A funny take on Fish n Chips !
Fish & chips
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“Bloody curry business is really going down Ganges if we serving this crap...”
~ Asian chipshop man on selling Fish & chips
“A bag o'scraps mate.”
~ Customer on Fish & chips
Origins
Absolutely millions of fish were swimming happily around the North Sea until Sir Walter Raleigh found potatoes in America. This was very bad news for the happy fish, because fish & chips is composed of two main ingredients: fish and potatoes - so we don't we need an IQ test to work that one out.
Chips were invented by a bald man who wore a leather apron and wellington boots all year round called Chippy On-Corner in a year that has gone down in history as the only one that nobody can remember. In fact no-one is sure if it was On-Corner that invented chips or Frank Fish-Hoyle, Bertie Bag O'Scraps or Terence Two-Times Wrapped - who all denied it to their deaths, which coincidentally happened to involve their wives throwing them into blazing hot fat and admitting they had to do it because they were all couch poatoes and stunk of fish.
Preparation
Dip the fish in a yoghurt-type thing called batter and fry until it looks like a British tourist after two days in Spain. Cut potatoes into baby finger-shaped wedges and throw into blazing fat until they surrender.
Cooking
Fry both until they are well and truly dead. Eat with your fingers. If you don't eat them with your fingers you must be posh and middle-class and you can stuff them up your rectum instead.
Condiments
Malt vinegar and salt are a definite must for fish & chips. Not having them would leave fish & chips tasting just like fish and potatoes. Put enough vinegar on until the aroma attacks your eyes and you are gasping for breath - it's a bit like being David Attenbourough in a cave full of ammonia-stinking bat dung. The salt is then sprinkled on to lull your taste buds into thinking you are eating something that tastes better than fish and potatoes.
Extras
Extras: scraps (bits of batter that fall off the fish like a leper's fingers), fish cake (a small fried cake made of potatoes and fish), pickled onions (from a glass jar full of vinegar), chinese-style curry sauce (in a polystyrene tub with a plastic lid that leaks), mushy peas (ditto curry sauce) and buttered breadcakes (in a paper bag featuring an advertisement for a local breakdown service).
Chip shop conversation
"Twice please, and two pickled eggs, a portion of curry sauce, three lots of mushy peas and nine buttered breadcakes".
Salt & vinegar, love?
"Yes please. No, wait a minute, I'll put it on myself 'cos you tight-fisted buggers cheat and only give us two spitfuls."
Wrapped up or to eat now?
"Wrapped up please, in the oldest piece of dirty newspaper you can find."
That'll be nine pounds and ninety nine pence then please, love.
"Eeeh ! That's just like that Neyna Song i'nt it? Just £9.99 for those red balloons, Red balloons go around. Always reminds me of my mam that. Great big knockers she had. Like two bloody zeppelins they were. When I were a lass the hall was always full of sailors waiting to meet her".
In the end
This stuff is actually pretty good! (unless you're a muppet that hates or is allergic to seafood.)
