TOP TIPS FOR YOUR WEEKEND

HAMMER nails through a cricket ball and roll it around in fallen leaves. Hey presto! An Autumn snowball. Cheap and great fun for the kids.

AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.

SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.

DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

 DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200?c.

 DEPRESSED PEOPLE Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

IMPOTENT MEN Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.