Good Jewish Jokes
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"I make a living."
The priest shows up first.
He leans over Moishe, takes his hand and says to him, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
Moishe rolls his eyes and says "I'm laying here dying and he's asking me riddles!"
A guy walks into a Jewish pawnbroker shop and asks to see the owner.
The owner duly appears and the guy says 'Are you Mr.Goldberg?'
'Yes I am' says the owner, and the guy promptly gives him a hard slap in the face.
'What was that for?' says the owner.
'That was for the Titanic!' says the guy.
'But that was an Iceberg!' says Mr.Goldberg.
'Aahh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?' says the guy.
loved it!
"if you don't like the heat... get out of the kitchen... but stop trying to fan the flames before you leave... it will burn you on the a** as you go through the doorway...." ME
visit www.qaws.org
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish Women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
Here is a good British jewish joke.
British Jews (often referred to collectively, but imprecisely, as Anglo-Jewry) are British subjects of Jewish descent or religion who maintain a connection to the Jewish community, either through actively practising Judaism or through cultural and historical affiliation.
The United Kingdom contains the second largest Jewish population in Western Europe after France's Jewish Community and is the seventh largest community of all world Jewry. British Jews span a range of religious affiliations, from the ultra-Orthodox Haredi communities to the large segment of Jews who are entirely secular.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Oh, don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark.
Oy Vai Brit. Got it straight away. Must be my 1/4 yid on my mum's side already!
Jewish Bra ... You're 34B but Jew-wish you were 34 DD ;o)
Did you Google it first?
An Iman and a Rabi get into a pub, the clerk atares at them and aks:
Is this some kind of joke?
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A french, a chinese and a jew go into a coffee shop and order 1 coffee each, when the clerk gives them the coffees they noticed they all had a fly in it.
The french grabs it with the spoon and throws it away then drinks the coffee.
The chinese drinks the coffe and eats the fly
The jew grabs the fly with the spoon and sells it to the chinese
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A jew, a christan and a muslim are on a bridge, all the sudden an angel shows up and says that if they jump he'll grab them and bring back to the bridge.
The christian jumps and the angel goes and grabs him and brings him back to the bridge.
The muslim jumps and the angel goes and grabs him and brings him back to the bridge.
The jew jumps and the angel does nothing so he dies.
When he *knock's on heavens door and S. Peter comes and asks him what happened, the jew tells the full story, when he says that the angel only helped his friends, S. Peter said:
hmmm, i think i know who it was! AAAAAAADDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Not the music Knocking knocking on heaven's door ;)
Only God Can Judge Me
الله فقط يمكنه محاكمتي
I am you and you are me, if you love i love, if you suffer i suffer
أنا أنت, و أنت أنا, إذا أحببت نفسك أحببت نفسي, إذا عانيتَ عانيتُ
I'm provoking my self to laugh on this joke by tickling my toes, but my combat boots are on my way.....
Love it... Sounds like My mum..
Try this..
*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?
*A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes".
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'
Oh Mom, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'
'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor.'
A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size, 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The sales lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills."
but is it a joke ???
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL... brit.. that one is so good.. :):)
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“You become responsible forever for what you have tamed”. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Nearly there..
Jewish mothers are known for their over protectiveness and fussiness..That's why she's more worried about the breakfast than the dream..
Alexa..
its cultural..Try this..
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"
it means that his dream was actually true: mom and psychiatrist ARE the same persons .. and she disclosed herslef with this question...she worried that her son had ONLY COKE for the breakfast! no need to be a jew to understand it... weird ppl.. :)
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“You become responsible forever for what you have tamed”. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Its cultural.. Only us jews can understand yiddish jokes..
Try reading it again.. if you still don't get it.. I'll explain..
aside from the coke, there's nothing jewish about it.. and where is the punch line.. "punch line" is that part or phrase of the joke that makes people laugh... hmmmm? im waiting mr. brit... lol
life is not a destination, it always had been & always will be a journey.....
Coke can is breakfast, coke is bed coffee hahahahaaaaa
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...might have been funny if told by a Jew, but wasn't, and isn't.