JOKE OF THE DAY
Like music, jokes have significant positive effect on moods and behaviors. I believe a good joke can bring smile to all faces, give pleasure and make your day good.
So, I would request everyone to add more and more jokes on this thread for amusement.
No dirt, no nasty things, just nice jokes...PLEASE.
As a first rain-drop, a FIRST one from me. Hope to hear ONE from you every day.....lol
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A man went to a pharmacy and asked for poison.
We can’t give you poison, the pharmacist told the man.
The man took out his marriage certificate from his pocket and showed to the pharmacist.
Pharmacist: Oh, sorry, I didn’t know that you have a prescription.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
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A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
http://www.jokepier.com/detail.php?jid=7479
[img_assist|nid=54691|title=|desc=Wherever you live; live everywhere.|link=none|align=centre|width=|height=0]
lol new the what the punch line would be
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.
http://www.injokes.com/view.php?ItemID=371
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Sometimes marriage is like prescribing your own slow amid torturous death of agony.
For others is just a bad dream after accepting the smells and attitudes of two immature adults.
For others is a way for them to be real happy...
The Red Pope of Qatar Living
I will have to inform my friend who comes to help me with the ironing
qat good one.will remember that the next time i do my ironing
life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......
Joe with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But.. What happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
aint life cruel>tit for tat
life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
Smile in Joy & in Pain
Smile when sorrow pours like rain
Smile when someone hurts ur feelings
Becos smile has a healing touch
Just a few thoughts to ponder upon…
LESSON 1
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, And my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the Shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
LESSON I: "NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING"
LESSON 2
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When The American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what You Mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of
-kee'am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON II: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"
LESSON 3
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a
French, who Found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie Appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A Wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the Pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was So Happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and Immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented With his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly He Steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!! ......... "
LESSON III: "THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"
LESSON 4
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was In Charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up: Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the Brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it Wants To go.
Eyes........ . I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's Going.
Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very
mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed
And Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste
whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and Became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: "NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU
THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE"
LESSON 5
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
A Meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They Rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
Three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be In the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. And he was Gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."
Pfufffff. And He was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office
After Lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?
A mother asked her 3 year old son if he saw Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.
"No, it was too dark," he said. "But I heard what he yelled when he stubbed his toe on the living room couch!"
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Oh Alien, I loved that one! LOL
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and whenever this joke reappears....it bring a fresh smile to faces .....especially...here in Doha.
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Alien the one bout George Bush was GREAT!!
theres another one bout headaches,
when the husband gives the wife a pill for headache
she sez "I don't have a headache"
and the husband sez "great, lets have sex"
but my all time favourite joke is...
A new monkey and tiger are brought to the Doha zoo
But the monkey gets fed meat
and the tiger gets fed bananas...
this goes on for a few days and the lion starts feeling bad for the tiger and asks him whats going on...
The tiger says,"The monkey got a tiger visa but I got a monkey visa" :-)
George Bush
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
http://www.office-humour.co.uk/jokes/6700/
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It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM, you have a headache!"
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Dave and Mike where sitting in a pub one day and Dave says "I'm bored, I know everybody in the world and there's just no one new to meet" Mike Says "you can't possibly know everyone, I don't believe you"
Well Dave pulls out his mobile punches in a couple of numbers and speaks to Steven Spielberg, after a couple of minutes giving Steven tips on his new movie he passes the phone to Mike to get confirmation.
Next Dave runs through his quick dial list and Dials the President of the United States, after a couple of minutes discussing Iraqi politics he again hands the phone over to Mike. Mike is not convinced so Dave explains that he has to go see the pope and would Mike come along.
When they arrive in the Vatican Dave leaves Mike standing in the square and promises to come out onto a balcony with the Pope.
Mike stands there very sceptical. Dave walks out onto the balcony with the pope and starts discussing evolution versus creationism when he sees Mike faint and fall to the ground. Dave rushes down the steps and accross the square to his friend. As Mike comes round he asks "What happened?" Mike explains that he was starting to believe the Dave was well connected it was just when a Tourist walked back and said "whose that standing on the balcony with Dave?"
nice jokes
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Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Saddavi (1988-20??)
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Qatar Football group
http://www.qatarliving.com/node/43589
... There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who's phone is this?"
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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
[img_assist|nid=54691|title=|desc=Wherever you live; live everywhere.|link=none|align=centre|width=|height=0]
a boss confused about his Math asked
his secretary:
If I give you QR3M less 17%, how much
would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir!
"waiting is an art, timing is everyting"
FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants
to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a
party?
FAI RY: no. in biology class
"waiting is an art, timing is everyting"
thats funny
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs found her mother missing. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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great Guru Jee.....and PHILLY, thanks to make our day smiley.
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thank u chup for completing the joke..........heehehehhee
life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......
the cab driver also knows dave and he thinks this is a new girl he got and not his wife
ok philly so when do i lol at which part??duh.......(puzzled)
life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......
> >>A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
> >>
> >>His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
> >>"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
> >>
> >>When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
> >>brings over a Budweiser.
> >>
> >>His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she
> >>know that you drink Budweiser?"
> >>
> >>"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
> >>
> >>A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
> >>Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
> >>Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
> >>Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam
> >>the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how
> >>the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
> >>having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
> >>calling him every name in the book.
> >>The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a
> >>
> >>real bitch tonight, Dave."
I suggest if someone add another joke here to make zada happy.
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thank you alien i am lost for words on how to explain to zada further
and zada if u still dont get a joke try reading it a few times u may get it after a while is better to laugh at a joke later than to not get the joke at all............lol, dont worry u will get the hang of it
life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......
Jokes are not to explain if you don't understand because a joke can bring smile to your face only if you understand it when you read it and come out of your fatigue for a while.
Anyway Spicemom has explained.......you can use it either way ....lol
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well it could work either way actually>u just have to ask this bloke which one ............lol
life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......
is it because the man wants to kill himself becaus hes upset with marriage or does he want to kill his wife>
u will get it someday.........lol
life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......
i dint get it...