marriage dilemma!!

honestly a marriage should always be mutual... and the whole kid situation changes alot... especially if its no longer mutual...

my thoughts are simple... if you really love some one... you can make something work out... so if the partner wants a child and the other doesnt at all then consider being a foster parent.

foster parents only house a child until they can be adopted. Then after a while of fostering if both parties still dont agree on being a parent or not being a parent... then the situation has now reached a point were you must consider whither or not this is the real issue...

many people can express them selves as easily as others so they could be hiding other issues... possibly they physically cant have children or they really just arent as happy with the relationship and are just using the child issue as an out.

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just hanging out and watching dvd's with helen keller... kind of a quite night.

Well Most people dont do marry only for children that is totally wrong who agrees

I wasn't keen in my twenties, all I can remember about my thirties is the desire for pregnancy, babies, having them, the agony of losing them, horrendous obstetric problems never before anticipated, and in the middle of it all being extremely lucky to have my lovely daughter at 35. By my early forties the whole 'baby thing' left me, and I'm glad I'm not going through all that again now - but I'll never underestimate it's power.

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"There's this thing called being so open-minded your brains drop out". - Richard Dawkins

for a child, once it sets in, is an all-consuming drive and not something most humans can just ignore or dismiss, no matter how much they love their partner. It becomes a single-minded, passionate need - you've only got to look at some of the lengths people who have problems conceiving will go to to achieve a pregnancy - I mean, don't take it for granted that you actually CAN have one until you try - but then that's a whole new dilemma...

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"There's this thing called being so open-minded your brains drop out". - Richard Dawkins

I can't understand why he doesn't want to make babies???

I thought all men like to do that...

How's that buttercup???

You can't teach experience...

I could still love him with him wanting or not wanting a child!

I know you made the right choice for you Alexa and your children!

Cheers!

*** I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. M. Twain***

I love ur adaptive flexibility...

A loving father who wants them despite the fact that you have to leave and get divorce with the person you shared your life the first time because he doesn't want them.

This is really a difficult situation!

Cheers!

*** I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. M. Twain***

Now this thread is getting really serious..

The above situation:

Let’s say you go into a marriage with both partners not wanting children.

One of you changes his/her mind down the track while the other is still insistent on not wanting kids.

How do you compromise? If your in it for the long haul and love your partner to, "death do you part", should you compromise everything by giving in?

Do marriages survive when there is this division- or not? I guess I’m asking what is the solution, if any!!

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Can you chose not to have a child even you want to compromise with your husband?

or

Can you you have a child even your husband doesn't want it and you will know it will ruin your marriage?

Cheers!

*** I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. M. Twain***

I don't think you will ever resent your child. If you are parenting with your partner you will find a way to carve out your own time. And chiildren are very portable in the first few years at least. They will sleep anywhere.

Look on it as the biggest and best experience of your life. With unbelievable love thrown in.

I was actually ambivalent about having children initially but now I can't believe how blessed I am. It is completely wonderful. _______________________________________________________

Love is the answer...

I know how to sacrifice and when to give it!

Cheers!

*** I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. M. Twain***

"strengthen" their marriage just kill me...I mean, marriage is tough enough as it is...without the stress and strain a baby can put on it...then to go and add more stress and strain, along with no sleep and financial issues...that's just like throwing gasoline on an inferno...

Children are not to be made pawns...they are a lifetime committment, to love, cherish and take care of...and its never easy...but well worth it, IF you want children...Just be aware that its difficult in the best of situations.

One of you is screwed...

You can't teach experience...

hummer any woman who experienced childbirth could never really resent it.i think you can safely get that out of your head.

oh and i should add any normal woman....

do it right - the first time!

I know many cases when husband first didn't want kids (many guys feel this way at the beginning of the marriage, not everyone is ready for taking this responsibility right away), and later, when the wife got pregnant "on purpose accidently ", husband fell in love with his child.. specially it happens towards daughters for some reason..lol.. (It’s common: Husbands desire to have sons, but they love daughters much more)...

As for your case Hammer, I think it is female’s nature to desire kids, it is an instinct, which is sitting deeply in your blood. And I think only some serious negative circumstances may prevent woman from having children. This is the female’s primary mission on the Earth – to produce kids. So it should happen sooner or later (unless, as I said, something prevents woman from having children). So go for it, have a baby.. and better do it sooner than later, trust me...If you love your husband, why would you destroy your marriage, since anyway you will have kids at some point.. so why to wait?

If it is your husband the one who doesn’t want to have kids.. well.. there are three options, i guess: to give up a baby for your husband’s sake; or to get pregnant anyway, hoping he will love the child; or just “pack your stuff”...you decide.. hard to suggest...

But how do you know that eventually you will be happy? You don't. Kid's are a huge responsibility and my concern is resentment. That's what I fear most and to do that to a child is cruel. I could never do that.

'Our freedom is but a light that breaks through from another world'

no half measures allowed...Children are like sponges and absorb EVERYTHING..good and bad...and just because you don't think your child didn't hear your spouse say he/she didn't want a baby..doesn't mean the child didn't hear it and take it to heart.

who will not try to put misery to anyone especially to the people I care about, the situation given is the other person change her/his mind of having a kid.

If I am the one who will want a kid and the other one doesn't want, I will compromise the above post.

But if it's the other way around of course I will give it to him because the most important to me is I know it will make him happy and eventually I know I will be happy too.

Cheers!

*** I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. M. Twain***

No half measures allowed. Children are too important for half measures and the child deserves more.

By the way, my heart goes out to the parents of the little girl in India who was born with 8 limbs. I hear the operation to give her a normal body was successful. I pray it was.

Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi

I never been married nor have a child. But I know that is what I am going to do if this situation happens to me, you can disagree with that or you can judge me for that, I wouldn't be bother because I know in my heart, I made a right choice to compromise to have a kid. I won some I lost some!

Cheers!

*** I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. M. Twain***

I will be honest with my kid, what exactly happened, what exactly what his/her father wanted and what exactly his/her father's happiness. I will tell him/her "I am sorry that his happiness is not me and him/her (kid/s)" but it doesn't mean that I will love them less'.

Cheers!

*** I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. M. Twain***

Having a child is a huge committment. Basically your life will revolve around the needs of your child. A big part of your life will be making sure this other life has the best part of your time and the best experiences you can provide.

Experiencing being pregnant and childbirth is a unique experience. For me pregnancy was amazing. The priviledge of growing and bonding uniquely with another human being. Wow!!! And the experience of childbirth with its searing pain and then infinite reward at the end.

The love you will have for your child is a kind of super-love that you will not have experienced before. It grows and grows. I don't have the words to describe how wonderful it is.

It's a difficult decision you are faced with. But it is a life experience and a challenge. The best you will ever have.

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Love is the answer...

Guys have you heard about Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston break-up, they said thta it is all about Jen who doesn't want to have kids yet but Brad wants to have kids so infielity happenned with Angelina Jolie right? If that's true Jen cannot blame Brad for it...

I would ask him, to try to have one then if he really doesn't want and feel miserable about it he can divorce me anytime ;-)

Cheers!

*** I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. M. Twain***

people who don't want children MAY not LIKE children..even if it their own...why would anyone force someone to live for the next 18 years, at least!, with children they don't like being around?

Some of my friends are in a situation..the man is my age..the lady is 16 years younger...the man already has a young child of 13..didn't want any more children...the lady has NEVER had children because her first marriage was already like raising a child...lol Anyway...they get married and she wants children..finally they compromise..but..the man never lets her forget that it was HER decision to have children and every time the baby cries or is bothering him..he takes that opportunity to remind her that it didn't have to be that way..plus..he goes and does exactly what he wants because that was one of the compromises..that it wouldn't interfere with his lifestyle..she ends up staying home with the baby AND the step daughter.

Ok..NOT much of a compromise in my mind..but I guess if they are willing to settle then fine.

She wanted the baby before she was born and I wanted her after she was born. Her mother went straight back to work and didn't even want the baby in the same room as us. I slept in the spare room with the baby. How strange is that?

I was not that bothered about having children and now I think it is the only thing of real value that I have ever done. In retrospect I would have happily spent the first couple of years at home with the baby. I wish I had done that. Early childhood goes by so fast and it is such a wonderful privelege to be a part of.

I wish I could think of a solution to your dilemma but I don't think there is one unless one of you changes your mind.

Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi

hummer short of getting hubby to deliver there s very little option here, it seems. Like marraige , childbirth requires a commitment and in the initial period most if not almost all comes from the feminine side.so if you are not ready for it tell your hubby.otherwise go in full blast.1!!!

do it right - the first time!

in which the husband didn't want kids, but the wife fell pregnant accidently (on purpose)...

Now this could have gone two ways. He could have felt like she had betrayed him, and caused him to pull away in the end anyway. Or like in this case, the husband was surprised, by the 4th month of pregnancy, he was so in awe of what was taking place inside his wifes body, that he absolutely fell in love with their daughter before she was born. He worships this little girl now.

But, as I said, it could have ended very badly, with him leaving the wife, and her having to raise the little one on her own.... almost a punishment. Obviously in these cases its probably better than being in a family where your father didn't want you anyway... and makes you feel that way for the rest of your life....

xena and Richard...exactly!! And who stays at home for the first few months or year? I'm not the tradition type (far from it) and we BOTH want to work. I guess you can compromise if one party is willing to stay at home, right?? (I'm grasping at straws as you can probably tell...awww)

'Our freedom is but a light that breaks through from another world'

compromise... but in whose favour? You either decide to have kids or you don't.

How can you compromise about having children? You either have a child or you don't. There is no way to compromise. One person will have to change their view or give in.

Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi

If you really love each other one should compromise..

"Manila I'm coming home!"

So I should just pack my bags as we speak...lol

Thanks for your responses :)

'Our freedom is but a light that breaks through from another world'

I completely accept your point of view, I was just giving my own which is that I don't really see the point of marriage at all but I can kind of see why for children it is good for them if their parents are happily married.

I think if two people want to get married but they don't want children that's fine. The case you have described is difficult, very difficult. I have known cases like this and the marriage has never worked because the desire of the one partner to have children becomes stronger than the mutual desire to preserve the existing marriage. I guess its a biological thing in more ways than one. Also, the pressure continues to grow because there is only a finite time for the woman to bear children.

I guess what I am saying is that the marriage in your scenario is doomed if one person wants children and the other doesn't.

Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi

There are a lot of reasons why people get married but as for my concern marrying a special someone in your life it means that we love that person and want to share our life, to grow old with and finally to have a children of our own. The prroduct of love is to have your own kind right? You are marrying because you want to build your own family..

a family will never be complete without kids...I myself is already married and being a mom or a father is a worthwhile experience. Being a woman it is our great pride to bear another being inside our woman and raise them as a good individual. Choose to be a mom and I assure you you will not have any regrets about it... :)

God bless!

"Manila I'm coming home!"

So your saying the only reason to get married is to have children? You may not be a fan of marriage but everyone is different- I for one didn't get married to raise children, and don't see why this is so unusual!! People get married for many other reasons other then to raise children.

'Our freedom is but a light that breaks through from another world'

He didn't want kids when we married, as he had two from a previous marriage.

I was only 23 and too in love to think of the consequenses.

After we made the dicision, and I changed my mind 3 years later, he started saying, lets see next year, eventually, by the time I was 30, I realised he wouldn't change his mind, so our marriage dissolved.

We are still really close friends.... so its sad, but he knew that I wanted kids desperately, so he let me go....

However, some other cracks also appeared so in the end, it worked out for the best....

if you don't want children. I am not a fan of marriage at all but one possible reason to get married would be to provide a stable environment for children. If neither of you want children, why get married?

Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi