Just some lyrics.
I'm producing a song and these are going to be the lyrics. Tell me what you guys think please! :0)
My feet walk on top of rocks and if I stumble I will rise like the heat that causes the concrete to crumble and crack while I look for someone to ask for a moment where I can co back to where I counted every penny and squeezed every dime because I was blessed with rhythm just like a schism when I would write rhymes while others slept through the night time it's a fine line to take and my eyes are always open and awake so I won't ever break through the lime light to shake you because I'm hidden away covered in night going through these days and it's okay because I fight for my praise and my pay-per lost in the purple haze vapour and it's crazed how these people react when they discover that they were raised to believe in distorted facts so ask me now if I will ever relax and take for granted all of the eyes that look to me disenchanted for a song and rhythm to set them free so they can finally open their minds so follow me!
No, I'm not upset. When I was writing it I thought of it like this though.
blessed with rhythm/just like a schism when I would write...
Anyways, I am going to take what you guys said into consideration and re-write it.
That's why I posted here, to see if it made sense and if it doesn't then I need to make some changes. I don't care if it's good or bad or not your cup of tea. I just like to share what I've done with folks and it's all love from this side of the table! :)
Take care and keep the constructive criticism coming please.
Nope. I've re-read that line and it still makes no sense whatsoever.
You asked for opinions. If those opinions then upset you, then maybe you shouldn't have bothered asking in the first place.
I meant schism as the separation or difference between me being awake at night and those who are sleeping while I write.. Schism = division or separation, right? So I am separated from those who are sleeping by being awake at night. Do you know what schism means? Also, since you seem to know so much more than me about rhyming and how to write lyrics, I would love to see something you've done or some songs you've produced. Who knows, maybe I'll even learn a thing or two... ;)
It's common for people who like to argue and manipulate people's view points to fit their own to take things out of context just like you did redtreble. If you read the whole line it makes sense. "blessed with rhythm just like a schism when I would write rhymes while others slept through the night time."
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/schism
lol, fair enough. All criticism is welcomed. :)
drsam and vinceyvince - the new Lennon and McCartney :)
therefore, i suggest that u alter the meaning to become: i'm blessed by rhymes, i have no troubles with rhymes, they flow freely to my mind... i sleep all night... other rappers are awake all night begging to find a rhymes.
"I was blessed with rhythm...when I would write rhymes while others slept through the night...I fight for my praise"
if u where blessed by rhythm, than rhymes come rushing to ur mind, so u have no trouble writing lyrics, so it's U who should be sleeping tight relaxed at night, while OTHERS mediocre writers fight all night long to find rhymes for their lyrics:
"anamo mel2a jofouny 3an shawaridiha, wa yakhtasimo el kawm min jarraha wa yalta2imi"
from al-moutanabbi one of the greatest arab poets
where he asserts his supperiority among fellow poets: ideas and rhymes come rushing at my door fighting among themselves to be picked my me, while i sleep deeply and carelessly, while other poets starve to find one rhyme and fight among themselves who will use it (the rhyme)
I think it has to have punctuation and clear verses to really appreciate it and be able to imagine the beat or rhythm it will have.
I can't really make sense of the lyrics either :S
Honestly? Dreadful. They look like they've been written by a teenager with a rhyming dictionary. Rhythm just like a schism?!! Really? Do you even know what a schism is?