Irish Jokes ........... no offence pleassssss
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Power to the non believers, it’s a great feeling to have and hold.
One more... switch the island for Qatar?
They'd been stranded on the island now for over two years. Three shipwrecked sailors who had been lucky to survive and had made the best of the natural resources they'd found. But now it was becoming obvious that there was no possible hope of rescue. Doomed to a lonely, monotonous existence, they sat on the beach and stared out to sea. Suddenly there was a glint in the water - yes - definitely something shining, bouncing on the waves. Yes, there it was, a bottle. Yes, a bottle. Maybe there was a message in it it was certainly corked.
Quickly, Angus the Scot snatched it up and pulled out the cork.
There was a huge puff of smoke and out curled a genie.
'Thank you, master. You have released me from an evil curse. And to reward you I shall grant each of you a wish. What will they be?'
'Well,' said Angus, 'I'd like ten million pounds, a country estate in Scotland and a beautiful wife.'
'It shall be done,' said the genie and Angus disappeared to be re-sited in Scotland.
'As for me,' said Quentin, 'I'd also like ten million pounds, but my estate would be in lovely Hampshire with my darling Dorothy there to love me.'
'It shall be done,' said the genie again, and off went the Englishman.
'And what about you?' said the spirit to Murphy. 'What is your wish?'
'Well,' said the Kerryman, 'I don't want money or land. I'm lonely and need company. I wish the two lads were back here!'
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A wise young crackpot knows no fear - Ian Dury.
As also of Irish descent this is good fun, and not even been to pub yet. Given my penchant for BSapphire this is natural...
"Excuse me, landlord, but do lemons have legs?" asked O'Connor.
"I don't think so, why do you ask?"
"Well, I think I've squeezed your budgie into me gin!"
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A wise young crackpot knows no fear - Ian Dury.
'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist.
'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer.
Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself.
'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman.
'What now?' asked the tourist.
'It'll take you about ten minutes.'
'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman.
'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.
this one makes me really laugh..all by myself...
Know what I think?
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom, getting aggravated replies, 'Ok then, now tell me what you think'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
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HE WHO DARES WINS
Thanks guys for a nice start to the weekend.
...Avada Kedavra..
just reading your posts made me a quick smile..even i don't feel like one..
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says,
'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.
He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
And takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi 'Jesus.... I'm fockin ' focked,'he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, Opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says
'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
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HE WHO DARES WINS
yummy
This proves I have Irish blood :(
Begorrah.. tiple post :(
Bejabbers ... Double post :(
You too.. You are propogating this sterotype..
I would send my cousing paddy to have words with you, but he is in prison at the moment..
He was picked up on a rape charge.
He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere! "
He should be out in three years.
The Olympic skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his face. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again.
Up went the marks of the judges.
Great Britain 0.0
Germany 0.0
France 0.0
Ireland 3.4
'Why the score of 3.4?' asked the other officials.
'Well,' said Judge Murphy, 'You've got to make allowances. I mean it was terrible slippy out there!'
sterotyping..
I would come over there and have a stern word with you, but I and my new beloved wife are on our honeymoon at present.
We are both very tired since we've been sitting up all night waiting for our sexual relations to arrive!