Guys, appreciate the beach related japery but what
is the Hotel like?

Marhabtain will make it easy, as you are on the
"Mothers Ruin" already - Respect! 8-)

Is it Dry?
Is it clean?
Level of accommodation?
What are the pools like?

One beach is pretty much the same as any other.

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I say what I like and I bloody well like what I say