

PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.
Matthew Phillimore