Thoughts on Forgiveness

One of the best gifts that we can offer ourselves is forgiveness: forgiving anyone ‎who might have wronged us (according to our perception), and forgiving ‎ourselves for our own shortcomings, and not continually beat up the drums of our ‎‎"failures" in our mind and simply concentrating our efforts on doing the good.

Personally, I embrace true forgiveness, and I encourage others to embrace it. ‎However, in my teaching, I found that many misconceptions about what true ‎forgiveness is abound. Below are some of my thoughts about true forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean Condoning

Forgiving someone for his transgressions against you does not mean you condone ‎the transgressions. For example, if I steal something from you and you later ‎decide to forgive me, what that means is that you chose forgiveness. It does not ‎mean that stealing is OK. It is still wrong.

Forgiveness is not an Invitation to Repeat

When you forgive someone, you are not giving them a carte-blanche to repeat the ‎same mistake. For example: if a husband beats his wife and later she decides to ‎forgive him and resume their married life, that does not mean that he can repeat ‎the same mistake and expect that she should forgive him again.

Forgiveness is not Forgetting

I found this to be the most common misconception. Forgiveness is not the same ‎as forgetting. Simply advocating forgetting the mistakes of the past is pseudo-‎forgiveness at best. People who practice that are typically repressing or avoiding ‎looking at the reality of the matter. I found such people to be really unforgiving: ‎they get easily upset, and their bodies typically manifest some form of dis-ease

True forgiveness is remembering the events of the past with no negative emotion ‎attached. For example, when you remember what you wore yesterday, you ‎typically remember it as a fact. You are not upset over it. Similarly, you can ‎know that you have forgiven someone from your past if you can remember the ‎event without any stressful reaction. You remember it because it did happen. ‎There is no power in denying that what happened did happen. The power is in ‎lovingly remembering it, seeing what happened with different understanding ‎‎(than the one that caused your hurt) and more compassion for yourself and for ‎the people involved. There are always many lessons to learn in whatever happens ‎to us in our lives. So we can actually end up rejoicing all our past events. This may ‎be tough for some of us, so if you can't be happy for what happened in your life, ‎you can at least be free of any negative emotions associated with it. In my ‎experience, people who believe that forgiveness means forgetting are never free ‎from the negative sting of their past.

You can Forgive and still Move On

An example: You were in a business relationship and someone cheated you. The ‎fact that you decide to forgive them does not mean you have to remain in ‎business with them. You can forgive them and never do business with them ‎again. That decision does not mean you are still angry with them or that you have ‎not forgiven them. You have forgiven them and decided not to have a ‎relationship with them.

I deal with this theme over and over especially within the context of family ‎relationships and it is a bit difficult for people. They feel guilty to think that the ‎best way to deal with a family member is to love them from a distance. But ‎sometimes it could be the best thing for you and for them. A mother was confused ‎about dealing with her brother whom she found mistreating her young girl. ‎‎"Won't I be cutting the ties of kinship?", "What is my family going to say?", ‎‎"How can I explain it to people?" were some of her questions. Obviously there ‎are many ways to deal with this issue, but the point I want to make here that this ‎mother can forgive her brother and still take measures to protect her daughter ‎‎(even if one of the measures is to temporarily prevent the brother from visiting ‎her).

Another example that could also explain what I mean by 'Forgive and Still Move ‎On': a friend of mine has a father who lies a lot, and what bothered my friend more ‎was that his father would swear by God that what he said was true. He would ‎swear by God to do something and shortly after swear by God that he didn't say ‎he would. My friend was very frustrated narrating this. What I told my friend ‎was: ‎

(1) The main source of your frustration is your expectation that he would ‎not lie, when – according to you – you had a life-long evidence that him ‎lying is more likely than him keeping his word ‎

(2) You can forgive your father and choose never to believe or to depend ‎on his words again. And that is not being disrespectful to your father. For ‎me, it is actually a loving acceptance. ‎

In short my message to my friend was 'Forgive and Move On', which in this case ‎meant moving on in his mind and stop arguing with reality. He doesn't have to ‎boycott his father or disown him. He just needs to heal himself so that he can ‎keep his peace no matter what his father says or does. True forgiveness does that.

Forgiveness is not for the Other's Sake

"Why do I have to forgive him/her?"

"Because you need to and you would love it when you do! You are forgiving ‎him/her for your own sake". The main beneficiary of your forgiving another is ‎you, and the one suffering the most from your non-forgiving others is you. You ‎are not forgiving them for their sake; you are doing it for your own sake.

Sometimes you find someone who is angry at people who passed long time ago. ‎Who is the one suffering from that anger?

One time I met a woman who was angry at her husband because he divorced her. ‎When I asked when the divorce happened, she replied "A little bit over three ‎years ago". I was shocked. I initially assumed the divorce was very recent (may be ‎‎3 days ago!) by the way she was talking. It turned out her ex-husband re-married ‎‎(obviously moving on with his life) and that really triggered her past-anger that ‎she hadn't dealt with.

The main reason for you to forgive should be your own well-being, and then the ‎well-being of those around you (especially children if you have any) if you care ‎about them

Forgive the Perpetrators and let them bear the Consequences of their ‎Transgression

This is a bit tough for some especially Muslims so let me explain by an example of ‎the Qur`an: The Story of Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) - peace be upon him - and his ‎brothers.

I find that the most quoted part of the story is verse #92 "He said:

{(There shall ‎be) no reproof against you this day; May Allah forgive you, and He is the Most ‎Merciful of those who show mercy}

I also found that many Muslims ‎overlook the following:

‎- He wasn't (personally) angry at them

‎- He recognized them the moment he saw them although they didn't ‎recognize him as mentioned in verse # 58 of the same surah:

{And ‎Joseph's brethren came and presented themselves before him, and he ‎knew them but they knew him not}

‎- It wasn't forgiveness at first sight: Assuming he was angry (which I ‎don't believe he was) and that forgiveness was called for: why he didn't ‎declare his forgiveness when he first saw them? Another important ‎question is why did he let his brothers suffer? We learn from the story how ‎he made them return to Palestine and bring his brother Ben-Yemin to ‎Egypt with them, then how he made the plan to keep his brother in Egypt ‎with him, then how he let them return and face their father: Prophet ‎Ya`qub (Jacob) – peace be upon him.

You can forgive people and still let them bear the consequences of their ‎transgression. Forgiving the transgressor does not automatically mean absolving ‎the transgressor of his responsibilities. Forgiveness is mostly an inside-job.‎

by Ahmad Shawqi from IOL