LOAD OF JOKES 4 MEN (Courtesy of Mundayweb)

Jokes 4 Men

Contents:
General
99 reasons why beer is better than women
Why dogs are better than women
Why coffee is better than women
10 things that suck about being a guy
Why it is great to be a man
Things most women will never say
Feeling like a woman

General
Q: Why are hangovers better then women?
A: A hangover will go away.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman’s breasts for?
A: It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.

Q: What does a 75 yr. old woman have between her breasts, that a 25 yr. old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: Did you here about the man who finally figured out women?
A: He died of laughing before he could tell anyone.

Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

Q: How do you make a woman scream for an hour after sex?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one, and go in the other.

Q: If your wife keeps coming in from the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: You’ve made her chain too long.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come, they’re wet and wild, and when they’ve gone they take your house and car with them.

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q: Why do women scratch their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
A: they don’t have balls to scratch.

Q: A woman said to her firend, "Do you smoke after sex?"
A: "Gosh, I've never looked," she replied.

Q: Did you hear about 'good time Sal'?
A: When she died they had to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: 'Cos once you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box!

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear, the other's a damn good year!

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: Why do they call it P.M.S.???
A: Because the term "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Q: What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: A computer will go down on you more often than you'd like. But you only have to punch information into a computer once.

Up to contents

99 reasons why beer is better than women:
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.

5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. hangovers eventually go away.

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

16. A beer always goes down gently.

17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.

18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.

19. A beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. A beer doesn't care when you come.

22. You can have a beer in public.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.

26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.

27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.

28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.

29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.

30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.

31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.

32. Beer looks the same in the morning.

33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.

34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.

35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.

36. Beer doesn't get cramps.

37. Beer doesn't have a mother.

38. Beer doesn't have morals.

39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.

40. Beer always listens and never argues.

41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.

42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.

44. Beer doesn't demand legality.

45. Beer is never overweight.

46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.

48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.

49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.

50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.

51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.

52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.

53. Beer never changes its mind.

54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.

55. Beer never asks you to change the station.

56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.

57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.

58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.

59. Beer is always easy to pick up.

60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.

61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.

62. Beer NEVER says no.

63. Beer is easy to get into.

64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.

65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.

66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.

67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.

68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.

69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.

70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.

71. Beer doesn't blow you off.

72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.

73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.

74. Beer doesn't mind football season.

75. A beer won't make you go to church.

76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.

77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".

79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.

80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".

81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.

82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig

83. A beer will never make you see its parents

84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.

85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.

86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.

87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.

88. A beer won't smoke in your car.

89. A beer never watchs opera.

90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.

92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.

93. A beer never fishes for compliments.

94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.

95. Beer tastes good.

96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.

97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.

98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

Up to contents

Why dogs are better than women
Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is just for a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine your relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

If a dog gets old and starts to snap at you constantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

Dogs never buy Kenny G or Michael Bolton albums.

Dogs never put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It is legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, not in your wallet, your pockets, or your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

A dog would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

Up to contents

Why Coffee is better than Women
1. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.

2. You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.

3. INSTANT COFFEE!

4. Coffee never runs out.

5. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

6. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

7. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

8. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

9. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

10. Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

11. White men can take black coffee home to their parents.

12. Coffee goes down easier.

13. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.

14. You can always heat up coffee.

15. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

16. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

17. Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.

18. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

19. Coffee is cheap

Up to contents

10 Things that Suck About Being a Guy
1) You have to take out the garbage.

2) Being told to put the seat down.

3) No sofas in your restrooms.

4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

8) You have to wear ties.

9) You can't flirt your way out of a traffic ticket.

10) "Women and children first."

Up to contents

Why it's great to be a MAN!
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress £1500; Tux rental £100.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, all the time.

Up to contents

Things Most Women Will Never Say
You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again?? Kick ass

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day!

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You are so much smarter than my father.

Up to contents

Feeling Like A Woman
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front ofher, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

She eagerly nods her head "yes!"

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."