Britexpat's car breaks down along the expressway one day, so brit eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police why he put two deviants along the side of the road, britexpat replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two people showed up. One was britexpat and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, “I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to britexpat and asked, “Can you top that?”
Brit replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
britexpat used to be an altar boy when he was young.. One day he goes to the Father and says
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Britexpat?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Brit, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Annie O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Toole, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped Britexpat, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go away and behave yourself.'
Britexpat walks back to his pew, and his friend UkEng slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
Tinkerbell was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
Tinkerbell freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
Tinkerbell said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." Tinkerbell replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." Tinkerbell said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and Tinkerbell answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so".
That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought :
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
They started eating curry and nan! WK had his share and finished eating in 10 minutes. Rizks ordered most of the dishes along with a plate full of Nan breads. He was still eating after half an hour. At which the waiter asked how much more nans Sir. Wk I not sure about how many nans, All I know is that he eats for one whole hour!
Britexpat and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. During the anniversary dinner, Brit was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Brit, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Brit responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness
-- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
UkEngQatar and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
I heard he went to a really expensive restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous...
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
Rizks looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again Rizks thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. '
I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me Sir, can you help me? I don't know where I am, I had promised someone, I should be there."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer", said the lady .
"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well", answered the lady in the balloon, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even
more."
The engineer below responded, "You must be in Top Management."
"I am", replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know?"
"Well", said the Engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep,and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems."
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.
Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.
All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.
"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".
"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"
"Yes" replied the girl.
"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
I don't have another joke, but an incident that occurred recently..
Rizks goes into a bar notices a beautiful, gorgeous curvaceous, stunning woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. He asks the barman about her, but he says that he doesn't know her, although her name is Snessy.
Smitten, Rizks waits for another week and then makes his move.
"No thank you," says Snessy politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," says Rizks.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
Fresh from the shower, the wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, she fetch a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. 'How long will
this take?'she asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' the husband replies. She stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Qatar's winter months are brimming with unmissable experiences, from the AFC Asian Cup 2023 to the World Aquatics Championships Doha 2024 and a variety of outdoor adventures and cultural delights.
Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a sweet escape into the world of budget-friendly Mango Sticky Rice that's sure to satisfy both your cravings and your budget!
Celebrate World Vegan Day with our list of vegan food outlets offering an array of delectable options, spanning from colorful salads to savory shawarma and indulgent desserts.
Chocoholic.... Sadly, I have really bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. :O(
Britexpat's car breaks down along the expressway one day, so brit eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police why he put two deviants along the side of the road, britexpat replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
You hit a raw nerve. i wish i could exercise more. I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. :O(
Doctors tell us there are over seventy million people who are overweight.
These, of course, are only round figures.
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two people showed up. One was britexpat and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, “I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to britexpat and asked, “Can you top that?”
Brit replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”
lol
Well It's late and i'm tired..
I went to Doha Zoo today and saw this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
Ha ha! Brit...I have a broken guitar for sale - no strings attached...
LoL - She would say that ..
I don't like to mess with her, 'cause she knows this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants.
It's Weggie Kray.
"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
Why is it that no matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that cuppa ?.
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
BA has made a statement about flights out of Heathrow:
"I ain't getting on no plane, fool!"
WK.... Don't remind me of my altar boy days.. It was a pain in the arse :O)
Picture an old people's home for QLers..
An old lady walks up to one of the male patients, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", puts her skirt down and walks away.
She then walks up another male patient, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", drops her skirt and walks away.
She then walks up to another man, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", drops her skirt.
The man looks at her and says..."I'll take the soup"
britexpat used to be an altar boy when he was young.. One day he goes to the Father and says
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Britexpat?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Brit, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Annie O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Toole, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped Britexpat, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go away and behave yourself.'
Britexpat walks back to his pew, and his friend UkEng slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.
tsk tsk brit lol
.
Tinkerbell was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
Tinkerbell freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
Tinkerbell said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." Tinkerbell replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." Tinkerbell said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and Tinkerbell answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so".
That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought :
"I don't fukcing think so".
Went into Carrefour last night.
Said to the lady, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
She said, "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?"
love it:-D
Oh that's bad. Da is sooo gonna kill us.
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
That is terrible.............
By the way, I just realised why DaRuDe wears a thobe.
So that the sheep doesn't hear the zipper .........
Britexpat, UKEng, and DaRuDe were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
Brit said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."
UKEng echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."
DaRuDe sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "
Night Night tinKer.:)
Rizks went into a restaurant with WK.
They started eating curry and nan! WK had his share and finished eating in 10 minutes. Rizks ordered most of the dishes along with a plate full of Nan breads. He was still eating after half an hour. At which the waiter asked how much more nans Sir. Wk I not sure about how many nans, All I know is that he eats for one whole hour!
lol Tinker..widow always knows where her husband is..:)
Had a funny experience last night. I went to the nightclub down the road and the bouncers says I can't come in without a tie.
So I went to the boot of my car and got a pair of jump leads, wrapped them aound my neck and went back to the doormen.
"Can I come in now,' I said to the bouncers.
'Yeah, but don't start anything'' he said ...
Santa was having Ice Cream when BritExpat bumped into him.
Britexpat appologised and said Sorry.
Santa Replied I won't even give you half you want Sarry (whole).
Santa was was in a hurry walking his bike along with him.
A friend of his was sitting in a cafe having Karak Chai. Santa Santa come sit down lets have a cup of tea.
Santa replies if I had time would I not sit on my bike!
Tinker lol..:)
First man: My wife is an Angel..
Second Man: Lucky you mine's still alive!
wife was yawning when he puts a panadol in her mouth. She says why did you do that, I don't have headache. He says ok then let's do.
LOL... I remember the day she said, "I do".. It was a shock to me , because I didn't think she did ..
Anyway, did you hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse?
Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered “No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!”
Britexpat and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. During the anniversary dinner, Brit was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Brit, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Brit responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness
-- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
I went to a Weightwatchers class last night. I got kicked out for asking where the viewing area was.
What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
A bowl of surreal.
I just saw somebody kill a Werewolf with regular bullets.
Surely that's against the lore?
Two drovers standing in a bar.
One asked, "What are you up to?"
"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.
He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."
I said, "Hard work?"
He said, "No, you're just really ugly."
Paris Hilton has been denied entry to Japan.
I think it's unfair. No one has ever been denied entry to Paris.
Lady 1: How come your husband is always home on time?
Lady 2: I have made a simple rule. SEX will be at 5 PM, whether you are here or not.
UkEngQatar and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
LOL!
britey then how did he egg boiled ? :(
Rizks' GF is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for brekkie.
As Rizks walks in. She turns and says, "I want you this very moment"
His eyes light up and he thinks, this is my lucky day.
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks honey," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The bloody egg timer's broken."
Why my name is being called here ? :(
LOL Choco..
Aw, poor Rizks.
I heard he went to a really expensive restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous...
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
Rizks looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again Rizks thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Did you know that poor Rizks is illiterate and ambidextrous.
He is unable to write, with both hands. :O(
Brit this one for you
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. '
I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.
'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.
'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'
'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
Oh! it's really going too funny here...
ROFL...
Did you hear about the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun ?
Lol Brit , that was good one :)))))
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me Sir, can you help me? I don't know where I am, I had promised someone, I should be there."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer", said the lady .
"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well", answered the lady in the balloon, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even
more."
The engineer below responded, "You must be in Top Management."
"I am", replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know?"
"Well", said the Engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep,and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems."
A lady had four sons and every one name was Robert.
How do you call specific Robert? A man asked
It is simple. I call him by his surname
Ha ha - love it :-)
A QL blonde was admitted to Hamad hospital today after having phone sex.
Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !
Husband: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!
Then there was this Scotsman who needed money so badly he had to take some out of the bank!!!
Brit did you hear about the guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish. He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.
lol snessy and chocholic...
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.
MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.
Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.
All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.
"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".
"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"
"Yes" replied the girl.
"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"
LOL snessy!
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to f*ck off."
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
A seventy-five year old White guy, his hair was completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, “Well, how’d I do?”
The nurse says: “She had twins.”
He says, “Heh, heh, heh…well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there’s snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.”
She says, “Well, then you’d better change filters. Both of the babies are black.”
Jack asked What is the time now?
FU replied sadly...very bad time at QL this days due to newbees, no attention, no respect...Only increasing credit burden.....
Rizks play cricket well with spin attack.(Old Ball)
lol Qatarkiwi....:)
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into.
Newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
britey plz if tatz a joke, STOP posting this kinda jokez...:(
what happened brit all talk in xxx terms?
....zzzzZZZZZ....
Sorry about that..
I don't have another joke, but an incident that occurred recently..
Rizks goes into a bar notices a beautiful, gorgeous curvaceous, stunning woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. He asks the barman about her, but he says that he doesn't know her, although her name is Snessy.
Smitten, Rizks waits for another week and then makes his move.
"No thank you," says Snessy politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," says Rizks.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
And speaking of terrorists, did you see Osama's latest tweet?
Couldn't understand it Brit.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.
I've had it right up to here with them.
LMAO WK...tatz a good one ! :)
Brit, that is a very complex joke, took 10 min to understand and had to press really hard to smile.
britey why there is a * in between C.nt ? :(
he who laughs last didn't get it ;o
Come on Rizks... read it again :O)
britexpat plz forgive me, was tat a Joke ? :(
I am a tubelight....
Serious?? Where??
Anyway here is one, an old one but still good..
Fresh from the shower, the wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, she fetch a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. 'How long will
this take?'she asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' the husband replies. She stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
hmmmm :(:(
hmmmmmmmmmm :( :(