Latest travel advice for tourists visiting UK

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UK Visa Advice for first-time Tourists. Published for Americans but useful to all tourists.

Before embarking upon a UK holiday, here are a few things you should know about the Brits and their language differences. This knowledge may save you considerable embarrassment if you learn it well.

MONEY:

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say, "I'd love to come to the pub but I aven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seven cents $USD.

MAKING FRIENDS:

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

CUSTOMS:

Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.

RELAXING:

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

FOOD AND WINE:

British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for. Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less.

If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

TRANSPORTATION:

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.

Ignore him, as he is only teasing the tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

AIRPORTS:

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom").

As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.