first jokes of 2009 - Tally HO!

britexpat
By britexpat

I went to the doctors.

He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

By Pajju• 4 Jan 2009 11:50
Pajju

lady 1 : how come ur husband always come on time ?

lady 2 : i've made simple rule . sex will be sharp at 9 pm whether ur here or not..

By britexpat• 4 Jan 2009 11:29
britexpat

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

By anonymous• 4 Jan 2009 11:23
anonymous

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:"My first husband was a Sales Representqative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, `It`s gonna be great!`

My second husband was from Software Services, he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn`t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, `Those who can, do; those who can`t, teach.`

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn`t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process, but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn`t sure wheather it was his job.

My eight husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, `I know I have the product. I`m just not sure how to position it.`

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ... well, I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, and I know I`m going to get screwed.

By Pajju• 4 Jan 2009 10:30
Pajju

A young lady went into a bank to withdraw some money.

Clerk - "Can you identify yourself?"

Young lady took out the mirror from her bag and looked into it and said: "Yes, it's me all right."

By Victory_278692• 4 Jan 2009 09:29
Victory_278692

.........NEW OFFICE POLICY..........

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to

your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a

Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially

and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your

money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and

therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need

to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof

of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Fridays and Saturdays

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work There is nothing

you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every

effort should be made to have non-employees attend the

funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where

employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be

scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to

allow you to work through your lunch hour and

subsequently leave one hour early.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need

to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's

all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.

There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the

stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will

sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall

door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your

second offense, your picture will be posted on the

company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'

category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be

sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here

to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,

frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation

and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

By britexpat• 3 Jan 2009 12:31
britexpat

A dog goes into a fish and chip shop and says "can i have a job please?" the

shop owner says "my god a talking dog! why don't you join a circus?" the dog

replies "what would the circus want with a plumber?"

By Victory_278692• 3 Jan 2009 12:06
Rating: 2/5
Victory_278692

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting

department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in

engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in

planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in

operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information

technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking

for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic

planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been

moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way

that they can neither be seen or heard from

put them in, Congress.

By anonymous• 3 Jan 2009 12:06
anonymous

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated, so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here licketysplit."

"No, no, no, thatsa not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the ass, grab-a the tits...but he no lickety split!"

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He who speak doesn't know, he who knows doesn't speak

By Giridharan.T.R.• 3 Jan 2009 12:03
Giridharan.T.R.

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.

"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.

So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.

At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Well thank fuck for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

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A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

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A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,

"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,

"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,

"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

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This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

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There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

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Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating

enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking

about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if

they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen

bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way

you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners

for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian

go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,

weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with

his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until

it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty

narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire

measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go

their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.

How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.

All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and

pulling my ears."

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There was this guy who really took care of his body and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. About that time two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it round with he cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying,

"There is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady said, "look at that."

When I was 20..... I was curious about it

When I was 30..... I enjoyed it

When I was 40..... I asked for it

When I was 50..... I paid for it

When I was 60..... I prayed for it

When I was 70..... I forgot about it

And now that I am 80, the damned thing is growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

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One day a little red indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."

The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The red Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The red Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

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An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

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An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to

last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was

concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor

for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last

longer

during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't

do

it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck

over on the side of the highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew

closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not

wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut

and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck

rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

By Harry99• 3 Jan 2009 11:20
Harry99

A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'

'No' was the reply.

'Shame, it's his birthday.'

By anonymous• 2 Jan 2009 22:09
anonymous

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'Johnny, what is it used for?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.

By britexpat• 2 Jan 2009 21:52
britexpat

Notfromhere woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made cookies!'

'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'

By anonymous• 2 Jan 2009 21:52
anonymous

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.

A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.

The guy says, "I'd like a quickie." The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order."

The guys says, "I'd really like a quickie."

The waitress angrily storms off after this.

Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, "I think that it's pronounced quiche..."

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He who speak doesn't know, he who knows doesn't speak

By mjamille28• 2 Jan 2009 21:51
mjamille28

lol,.. nice way to start the year,.. thanks brit....

By anonymous• 2 Jan 2009 21:45
Rating: 2/5
anonymous

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For 50 bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

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He who speak doesn't know, he who knows doesn't speak

By anonymous• 2 Jan 2009 21:39
anonymous

A hiker became lost and ends up spending the next three days wandering around in the woods looking for food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle perched on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating the bird raw.

A park ranger stumbles onto the scene, finds the hiker eating the bird, and arrests him for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask - what did the bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honor,” the hiker says, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

By britexpat• 2 Jan 2009 19:15
britexpat

A man goes into a pet shop and walks up to the counter.

"Yes, sir, can I help you ?" asks the assistant.

"I'd like a wasp, please", said the man.

"You'd like a WHAT, sir ?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled.

"I'd like a WASP, please", he repeats.

"I'm sorry sir; we don't sell wasps in here."

"Well, there's one in the window ..."

By funnyboy• 2 Jan 2009 17:50
Rating: 2/5
funnyboy

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."

By anonymous• 2 Jan 2009 11:49
anonymous

Every time the man next door headed toward Michaels's house, Michael knew he was coming to borrow something.

"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Michael to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Michael with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

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He who speak doesn't know, he who knows doesn't speak

By anonymous• 2 Jan 2009 11:44
anonymous

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank.

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The customer replies, “Yes!”

The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG - shoots him in the head and kills him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did You see me rob this bank?”

The man calmly responds ... “No, but my wife did!”

--------------------------------------------

He who speak doesn't know, he who knows doesn't speak

By britexpat• 2 Jan 2009 11:18
britexpat

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

By anonymous• 2 Jan 2009 10:47
anonymous

I am familiar with the term Tally Ho, but seeing who the author of the thread was, I thought it might be a play on words. You HAVE been known to toss around a few puns now and then :-P .................

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.

Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

By Harry99• 2 Jan 2009 10:39
Harry99

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

By Pearla• 2 Jan 2009 09:42
Pearla

its not a joke but a funny video...I posted this video before..but apparently no one saw it...here it is again

Watch it till the end..its only 38 sec..

Omid Djalili road rage

*******************

Do you know me? ...You know nothing about me!...so don't try to judge me

By britexpat• 2 Jan 2009 08:24
britexpat

:) Tally Ho, means "lets get going"

A man walked into the doctor's.

The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time."

The man replied "I know, I've been ill" .

By Pajju• 2 Jan 2009 00:18
Pajju

he he :)

By Pajju• 2 Jan 2009 00:04
Pajju

ouch !!!! so u wanna meet me ? or doc ? :D

By rMs_000• 2 Jan 2009 00:00
rMs_000

lol pajju. .

By anonymous• 1 Jan 2009 23:59
anonymous

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

By Pajju• 1 Jan 2009 23:58
Pajju

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

brite: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

brite: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday

By anonymous• 1 Jan 2009 23:51
anonymous

Oh dear, when I saw the title, I was afraid they were going to be "ho" jokes :-/

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