joke time
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!"
Stupid Rabbit,Why she try to take the king of forest in marathon?
Tcom....Anyway last one is nice ( Which i read).lol
"Drink Beer Save Water"
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest
when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
--
The rabbit looks at her and says,
"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health.
Come, run with me through the forest!
You'll feel so much better!"
--
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it
and goes off
running with the rabbit.
--
Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health.
Come, run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see,
you'll feel so
good!"
--
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor and
mirror, then tosses
them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
--
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot
up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health!
Come, run with us through the sunny forest, you'll feel
so "good!"
--
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts
to beat the shit
out of the little rabbit.
--
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look
at Lion and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? ...
He was merely trying to help us!"
--
The lion answers,
"That little fucker!
He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot
every time he's
on ecstasy!"
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
tcom the jail one is a holler!!1
do it right - the first time!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes
downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps
into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of
night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember
20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only
16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of my car having sex?" "Yes, I remember"
says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved
the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my
daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I
would have gotten out of jail today"
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.