JOKE ONLY!!!

A married business executive had to make a trip to
Palm Beach for his corporation. After a few days, he
was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay
another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he
wired his bachelor friend, "Come as soon as you can
for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your
mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back, "Your wife and I
are arriving tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. How long have you
known about us?"
_________
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her
entire married life to fussing at her poor husband.
When the graveside service had no more than
terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder
accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said, "Well, she's there."
__________
It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge
could not refrain from saying so to the defendant.
As the defendant was brought before him for
arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-storey
window."
The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking,
your Honor."
The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! What if someone
had been passing underneath at the time"?
__________
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a
note of caution: You don't want to try these
techniques at home.
"Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,"
the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator,
stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single
item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't
you try carrying several things at once'"?
"Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take
her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in
seven."
________
"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained.
"I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try
putting each part of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable
and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep,"
he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent
teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from
the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"
__________
A young couple got married and left on their
honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately
called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the
honeymoon?'
'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic...'
Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as
we returned he started using the most horrible
language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all
these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please
mama!'
Her mother said, 'Calm down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like
DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'