Start your day with a Smile :)
By Sindbad in LoVe •
Maria ,a beautiful Latino, fell in love with Jose.
She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.
Papa told her, “Maria, you’ll have to find another boyfriend.Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother.”
So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.
But after telling papa again, he said, “Maria there’s trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling. Please don’t tell your mother,but Ricardo is your half-brother too.”
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama.
Mama already knew and said “My darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa.”
A huspand was showing his flat to his friend and saying:
This is the dining room, this is the pathroom, this is the living room" then he opens his main room door to find his wife sleeping with other guy!!!
so he calmly closed the door and told his friend:
"OK, lets go"
His friend was much surprised and asked angrily:
"LETS GO??!! LETS GO WHERE!!!
The huspand replied simply: "Lets go to the kitchen and make tea for ourselves"
More shocked his friends wondered: "GO TO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE TEA FOR OURSELVES? AND THAT GUY WITH UR WIFE??
The huspand replied: "NO, He can make tea for himself"
hi sindbad... actually i was really a way for a time .. i just need a brake from this website as it came to be boring sometimes .. but this thread really rocks .. i came back again to find out that u and other people has made a good job .. well done man ... and try to find another place rather than City center .. cuz either they will get bored or u pay a lot ... lol..
Back on track ...
Married woman betraying her husband .. after he went to office the first guy called her .. shall i come .. she replied yes but get any kind of fruits with u ... then another dogf**ker called shall i come to u now .. she told him no u can come after one hour but plz get any kind of fruits with u ...
The first man get 2 KGs DATES as a kind of fruit so while she is sleeping with the first guy her husband realized that he forgot something and went back again to find him .. so husband fought with him and started to insert each date in his A$$ and the guy laugh loudly ...
the husband ask him "why r u laughing"
and the guy keep on laughing loudly ..
the husband "if u didn't say y r u laughing i'll put all the dates in ur a$$"
the guy replied "there is another man is coming after one hour, he is my friend and he is getting 2 KGs banana"
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
***********
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in the printer!!!
***********
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"
***********
April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!
***********
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
***********
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
***********
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
***********
August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
***********
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
***********
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
***********
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
***********
December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
A lion tamer is going through his routine in the circus and has his finale he walks right up to the lion and taps it on the head.
The lion tilts its head back and opens it's mouth wide.
The lion tamer unzippes and places his genitals in the lions mouth.
The audience gasps.
The lion tamer then tries to push the lion jaws closed.
The audience gasp some more.
Then he hits the lion on the head three times with his stick and the lion still doesn't bite.
The audience clap in admiration.
The lion tamer then turns to the audience and challenges anyone brave enough to come up and do the same.
To everyones amazement a little old lady gets up.
She says;
"I'll do it, just dont hit me on the head so hard."
Sorry I've given no feedback.
Keep it up.
I am afraid not .. but why ? :)
Two old men are chatting.
One man says, "My friend, you must try this memory pill I'm taking. I remember everything. It's amazing, this pill."
The other man says, "Sounds wonderful. What is the name of the pill?"
The first man says, "Euf! (???) The name of the pill!... Let's see... Hmmm, what is the name of the flower... with the thorns? It's red... You give it on Valentine's Day?"
The other man says, "A rose?"
The first man says, "Yes, that's right!" Then, calling for his wife, he says, "Rose, what is the name of that pill?"
Hi Sinbad, did you use to work in Qatar Airways?
we are all reading and having a nice time.
take care buddy.
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast.
One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes.
His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"
I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".
The girl asked her boy friend:
"Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure" replied her BF "What's your phone number?"
**************************************
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load Of seniors down a highway When he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, Which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder Again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, He asked the little old lady, " why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them ."
more jokes...keep posting maaan.
i love this thread. No discrimination, no abuse, in short no trolls! :)
You r always welcome :)
I will not tell RAM .. dont worry loooool
hey sindbad, you see my last comment, i told ram i wont read anymore, but u catch me lying,lol! these are really funny he heee.
I am keeping posting jokes without any comments from ur side :(
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on " insufficient funds " when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an " S " in the word " lisp " ?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, " It's all right? " Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, " That hurt, you idiot? "
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the h ouse as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Another great American invention. See how dull the world would be without us. Safer yes, fairer probably but definately more dull.
We had better live as we think, otherwise we shall end up by thinking as we lived. - Paul Bourget
CONGRATULATIONS
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's
and 70's !!
>>
>>
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank
while they carried us.
>>
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get
tested for diabetes.
>>
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured
lead-based paints.
>>
We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our
bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking
>>
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air
bags.
>>
Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun.
>>
We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a
bottle.
>>
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
>>
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because......
>>
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
>>
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.
>>
No
one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
>>
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
>>
We did not
have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels
on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal
computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we
went outside and found them!
>>
We fell
out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from
these accidents .
>>
We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
>>
Made up
games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen,
we did not poke out any eyes.
>>
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door
or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
>>
Local
teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to
learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
>>
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the
law!
>>
This
generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and
inventors ever!
>>
The past
50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
>>
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
>>
HOW TO
>>
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
>>
And YOU are one of them!
>>
CONGRATULATIONS!
>>
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own
good.
>>
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
>>
Kind of makes you
want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost $499 or $599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them.
A man went to the doctor and said:
“Doc. I wasn’t able to sleep yesterday the whole night, I had a strange dream, about rats making two teams and playing football and making tournament!! I am very tired and don’t know what to do!!??
The doctor replied: OK , don’t worry, I will give u a good syrup that will make u relax and sleep well.
Next day, the same man came again, looking more exhausted, and said:
“Doc. The rats are still playing football I cant sleep !!
Fine, replied the doc. I will give you a strong injection that will make u enjoy a deep sleep without any dreams.
Next day, again the man went to the doctor, he look pretty tried, not able to stand, and said:
Doctor, I am fed up, I cant enjoy me sleep from those f**ken rats, the football tournament is still running, and I don’t know what to do.. please find me a batter solution..
The doctor replied: fine, you see these rats when u sleep, so try this, don’t sleep today ..
The man angrily replied: DON’T SLEEP TODAY, how come not to sleep today?? Today is the final!!
One checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get himself one of those girls he always see advertised in phone booths when he was calling for a cab. he grabbed a card on his way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.
So when he was in his room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello?" the woman says.
Wow! She sounded hot.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s*x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Now, how does that sound?"
She said,
"That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No I don't waste time shopping" the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money, instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.
"The homeless woman was astounded.
"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up
wine, shopping and hair appointments."
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carol agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carol's shoulder and said,
"Darling? Please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Darling, I
only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm
not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't......"
i am still cracking at the gyn joke...good one.....have read it before but its fun reading it all over again.
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
Well, I never knew that !!!!
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, andlaser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in oldEngland, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it..........
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!!!!!!
A man & a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed & uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired & fell asleep quickly... Him in the upper bunk & her in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over & gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" He exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
you had me in splits.... this thread keeps getting better and better...
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, but during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate,Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote:
"DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL"
Five minutes later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:
"DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM"
Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)
>> I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week.
>> Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
>> me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had
>> only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already
>> around 8:45 am.
>> The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any
>> time to spare.
>> As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
>> when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to
>> make the full effort.
>> So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that
>> was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that
>> area"
>> to
>> make sure I was at least presentable.
>> I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
>> hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
>> I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
>> Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
>> looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
>> Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was just a little
>> surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort
>> this morning, haven't we?"
>> I didn't respond.
>> After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
>> rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
>> After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
>> from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get
>> another one from the closet.
>> She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had
>> all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy woman behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to
him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry do you know me?".
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children !"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a arse!?"
"No", she replies coldly,"I'm your sons' English Teacher.
keep the thread going boys.....we wont say nothing;-)
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
A rabbit walks into a butchers shop and says;
"Have you got any carrots?"
Butcher says;
"This is a butchers, we don't sell carrots."
The next day the rabbit comes in again and says;
"Have you got any carrots?"
Butcher says;
"This is a butchers, we don't sell carrots."
The next day the rabbit comes in again and says;
"Have you got any carrots?"
Butcher says;
"This is a butchers, we don't sell carrots and if you come in here asking me that again I am going to nail your ears to this counter."
The next day the rabbit comes in again and says;
"Have you got any nails?"
Butcher says;
"This is a butchers, we don't sell nails."
Rabbit says;
"Good, have you got any carrots?"
Two adventurers where wondering in an african jungle and suddenly they get caught by one of the tribes. They are brought forward to their lord.
Lord says: "you've entered into our region which is illegal. you've to pay for dis, okay tell what you want? death or jojo." one guy thinks that death is a death so says "i want jojo." the lord orders "give hime jojo". and suddenly a huge black giant comes and f**ks his ass which ends up killing him. then the lord asks the other one, "what u want, death or jojo" the guy saw that his friend died bcz jojo brutly f**ked his ass. he says "i want death", the lord orders "okay, give him death ... by jojo"
واحد غبى عنده ارق ومش عارف ينام....قال له صاحبه عندي لك طريقة للنوم مؤكدة...عد من واحد الى خمسميه... بلدياتنا مكدبش خبر... وأول ما الدنيا ليلت راح للسرير وبدا يعد .. واحد .. اثنين .. ولما وصـل إلى ميه وتسعة وتسعين ... جـاه النوم
قـام غـسـل وشه ورجــع للـسـريـر يـكـمـل الـعـد
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!"
Husband and wife are in bed abd there is a knock on the door, wife sends him down to see who it is.
He opens the door to find a howling gale and driving rain and a soaking wet neigbour.
"Sorry to bother you but I'm on my own and I need a push."
"Well if you thing I am coming put in that weather in the middle of the night ou'r mistaken." And shuts the door.
Wife says "Who was it Honey."
He tells her.
She says "What sort of a man are you? Go and help him or you're sleeping down stairs."
He puts on his coat and shoes and reluctantly goes out into the wind and rain and shouts; "Where are you, I've come to give you a push?"
A voice shouts back; "I'm over here, on the swings."
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
محشش لقى كنز .. فرح قوى .. قال كويس فاضل الخريطة
----------------------------------------------
ولد سأل ابوه .. بابا هى الحمير بتتجوز؟؟ قاله يابنى مبيتجزشى غير الحمير
----------------------------------------------
واحد غبى فى من سيربح المليون استعان بصديق .. جورج قرداحى قاله معاك ثلاثين ثانية .. الغبر قال لصحبه حسن .. الحقنى .. معايا ثلاثين ثانية بس .. ايه رأيك .. احذف اجابتين .. ولا اسأل الجمهوررررر ؟؟
----------------------------------------------
غبى قال لأبوه أنا عاوز موبايل، قاللوا موافق بس تركب أخواتك معاك
----------------------------------------------
محشش بيسأل محشش التعلب بيولد ولا بيبيض؟!! قاله التعلب مكار توقع منه أي حاجة
----------------------------------------------
....and orders three pints, sits in the corner on his own and drunks them one after another.
As he is about to leave the barman asks why he ordered them all at once instead of one at a time.
The old man explained; "My two old buddies and I all live in different parts of the world now and can't see each other, so on the same day every year where ever we are we each have three pints to remember each other."
The barman thought it was a lovely story.
The next year the old man came in again, but only ordered two drinks.
The barman was horrified thinking one of the buddies had died.
"I'm sorry about your friend" he said to the old man.
"Why?" said the old man. "There is nothing wrong with my friend."
"But you only ordered two pints."
"Oh, I am on antibiotics."
A man visits a restaurant in spain and asks to bring the best item to eat, after few minutes, the waiter brings a bowl of soup with two big balls inside, he eats it. "it tastes very nice what is it?" the man asks the waiter, waiter replies, these are the balls of a defeated bull. for few days man keeps going to same restaurant to eat bull's balls. one day he finds the balls are too small in size, he asks the waiter "why the balls are small today?" the waiter answers: "the bull won today!"
...with a parrot on his shoulder and a midget walking behind him.
Immediately the midget starts breaking glasses, turning over tables, kicking chairs, the man grabbs him and drags him to the bar.
The barman says "I'm not serving you unless you pay for that damage."
The man pulls out his wallet and gives the barman £1,000.00 cash and says "that will cover it now pull me a drink".
The midget escapes and starts smashing everything up and insulting everyone.
The man grabs him again and appologises giving everyone £1,000 each and goes back to the bar where he appologises to the barman and gives him another £1,000 for the damages.
The barman says "what's going on? You bring that idiot midget in here, throwing money around, and what's with the parrot?"
The man says "Believe it or not I found a Genie and got three wishes."
Barman says "what did you ask for?"
Man says "A never ending supply of money, an exotic bird and an 18" prick."
Doctor, "say Ahh"
Man, "why?"
Doctor, my dog just died.
a prostitute decides to marry but is worried that her husband wud know she is a prostitute. she talks to her mother for advice, her mother tells that before having sex put an apple inside so it will tighten u up. she does so and has sex with her husband, next day she removes the apple puts on the table and goes for bath. when she finishes she sees that her husband is eating the apple, she gets worried and calls her mother, "mom, my husband is eating that apple" her mother replies "don't worry my child your father used to eat water mellons"
so keep going....
-That bear? ehe heeeee
thanks and appreciation are for sindbad who started this thread and getting some jokes .. i really wanna know from where he gets it .. actually i have a lot but it can't be posted here or i'll be banned from this website .. or at least we wanna make sure that ladies r not going to read them.. hahaha
nice jokes sindbad .. keep it up and i'll try to get some too..
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".
1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.
"I am afraid darling you're going to die," she replied.
very good jokes... kept reading and enjoyed them... keep this thread alive.... in the last one month i feel this is the best thread i have seen so far...
congrats to you sindbad and ram for your good contributions
مرة واحد صعيدى كان عايز يفتح مزرعة مواشى، فراح لواحد صحبه كان عنده مزرعة فقاله هو البقر بتاكله ايه؟؟ فصاحبه الصعيدى قاله الابيض ولا الاسود؟؟ قاله الابيض، قاله بناكله علف. قاله طب و الاسود؟؟ قاله علف برده ...
قاله طب بتشريه ايه؟؟ قاله الابيض ولا الاسود؟؟ قاله الابيض، قاله بنشربه مياه، قاله طب و الاسود؟؟ قاله بنشربه مياه برده
قاله طب بتنيمه فين؟؟ قاله قاله الابيض ولا الاسود؟؟ قاله الابيض، قاله بنيمه فى الحظائر، قاله طب و الاسود؟؟ قاله بنيمه فى الحظائر برده.
قاله يا عم انت واجعتلى دماغى!! عمال تقلى ابيض و اسود و الاتنين بيكلوا و يشربوا و يناموا زى بعض !! قاله...اصل البقر الابيض بتاعى، قالوا طب و الاسود ؟؟؟ قاله بتاعى برده.
فى مسابقة بين ثلاثة أشخاص إنهم يعدوا البحر ويطلعوا الجبل و يقتلوا الغوريلا و يتجوزوا الأميرة ...
الاول غرق فى البحر، الثانى عدا البحر لكن وقع من فوق الجبل... أما التالت كان صعيدى عدا البحر وطلع الجبل وقتل الأميرة ... و أتجوز الغوريلا
any time RAM .. :)
Gamdeeen moot .. betgeeb el 7agat deh mneen ..
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
It always starts like this .. now u r modmen :))
Here r some jokes in Arabic ..
مرة فيل اتجوز نمله وبعد ايام زهق منها فقالها انتي طالق فقالتله والفيل اللي في بطني
واحد كسلان اتحكم عليه بالإعدام بدفنه في حفره فقالوا له نفسك في أيه قبل الموت قال نفسي أشرب قالوا له قوم أشرب قال لسه حقوم اردم يا عم
مرة واحد صعيدي حب يعمل روش .. كتب على الشومة " أديدس "
مرة واحدة قالت لحبيبها البخيل : انا اكلها معاك بدقة، اعيش معاك فى جحر صاحبها قالها انتى ليه مادية قوى كدة يا حبيبتى
واحد ميكانيكي فتح مصنع شيكولاتة سماه: كالاكسى
we neeeeeed more jokes .. i'm out of my clean jokes.. these are all of them.. the others can't be posted here.. unles i'm sure that there isn't any girl here can read arabic.. lol
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
thoses r perfect but soooo dirty....
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
...
I just noticed that this thread seems to be a fun gutter bubling up naughty/dirty jokes :-D
here is some fun from my past memories too.. ;-)
Q. what is the difference b/w sky and skirt?
A. sky covers the whole generation and skirt covers the generation hole.
Q. what is the difference b/w a bottle of wine and a wife?
A. A bottle of wife is first filled then corked. The wife is first corked then filled.
I have some indian jokes .. but i don't understand them .. they seems to be naughty too .. can u plz translate..
Hair oil ki ad mein hair dikhate hain, Skin cream ki ad mein Skin, Toothpaste me Teeth, Footwears me Feet, par WHISPER ki ad mein kuch nahi dikhate????
Jaago Grahak Jaago!
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
walahy yabny mafesh a'7af men dam el masreen ...
1- Colour of underwear reflects your mood:
Red - Wild,
Black - Sexy,
Blue - Romantic,
Pink - Seductive,
White - Calm,
Yellow - you dirty, time to change your undrewear!
2- Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A computer doesn't laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.
3-Which Part...
of a man's body
has no bone
full of veins
loves pumping
and responsible 4
making LOVE!
ANSWER:
HEART!!! But i luv the way u think...
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:
Hello, could u give me a condom? My girl friend invited me for a dinner and I think she is expecting something from me ..
The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him:
give me another condom, My girl friend’s sister is cute too, she always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me, and I think she too is expecting something from me ..
The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says
After all, give me one more condom, My girl friend’s mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always make allusion, and since she invited me for a dinner, I think she is expecting something from me ..
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister facing him and the mom on his right him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..." Ten minutes, and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear:
I didn’t know you were o religious!!!
He replied: I didn’t know your Dad is a pharmacist !!!!!!!
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth....ruined the whole damn thing.
Assumption is the mother of all F%#kups.
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth....ruined the whole damn thing.
Assumption is the mother of all F%#kups.
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth....ruined the whole damn thing.
Assumption is the mother of all F%#kups.
you naughty boys......well......keep this thread alive.
i will search for clean jokes from my side :-D
ram.....i liked the 4th joke of the lady.
sinbad....that was cool.heard it before...but still fun to read it again and laugh.
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
lol.................lol..........lol
alhamdullilah a happy morning.
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
Someone else must have shot that bear i got u naughty.. i hope it's not u ... lol.. kidding
ok tab '7od deh ..
1- In a bar 1 Guy says 2 another
"I slept wid ur mom last nite"
D whole bar was waiting 4 d other Guy's response.
He laughs & says, "Lets go home dad, U r drunk"
2- When an apple is green, its ready to pluck. When a girl in eighteen, she is ready to...
To VOTE. You dirty mind, Elections are near, but I know what you were thinking.
3- Boy (to girl): What's there in between your legs?
Girl: Hell! And what's there in between your legs?
Boy: A sinner, who wants to go to hell.
4- Lady1: How come your husband is always home on time?
Lady2: I have made a simple rule. SEX will be at 9PM, whether you are here or not.
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
Stupid guy went to marry a girl, her father told him, but my girl is still at school, he replied, never mind, I will come back again in the evening.
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell You a Story.
I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella Instead of his gun.
"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of Him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the Handle.
The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.
"Exactly," replies the Doc.
Walahy enta MOSHKEEEEL :))
1- A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered - waiting for autumn.
2- A Sex expert was once asked whether a rape is possible while running. No, he replied, woman can run faster with her skirt up than a man with his pants down.
3- Sounds women make during sex.
1) Asthmatic - ah.ahh.ah..ah.
2) Obedient - yes.yes..yes.
3) Unsatisfied - more. more...more.
4) Religious - oh god. oh god.
4- Why do 90% of the girls have a bigger left breast ?
Beacuase 90% of the boys are right handed..
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
dont worry RAM...jokes are jokes:-D
quite coincidentatlly i have been reading my old readers digest thats discussing humour.so its a good dose i am getting since morning masha'allah.
there was one military joke in RD in which the platoon is getting ready for their morning walk/run when their commander tells them that he has good news and that the day's morning run pace will be decided by Tim.the platoon gets very happy and they are houling and hooting bcos Tim is a fat guy and very slow walker.
then the commander tells them the bad news...........
Tim will be driving the truck.
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
In this thread u will discover a new RAM... be aware for not changing ur idea about me.. it's just jokes ..
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
you naughty boys :-)
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
An elephant stand infront of a naked man and said "I wonder how u breath with this small thing"
On the wedding Night of bill gates after he get naked .. she looked at his **** sadly and said "Now i know why u named ur company Micro Soft
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
(:
not yet dear but inshallah very soon, really want to go back to work, soooo boring! Btw, u got my msg in Luisa's thread?
double post
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
apple...thanks a lot precious.
is your work done..the one you mentioned to me.
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
i will tell u later, ehe heeee
i like the doctors joke of Ram & the one million joke of sindbad, ha ha ha.
Ram, i told u already dude...
i dont understand the arabic part.i can only read it :-(
happy heart
drive safe because someone is waiting for you at home
then how can u read our arabic??
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
what do u mean not native? but u guys are arabs? and me...nope!
what's up for tomorrow?
ya, i totally understand :) RAM and myself too are not native ..
Have a nice day, and meet tomorrow :)
of coarse my dear, i know...but in fairness u made my day ehe heeee. i just tried to understand ur jokes coz i'm not native.
مسطول صدم شرطى .. راح اتصل ب 122 و قالهم: احب ابلغكم انه من دلوقتى بقيتوا 121 بس
u guys are funny. loool
Ram that's a good idea for saving dinner outside. tnx again, got to go now.
مرة واحد عصبي اتجوز وحدة عصبية، الدكتور جاى ينزل الولد قاله اوعى ايدك ياعم،، انا نازل لوحدى
واحد متجوز وقاعد في البيت وبيبص كتير في عقد الزواج، مراته قالت له: "بتبص في عقد الزواج ليه يا حبيبي؟" قالها: "مش عارف يا حياتي المأذون كتب تاريخ انتهاء العقد فين؟؟!!
Apple, we are only joking ..
my wife my life :)
هااااااااااااااااههاااااااهاااها
ارجع مشوفش وش اهلك فى البيت
انت طلعت فقر والله
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
ehe he heeeeeeeeee
are u going to do that to ur honey?
واحد بيقول لمراته اعملى حسابك هانتعشى بره الليله
رجع لقاها حاطة الطبلية قدام باب الشقة من بره
تلاتة وقعو من طياره فى الصحراء
لقوا مصباح علاء الدين
طلع قالهم: كل واحد فيكم له امنية واحدة بس
الاول: انا عايز ارجع بلدى
التانى: انا كمان عايز ارجع بلدى
التالت: ايه يا عم انت هاتسيبنى هنا لوحدى ...هاتهوملى تانى
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
OK
واحد اتصل بمراته و قالها انا ربحت المليون دولار .. جهزى شنطك حالاً
مراته فرحت قوى، و قالته اف مبروك ياحبيبى .. طب قول حنسافر على فين؟؟ و اخد معايا الهدوم الشتوى ولا الصيفى؟؟
قالها خدى اللى تخديه .. المهم ارجع مشوفش وش اهلك فى البيت
:))
hmmmm, hada bastos!
guys, thank you for the laugh... ha ha haa
مره واحده بتقول لجوزها "تصدق إن أنا كل يوم بحلم بيوم جوازنا" قالها: هى الكوابيس دى لسه بتجيلك؟"
Apple, I know this country well :)
RAM, its totally new :))
واحد بيقول لمراته ... انا النهاردة عايز رومانسية فى البيت ... راحت الزوجة سألت امها : يعنى ايه رومانسية يا ماما؟؟ الام قالتلها: مش عارفة، بس احتياطى ابقى إنقعى الرز.
which country? that's worst he heeee
واحدة متدينة قالت لجوزها كل ما كده كده ربنا يبنيلك بيت فى الجنة
و فى ماقربش نحيتها خالص
فقالتله انت مش عايز ربنا يبنيلك بيت فى الجنة
قالها والله عايز بس المقاول نايم
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
tell him put ketchup..
Ana 3aref enta toksod meeen ya sha2ey :)
ok take this new one ..
اتنين تاهو من زوجاتهم في السواق، الاول سأل التانى: هى مراتك لابسه ايه؟؟ قاله: بلوزة قصيرة شفافه و شورت جينز ضيق، و انت مراتك لابسه ايه؟؟ قاله: سيبك من مراتى دلوقتى و خلينا ندور على مراتك انت اهم ..
lah bs deh adeemah.. el awalaneia kanet gamda moot ...
اتنين دكاترة قاعدين مع بعض الأول بيقول للتانى :مش انا مرة نسيت المشرط جوة بطن المريض
التاني قاله : وايه يعنى ... ده انا مرة طلعت مخ واحد القطة جت كلته حطيت جزمة بدلها
الأول: ايه ده ؟؟ و عاش طبيعى
التانى: و بقى رئيس جمهورية كمان
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"
محشش فاتح محل فول و فلافل، واحد جاله و قاله ادينى سندوتش فول من غيار سلطة طماطم، قاله المحشش: مفيش سلطة طماطم، اعملهولك من غير سلطة طحينة؟؟
ha ha haaaa..
hmmm, i love falafil!
Another one in Arabic:
واحد احول و واحد اهبل .. فتحوا محل فول و فلافل .. الاحول يكور الفلافل و يرميها بره الطاسه .. و الاهبل واقف جنبه يقوله .. طششششششششش
Loooool...sindbad
Gamda moooooooooooooooot ..
"Similar eyes are seeing similar things, in a different ways"