Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.