Jokes for Laugh
Please add on new jokes or old funny jokes - be mindful of the green ones as the mod might delete your posts....
Samples below - hope you enjoy it ;)
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
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Q: why were the middle Ages so dark?
A: BECAUSE THERE SO MANY KNIGHTS
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A guy was seting up his new e-mail acount while his girlfriend sat beside him. Feeling all macho, he put in "p_n_s" as his password.
His gf fell off her chair laughing wen d err0r registered as:
PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH
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A WOMAN IS CARRYING A SICK BABY BOY 2 D DOCTOR...
DR: is he bottlefed?
WOMAN: breastfed, (DR. Squeezes d woman's br__st repeatedly)
DR: that's why he's sick,you dnt hv milk...
WOMAN: Doc, i'm the baby sitter!
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WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
That the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'
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ROMANTIC ACRONYMS:
HOLLAND-Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies
ITALY-I Trust And Love You
LIBYA-Love Is Beautiful You Also
CHINA-Come Here I Need Affection
INDIA-I Nearly Died In Adoration
JAPAN-Jump And Play All Night
Tintumon in an aeroplane going to Bombay, its landing tintumon shouted.. “Bomby…Bombay.!
air hostes said:’B’silent.
Tintumon: Ok “OMBAY..OMBAY..”
Amazing how different people see humour :O)
MRS : Why did you take so much time getting back home?
MR : Sorry dear, me and my officemates went out drinking. Hehe! Hik!
MRS: Huh... you're drunk!
MR: Drunk? No i'm not! Hik!
MRS: What the F_ck?! you do not have any work, how did you get to have officemates at all!?!?
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street. Murphy falls in hole and hurts himself. He calls out, "Paddy, call me an ambulance".
Paddy starts jumping up and down clapping his hands yelling, "Murphy's an ambulance, Murphy's an ambulance".
Grandma to her Granddaughter : I'm dying, I want you to have
my whole farm along with all the cows, sheep, trees, houses, tractors
etc...
Granddaughter: Wow, I didn't know you had a farm, where is it?
Grandma : On Facebook!!!
ROFL brit!
I didn't get that one even after readng it several times. Then I read it outloud with a British accent and got it! ROFL! :D
***
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
LOL..
A chinese doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a
man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a
magnifiying glass...
V.good....nice jocks....thanks.
Thank goodness, someone understands British humour :O)
By the way, I had a strange experience today. I went into the local department store and asked the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The shopkeeper looks at me and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?"
I said, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"
3rd joke was sooo funny! lol!!!:D
Groannnn..
Britexpat rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down, Brit. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Chocoholic went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said, "I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf".
"I'm not gambling!' said Chocoholic, "The steaks are too high!!!!!!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
1st nd 3rd lol
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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first and third are nice.