How to drive like an Arab in 7 easy steps

How to drive like an Arab in 7 easy steps

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#1 Two wheels are better than four
#2 Don't hog the middle lane
#3 Never text and drive
#4 Change flat tyres in a safe location
#5 Adjust your technique in adverse weather
#6 Dents will buff out
#7 Be respectful of cyclists

If you live in the Western world, you probably have a fair amount of driving experience. You probably think you're God's gift to the steering wheel, that you're the next Jenson Button, but here's a newsflash: Drivers on the Arabian peninsula will hand you your a5s. Middle-Eastern motorists are known to display the sort of wheelmanship that can make an F1 driver feel inadequate. This is a fact – we've seen them in action. So with this in mind we've put together a guide that can help's talentless Westerners learn from our friends in the Arab world. Watch and learn, automotive infidels.*

#1 Two wheels are better than four

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHWzHHmmDxI

Cars are designed to ride on four wheels. However some Arab drivers employ the advanced technique of balancing a car on two wheels. While potentially unsafe (there is considerable risk of overturning and won't be able to see a damn thing out of your wing mirror) it does provide the added benefit of reducing tyre wear by 50 per cent.

#2 Don't hog the middle lane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=co31FmVA3fE

Nobody likes a middle-lane hog – hell, there are laws against that sort of thing. The Arab driver in this video is obviously very mindful of his fellow motorists. He shows admirable lane discipline, moving from one lane to the next only as necessary. His only misdemeanor as far as we can tell is the fact he may have passed a school bus while going slightly sideways. But we can't see anything in the Highway Code about not letting your mates fire AK47s out of the window.

#3 Never text and drive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=r2xrRvD-O_M

Texting and driving is highly distracting. In fact, research has found even voice-to-text apps are as much of a distraction as old-school key mashing. You are much better off following this guy's example and letting someone else do the driving while you kick back, possibly on the bonnet of your moving vehicle, so you can devote your full attention to sending those urgent LOLs.

#4 Change flat tyres in a safe location

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVXMMHWID08

Stopping on the hard shoulder to change a flat tyre can be highly risky. It's easy to be hit by a passing car or to provoke the attention of passing weirdos. A good Arab driver is only too aware of this and will perform the task while still in motion.

#5 Adjust your technique in adverse weather

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=o9xGnVwVTM4

A good driver will know how fast to drive when it rains. Sometimes going more slowly is imperative, such as when there are people in your way. At other times, when the traffic looks fairly light, it's perfectly acceptable to go much much faster.

#6 Dents will buff out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rlOg7eaK8HQ

Cars crash. It's a proven fact and the quicker you get over that fact, the better. Fear can paralyze a person behind the wheel and make them a more dangerous driver, so loosen up, accept that drifting on the public highway could result in you flipping your car on the roof, and get on with life. Just like these guys (the ones who are actually still alive, that is).

#7 Be respectful of cyclists

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=PzC6yU6DhkY

Most cyclists are law-abiding road citizens who should be treated as such. They have as much right to use the roads as motorists do, particularly when they're as handy with their equipment as this badboy drifter. Anyone that can donut a two-wheeled vehicle that doesn't even have an engine deserves our full respect.

*Please don't do any of this.