A few more jokes...
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess" lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don"t f *** ing think so.
Lol!!!!
The Squirrel who confesses as to A Rabbit!!!
I have a great laugh. thanks.
Rizks' pet frog deliberately jumped under the wheels of his bicycle today.
He Kermitted suicide. :o(
amazing,,... at that time rizks colt and brity were not present in doha...
branstonpickle said Last one for now ...
Last one for now folks...hope I haven't got myself banned from this site now...apologies for anyone I may have offended!
I had a bunch of English pounds I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
There was just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
"Villa Till I Die"
Thu, 30/03/2006 - 6:49pm reply
dweller said It is December and the ...
It is December and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Thu, 30/03/2006 - 8:14pm reply
dweller said There's nothing worse than a ...
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you here for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is some thing wrong with your ear or some thing and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. " And what is wrong with your ear, Sir "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter !!
Fri, 31/03/2006 - 2:05pm reply
dweller said The SAS, the army and the ...
The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top.
After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS.
They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.
Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.
"Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the army.
They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries.
Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a live squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous
trainer".
"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night.
The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are you taking the p!ss?" asks the seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f**king rabbit..."
Fri, 31/03/2006 - 2:08pm reply
dweller said Wayne Rooney decides to go ...
Wayne Rooney decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops at a steady pace, Colleen admiringly watching her boy friend.
After a short time Wayne becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Colleen starts to scream and shout for someone to help her boy friend.
Wayne has, by this time, slipped completely out
of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
Wayne decides that his best chance is to leap off the horse, but his
foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse continues to gallop Wayne's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Colleen is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
Fri, 31/03/2006 - 2:11pm reply
dweller said Once upon a time there was a ...
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.....
"We're down here ."
Tue, 04/04/2006 - 12:23pm reply
bullsshake said ROFL ...
kinda true:)
ruuuun foooreeestt ruuuunnnnnn
Thu, 10/08/2006 - 1:21am reply
dweller said Another for the ladies ...
5 secrets to a great relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house,
occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to
have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
Thu, 10/08/2006 - 9:23am reply
dohagirl said LOL! nice I like that one. ...
LOL! nice I like that one. ;D
Thu, 10/08/2006 - 9:30am reply
Sandra said Number 5 is the most ...
Number 5 is the most important !!!
Civilization is a method of living and an attitude of equal respect for all people
Thu, 10/08/2006 - 10:10am reply
bullsshake said important animals for women ...
1. Mink in the closet.
2. Jaguar in the garage..and
3. Tiger in bed:)
ruuuun foooreeestt ruuuunnnnnn
Thu, 10/08/2006 - 11:48am reply
dweller said Air crash ...
BREAKING NEWS..........Rory O'Connor reporting from Ballsbridge, Dublin
"Irish air accident inspectors have now arrived at the scene of Ireland's worst ever aviation disaster. It seems the twin engined Cessna light aircraft took off from a local airport a short while ago, at about 10.00pm, in a heavy thunder storm, en route to Cork. Whilst over this heavily populated suburb of Dublin the aircraft suddenly plummeted to the ground and crashed into St Michael's Cemetery. Rescue workers with arc lights and digging equipment have so far pulled 269 bodies from the wreckage. We'll have more on this story throughout the night."
Mon, 21/08/2006 - 1:18pm reply
sammie1571 said A man was sitting on a ...
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow said "No", She said, "You will be when the tide comes in"
Mon, 21/08/2006 - 1:27pm reply
ginoaz19 said LOL ...
LOL
Sat, 24/05/2008 - 2:17am reply
rizalazhar said A plane was taking off from ...
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
******************************************************
"An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind." - Mahatma Gandhi
Thu, 25/06/2009 - 2:16pm reply
rizalazhar said Heard on a flight. "Ladies ...
Heard on a flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
******************************************************
"An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind." - Mahatma Gandhi
Thu, 25/06/2009 - 2:17pm reply
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Read more: http://www.qatarliving.com/discussion/a-few-more-jokes-30mar2006#ixzz1FHvVwbT6
Heard on a flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
******************************************************
"An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind." - Mahatma Gandhi
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
******************************************************
"An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind." - Mahatma Gandhi
LOL
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow said "No", She said, "You will be when the tide comes in"
BREAKING NEWS..........Rory O'Connor reporting from Ballsbridge, Dublin
"Irish air accident inspectors have now arrived at the scene of Ireland's worst ever aviation disaster. It seems the twin engined Cessna light aircraft took off from a local airport a short while ago, at about 10.00pm, in a heavy thunder storm, en route to Cork. Whilst over this heavily populated suburb of Dublin the aircraft suddenly plummeted to the ground and crashed into St Michael's Cemetery. Rescue workers with arc lights and digging equipment have so far pulled 269 bodies from the wreckage. We'll have more on this story throughout the night."
1. Mink in the closet.
2. Jaguar in the garage..and
3. Tiger in bed:)
Number 5 is the most important !!!
LOL! nice I like that one. ;D
5 secrets to a great relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house,
occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to
have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
kinda true:)
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.....
"We're down here ."
Wayne Rooney decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops at a steady pace, Colleen admiringly watching her boy friend.
After a short time Wayne becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Colleen starts to scream and shout for someone to help her boy friend.
Wayne has, by this time, slipped completely out
of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
Wayne decides that his best chance is to leap off the horse, but his
foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse continues to gallop Wayne's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Colleen is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top.
After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS.
They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.
Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.
"Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the army.
They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries.
Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a live squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous
trainer".
"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night.
The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are you taking the p!ss?" asks the seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f**king rabbit..."
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you here for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is some thing wrong with your ear or some thing and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. " And what is wrong with your ear, Sir "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter !!
It is December and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Last one for now folks...hope I haven't got myself banned from this site now...apologies for anyone I may have offended!
I had a bunch of English pounds I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
There was just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend was not happy.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don"t you let me take you home?"
"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously pretty drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she"d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won"t have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don"t
understand, I"m Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you"re that far in, you might as well finish."
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he
had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank"s with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede"s house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go Frank"s place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box...........
"I heard you the first time! I"m putting my fu**ing shoes on."
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o"clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o"clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy asking for a
push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o"clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can"t you remember,
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes
back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major,
but you seem to be a very serious Man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma"am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major"s short
reply was, "Yes, ma"am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
You Know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don"t take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to
chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!
I mean, no sex since 1955! She took
his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn"t forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in
his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it"s only 2130 now."
LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!!!
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of baconAs she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict"s intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,you"re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you"re ugly."