Humor from Great Minds

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman
that even a bargain costs money. Edgar Watson Howe A true friend is one
who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.
Doug Larson A harmful truth is always better than...a useful lie.
Eric Bolton
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
Erno Philips I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. Robert
Paul We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching
them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and
shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
W.C. Fields Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody
else.
Will Rogers Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it
doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney Women now have choices. They can be married, not married,
have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with
children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't.
Erica Jong
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Wendell Johnson
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife
found out.
Joey Adams
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife
finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth
control are already born?
Benny Hill