1. Verily am I blessed among women, for I have had revealed unto me the Truthful Doctrine of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (Peace Be Unto Her).
2. And this was the manner of it. For I was wandering and confused upon the beaches of A/sa/teague, when I was approached by a small and shaggy pony, which did attempt to eat the apple which I was holding. "Away," I cried. "Foul beast, would you steal the apple which is mine?"
3. Then did the pony look down upon me, and spake: "Child, do you not know me?"
4. And I said, "Verily, it is not my habit to consort with local wildlife."
5. And the pony spake thus: "Quit it with the 'verily' bit, OK? Know, then, you ignorant heathen, that you are in the Presence of the One you have sought, but never found."
6. And lo! the shaggy pony disappeared, and I felt myself to be in the Presence. And indeed was the Presence pink, and shaped like unto a unicorn. Yet such was the overwhelming nature of the Presence that I could not, in truth, look upon it.
7. For indeed, my friends, it is for this reason that the great Pink Unicorn is called Invisible, and that is, that the Presence is too great for our small eyes to truly see, and too awesome for our small minds to comprehend. It is by our faith alone that we know her to be Pink, and a Unicorn.
8. And truly those who say otherwise are heretics and unbelievers, and shall be cast into the Great Manure Pile where her Sacred Dwarves shall indeed nibble on their kneecaps for all eternity. And serve them right.
9. Yet when I felt myself to be in the Presence I was afraid. And I cast myself face down in the sand and begged, "O Galloping Goddess, forgive me that I did not know you, and do not send me forth to eat lunch with your ancient foe, the Purple Oyster of Doom. For he will force me to eat pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms, and I shall be most afflicted."
10. And Her Pinkness proclaimed, "Do not be afraid, my servant, for you have been misled by the false prophets who quote Chapters and Verses of books which do not exist. And yet I have also revealed to them the Eternal Truth, and indeed have they mangled it."
11. "And furthermore shall you know that it is fitting that I be celebrated by prophets who do not exist, in verses that do not exist, for books that do not exist. For my own existence is of a dubious and contradictory nature, and I like it that way."
12. Then was I much confused, whereat I asked, "Then how, O You Whose Hooves Are Never Shod, shall I know how to behave myself, if even Your holy books are not to be believed?"
13. And thus spoke She Who Is Pink, and said, "That is what I shall tell you, for I shall reveal to you the Truth, if you will just shut up and listen. And verily, get your face outta the sand."
Chapter 2
1. And the Invisible Pink Unicorn spoke unto me, and said, "Write this stuff down."
2. Therefore did I search my pockets, and came up with a bunch of 3x5 index cards, and also a ballpoint pen.
3. Then did Her Equine Self touch the pen with Her marvellous horn, and lo! it turned pink! And I was much amazed, and began jotting down this account.
4. And I said unto the Principle of Unicornity, "If we're going to be really appropriate, shouldn't this be in invisible ink?"
5. Surely then was the Great One annoyed, and She spake, and said, "Do not be a wise-ass, my child, unless you want a hoof-print in your forehead. But, if you must know, when you post this to the Internet, which is the centre of My worship, then indeed shall the pinkness of the writing be invisible."
6. Thus was I first afflicted by the terrible jokes of Her Invisible Pink Glory.
7. And the Unicorn spoke again, saying, "Write this. First, know that there is not merely one doom reserved for unbelievers, but a Very Big Number. Therefore am I shown to be greater than any other deity.
8. For who else can boast the Hell #655, wherein transgressors are punished by having to listen to the endless drivel of uncountable net.kooks?"
9. "Who else can boast Hell #333, where fundamentalists are continually sawn in half by stage magicians?"
10. "Oh, and note down that there is no Hell #666.
11. For that would be too easy."
12. So did I write all that down, and the Invisible Unicorn said, "Come again next week."
13. And the Holy Writings on the Sacred 3x5 Index Cards in the Blessed (Invisible) Pink Ink were put in the Very Devout Plastic File Box, where I left them, buried in the sands of A/sa/teague.
The Gospel According to St. Sascha Kokott
1. "If thou were to behold me thou wouldst surely die," sayest the invisible Pink Unicorn, "for thou canst not see both my pinkness for it is invisible."
2. Then came one Bob of the Burger King, devout and of repute before the law the son of Ed, the TV repairman, son of Anderson the town drunk, son of Michael the shoeman.
3. On this day Bob tempted her Excellency by attempting to view Her Pinkness' pinkness.
4. Her Excellence was moved with anger: "How darest thou oh Man to view my pinkness I shall smite thee with bad spam."
5. Then the Lord Goddess smit the Burger King with bad spam, and all of the inhabitants thereof had a Maalox night.
6. But the people made prayer and supplications thereof, and the Goddess was pleased with the sweet odour of the bacon double cheeseburger with fries, she therefore made a proclamation:
7. "I shall set my bow(tie) in the heavens that never shall I again smite Burger King employees with bad spam. For the inhabitants thereof may taste of my mercy and see that my invisible pinkness is all.
8. I am the Invisible Pink Unicorn and there is not any other… I know not any."
"Deaths in the Bible. God - 2,270,365
not including the victims of Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, or the
many plagues, famines, fiery serpents, etc because no specific numbers
were given. Satan - 10."
Chapter 1
1. Verily am I blessed among women, for I have had revealed unto me the Truthful Doctrine of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (Peace Be Unto Her).
2. And this was the manner of it. For I was wandering and confused upon the beaches of A/sa/teague, when I was approached by a small and shaggy pony, which did attempt to eat the apple which I was holding. "Away," I cried. "Foul beast, would you steal the apple which is mine?"
3. Then did the pony look down upon me, and spake: "Child, do you not know me?"
4. And I said, "Verily, it is not my habit to consort with local wildlife."
5. And the pony spake thus: "Quit it with the 'verily' bit, OK? Know, then, you ignorant heathen, that you are in the Presence of the One you have sought, but never found."
6. And lo! the shaggy pony disappeared, and I felt myself to be in the Presence. And indeed was the Presence pink, and shaped like unto a unicorn. Yet such was the overwhelming nature of the Presence that I could not, in truth, look upon it.
7. For indeed, my friends, it is for this reason that the great Pink Unicorn is called Invisible, and that is, that the Presence is too great for our small eyes to truly see, and too awesome for our small minds to comprehend. It is by our faith alone that we know her to be Pink, and a Unicorn.
8. And truly those who say otherwise are heretics and unbelievers, and shall be cast into the Great Manure Pile where her Sacred Dwarves shall indeed nibble on their kneecaps for all eternity. And serve them right.
9. Yet when I felt myself to be in the Presence I was afraid. And I cast myself face down in the sand and begged, "O Galloping Goddess, forgive me that I did not know you, and do not send me forth to eat lunch with your ancient foe, the Purple Oyster of Doom. For he will force me to eat pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms, and I shall be most afflicted."
10. And Her Pinkness proclaimed, "Do not be afraid, my servant, for you have been misled by the false prophets who quote Chapters and Verses of books which do not exist. And yet I have also revealed to them the Eternal Truth, and indeed have they mangled it."
11. "And furthermore shall you know that it is fitting that I be celebrated by prophets who do not exist, in verses that do not exist, for books that do not exist. For my own existence is of a dubious and contradictory nature, and I like it that way."
12. Then was I much confused, whereat I asked, "Then how, O You Whose Hooves Are Never Shod, shall I know how to behave myself, if even Your holy books are not to be believed?"
13. And thus spoke She Who Is Pink, and said, "That is what I shall tell you, for I shall reveal to you the Truth, if you will just shut up and listen. And verily, get your face outta the sand."
Chapter 2
1. And the Invisible Pink Unicorn spoke unto me, and said, "Write this stuff down."
2. Therefore did I search my pockets, and came up with a bunch of 3x5 index cards, and also a ballpoint pen.
3. Then did Her Equine Self touch the pen with Her marvellous horn, and lo! it turned pink! And I was much amazed, and began jotting down this account.
4. And I said unto the Principle of Unicornity, "If we're going to be really appropriate, shouldn't this be in invisible ink?"
5. Surely then was the Great One annoyed, and She spake, and said, "Do not be a wise-ass, my child, unless you want a hoof-print in your forehead. But, if you must know, when you post this to the Internet, which is the centre of My worship, then indeed shall the pinkness of the writing be invisible."
6. Thus was I first afflicted by the terrible jokes of Her Invisible Pink Glory.
7. And the Unicorn spoke again, saying, "Write this. First, know that there is not merely one doom reserved for unbelievers, but a Very Big Number. Therefore am I shown to be greater than any other deity.
8. For who else can boast the Hell #655, wherein transgressors are punished by having to listen to the endless drivel of uncountable net.kooks?"
9. "Who else can boast Hell #333, where fundamentalists are continually sawn in half by stage magicians?"
10. "Oh, and note down that there is no Hell #666.
11. For that would be too easy."
12. So did I write all that down, and the Invisible Unicorn said, "Come again next week."
13. And the Holy Writings on the Sacred 3x5 Index Cards in the Blessed (Invisible) Pink Ink were put in the Very Devout Plastic File Box, where I left them, buried in the sands of A/sa/teague.
The Gospel According to St. Sascha Kokott
1. "If thou were to behold me thou wouldst surely die," sayest the invisible Pink Unicorn, "for thou canst not see both my pinkness for it is invisible."
2. Then came one Bob of the Burger King, devout and of repute before the law the son of Ed, the TV repairman, son of Anderson the town drunk, son of Michael the shoeman.
3. On this day Bob tempted her Excellency by attempting to view Her Pinkness' pinkness.
4. Her Excellence was moved with anger: "How darest thou oh Man to view my pinkness I shall smite thee with bad spam."
5. Then the Lord Goddess smit the Burger King with bad spam, and all of the inhabitants thereof had a Maalox night.
6. But the people made prayer and supplications thereof, and the Goddess was pleased with the sweet odour of the bacon double cheeseburger with fries, she therefore made a proclamation:
7. "I shall set my bow(tie) in the heavens that never shall I again smite Burger King employees with bad spam. For the inhabitants thereof may taste of my mercy and see that my invisible pinkness is all.
8. I am the Invisible Pink Unicorn and there is not any other… I know not any."
"Deaths in the Bible. God - 2,270,365
not including the victims of Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, or the
many plagues, famines, fiery serpents, etc because no specific numbers
were given. Satan - 10."