I am going on holiday for two weeks on Friday - to try and breathe in some cool fresh air and sanity.

Things I DO NOT want to do on holiday:

Talk to a born again christian
get in a lift and have a Mutawah turn to face the wall
discuss family issues with someone who has three wives
having any scrotty creep stare at me
hear any spitting and hoiking
forsake the delights of porcine meats
see one grain of sand
see anywhere flat
wear trousers and not shorts
see an HSBC bank
have to help a lady get her abaya out of the wheels on the chair.
get run over by a landcruiser driving on the pavement