Pancakes
Johnny and his brother Billy come downstairs for breakast.
Their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast this morning.
Johnny pipes up "Mom, I want some f*****g pancakes!"
Mom is apalled; she yanks Johnny out of the chair, whips him, washes his mouth out with soap, and makes him sit in the corner.
Exasaperated, Mom comes back to the kitchen with a face like thunder and sneers at Billy, "What do YOU want for breakfast?"
Billy, shaken by seeing what happened to his brother replied meekly
"I don't know, but I sure don't want any f******g pancakes!"
A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy...
Consul: "Your name please?"
Saudi: "Abdul-Aziz. "
Consul: "Sex?"
Saudi: "Six time a week."
Consul: "I mean, male or female?"
Saudi: "Both male and female sometime even camels."
Consul: "Holy cow!"
Saudi: "Yes, cows & dogs too."
Consul: "Man, isn't that hostile?"
Saudi: "Horse style, dog style, any style!"
Consul: "Oh dear!"
Saudi: "Deer? No deer, they run too fast..!!"
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Man's best Friend - Miss Palm and her 5 Sisters
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A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He just wanted to thank you for his new ears.
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Man's best Friend - Miss Palm and her 5 Sisters
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Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York.
Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island.
As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.
The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.
He then turns to his brother and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"
This one is real funny, read it to the end!
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A Jamaican's Diary of his First Christmas in Canada
It started to snow. The first of the season and my lovely wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Aahh, it was beautiful- everything so crisp and clean. A dream come true!
12/9 We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time, and I loved it. The air was crisp and clean, my nose glowing a bright red. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk, clearing away every little flake of beautiful snow. Later the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and waved. I waved back. I shoveled it again.
12/12 The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely winter is through. I am looking forward to that lovely sight again.
12/14 It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 0. Shoveled the sidewalk and driveway again. Shortly after, the blasted snowplow came by and did his little trick again.
12/15 Sold our car and bought a 4 X 4 Blazer so we could get around in the snow. Bought snow tires for the pickup, cost me $450.00.
12/18 Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. $43.00 to the chiropractor but nothing was broke, thank God. The damn sky is getting dark again.
12/19 Still cold (-5 this a.m.). Pickup truck wouldn't start. Icy roads
making for very tough driving. Slid into a guardrail with my wife's car.
Bust up the front end, probably $900.00 damage, or so. She's all pissed off.
12/20 Had another 14 inches of that white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddam snowplow came by twice. I flipped him the bird!
12/22 We are assured of a White Christmas because another 7 inches of that white shit fell today. With this freezing weather, it won't melt until damn near August! I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that shit again, (boots, jumpsuit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) then I got the urge to take a dump!
12/24 If I ever catch the bumbo that drives that blasted snowplow, I'll
drag his ass thru the snow by his balls! I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 miles an hour and throws that white crap everywhere.
12/25 Merry fucking Christmas! My ass! They predict 12 more inches of the damn white shit tonight. Does anyone know how many ASS HOLE shovels full of snow 12 inches is? My ASS back is killing me! To Hell with Santa and his shitty little elves; they don't have to shovel this shit! That frigging snowplower came by asking for a donation. I hit the idiot right between the eyes with my ice axe. The doctors think he'll live.
12/28 We got 11 more inches! I must be going snowblind or have a severe case of depression, because the old ball and chain is beginning to look good to me.
12/29 The toilet froze and the roof is starting to cave in. If you go
outside, don't eat the brown snow.
12/30 I torched the fucking house for the insurance money. Shove this! I'm moving back to sunny Jamaica!
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Buick's new car is called 71.
It carries two in the front and 69 in the back
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www.e4u.name.qa
English language
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th
century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. So she turned to Mr. Bush and explained,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
Bush replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have assumed it was one of the horses."