Little Johnny
LITTLE JOHNNY FROM BROOKLYN ON MATH :
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little JOHNNY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on'," but I like your thinking."
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LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH :
Little JOHNNY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies JOHNNY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the f ** king difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
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LITTLE JOHNNY ON GETTING OLDER :
Little JOHNNY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little JOHNNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little JOHNNY answered, "No, he minded his own f ** king business."
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much, and I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, Honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear. Let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
good one....
read along !!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that" she says "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
hahah nice Joke
I was also very much frustrated today ... just relaxed with these jokes that my friend sent ... i wish i could say the little johnny dialogue in the last joke to someone ... that can manage my anger
A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot.
He pulled over, picked the poor parrot, who was still alive, but Unconscious.
He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.
When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:
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"BARS, bread, water!!!!... Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!! !"
thanks for bringin the smile on my face
Everybody is right and Everybody is wrong, its depend where you stand