JJJ. If you want my advice, you MUST get a trainer. It sounds as if your confidence is at an all time low and that is the worst time to have to stick at something hard. You need someone who will be kind and encouraging and as strict as an army PT instructor! (believe me, I have been there) With a personalised workout and support and encouragement, the pounds will fall off. Some people never face up to things and are brave enough to decide to change. You have my admiration and respect. I wish you all the best and if you ever need any support, pm me.