A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, 'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.'
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.'
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke the window?'
'Uh:yeah, we’re very sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that’s great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie, 'You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,' the genie said.
'And now,' the couple both asked in unison, 'what’s your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.'
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we’re both thirty-five,' she responded breathlessly.
'No sh*t! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
Qatar's winter months are brimming with unmissable experiences, from the AFC Asian Cup 2023 to the World Aquatics Championships Doha 2024 and a variety of outdoor adventures and cultural delights.
Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a sweet escape into the world of budget-friendly Mango Sticky Rice that's sure to satisfy both your cravings and your budget!
Celebrate World Vegan Day with our list of vegan food outlets offering an array of delectable options, spanning from colorful salads to savory shawarma and indulgent desserts.
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, 'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.'
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.'
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke the window?'
'Uh:yeah, we’re very sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that’s great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie, 'You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,' the genie said.
'And now,' the couple both asked in unison, 'what’s your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.'
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we’re both thirty-five,' she responded breathlessly.
'No sh*t! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?
"Get in the boat"
Wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts, "Quick, My husband is back!"
.
.
Man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes, "Damn! I am the husband!"
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
>
> The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
> Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>
> Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
>
> "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
>
> "Is it common?"
>
> "It's not unusual."
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>
> "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
>
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
> Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
>
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>
> "No, because he's really heavy"
> "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
>
> "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
> So I went to the dentist.
>
> He said "Say Aaah."
>
> I said "Why?"
>
> He said "My dog's died."
> So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> 'Who's speaking please?'
>
> And a voice said "You are."
> So I rang up my local swimming baths.
> I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
>
> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
> So I rang up a local building firm,
> I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
>
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
> And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them..
>
> It's either my mum or my dad.
> Or my older brother Colin.
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>
> But I think it's Colin.
> So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
> he said 'You've been promoted.'
>
> And I swerved.
>
> And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted
> again.'
>
> And I swerved again.
>
> He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
>
> And I went into a tree.
>
> And a policeman came up and said
>
> 'What happened to you?'
> And I said 'I careered off the road.'
> Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
>
> The one I was in went back and forwards.
>
> I thought 'This is unusual'.
> And the dentist said to me
> 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
> So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
> me a lift?"
>
> I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
>
> "Does this taste funny to you?"
> Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
> and the other was eating fireworks..
>
> They charged one and let the other one off.
> You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
>
> So that was nice.
> A man walked into the doctors,
> The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
> The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
> A man walked into the doctors,
> he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
>
> The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
> I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
> He wasn't very happy.
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> find any.
> I bought some HP sauce the other day.
> It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
> Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
> them would have seen it.
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>
> He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>
> A strong currant pulled him in.
> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>
> He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>
> The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
>
> They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
> you can't have your kayak and heat it.
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> with hundreds and thousands.
>
> Police say that he topped himself.
> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
>
> The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
> Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
> two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
>
> Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
> expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Two hunters from Michigan
(true story)
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
And you thought your day was not going well?
"Once upon a time, a lady named Snow White had sex with a prince and had her pregnant but she refused to marry him ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and the Prince live happily ever after ... "
sorry...check your PM
pssst!! english only here at lounge!!
BTW, how did you changed you AVATAR that quick??
ayan...may thread na kayo ni dima_123
8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''