Jokes - The Great Jokes Spam Forum

Hello My Dear how are you happy new year?

My name is joy, I saw your profile today and i become interested in you, Please My Dear I will like you to contact me back as soon as possible through my email address (joybugiba80(AT)yahoo.com) so that i can give you my pictures for you to know whom i am, I believe we can move from here. Please Remember colour or distance does not matter, but Love matters allot in life. Reply me back on time,

from joy

A snail walks into a bar.

The barman says, "sorry, We don't serve snails here."

The snail replies, "Look, I'm tired. I just want a pint!"

The barman says, "Look, we don't serve snails here" and he kicks the snail out of the bar and onto the pavement.

A year later the snail walks back into the bar and says, "What was that for?"

In school canteen,

there was a basket of apples with a written note:

“don’t take more than 1, God is watching!”

A little further there was a box of chocolates,

a naughty child wrote:

“Take as many as u want. God is watching the apples”

True relatives always

stand behind u during bad times.

Check ur marriage album.

All your relatives were standing behind u!

A Tiger was giving wedding party to his frnds..

A Cat came there and danced.

Tiger asked who r u ?

Cat said: I was also a Tiger before my marriage.......

So I created Mother.

Devil Replied: Me to can’t be everywhere.

So I created Mother-In-Law.

I count the hours, I count the days.

How much I miss you,

I miss your voice, I miss your touch.

And I miss the face, which I love so much.

How to describe it,

I long to feel, your warm embrace.

And to see a smile, upon your face.

I will not sleep, won’t close one eye.

Until you're home.

I miss you so much, to the moon and the stars.

And this feeling will go on, until you're safe in my arms.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ?Dad, what is the difference between ?potentially? and ?realistically???

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ?Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he?d sleep with Brad Pitt for a

million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.?

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ?Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars??

The mother replied, ?Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!?

The boy then went to his sister and asked, ?Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars??

The girl replied, ?Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts??

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ?Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars??

?Of course,? the brother replied. ?Do you know what a million bucks would buy??

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, ?Did you find out the difference between ?potentially? and ?realistically???

The boy replied, ?Yes, ?Potentially?, you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But ?realistically?, we?re living with two whores and a homo!

Santa’s definitions at medical exam-

*Antibody=against every body.

*artery= study of fine painting.

*genes= blue denims.

*labour pain= pain due to injury at work….

*liposuction=french kiss.

*microbes= small dressing gown.

*cardiology=advanced study of playing cards.

*cat scan=search for lost cat.

*coma=punctuation mark.

*bacteria=back door to a cafeteria.

Saeedi holding a economy class ticket on a flight to Egypt occupied some ones seat in business class cabin

when that passenger came back Saeedi refused to vacate his seat

big problems and argument took place but no, Saeedi will not vacate the seat

One anoher educated passenger came and murmured some thing in his ear

Saeedi immediately vacated the seat.

the Captain was pleased and asked the other man what did he say

He replied I told Saeedi that this cabin will not go to Egypt, only back side cabin is going to Egypt.

Saeedi holding a economy class ticket on a flight to Egypt occupied some ones seat in business class cabin

when that passenger came back Saeedi refused to vacate his seat

big problems and argument took place but no, Saeedi will not vacate the seat

One anoher educated passenger came and murmured some thing in his ear

Saeedi immediately vacated the seat.

the Captain was pleased and asked the other man what did he say

He replied I told Saeedi that this cabin will not go to Egypt.

Ek train patri se utarne ka case ADALAT mai aya

Train ka Driver Pathan tha

Usse Poocha k tumne train patri se kyoun utari ?

PATHAN : O yara!! aik banda samne se agaya tha or break marne ka time nahi tha hamara Assistant bola k is ke Upar chara do

WAKIL : Phir ??

PATHAN : bas wo banda patri se utra to humne train b utardi

Ek train patri se utarne ka case ADALAT mai aya

Train ka Driver Pathan tha

Usse Poocha k tumne train patri se kyoun utari ?

PATHAN : O yara!! aik banda samne se agaya tha or break marne ka time nahi tha hamara Assistant bola k is ke Upar chara do

WAKIL : Phir ??

PATHAN : bas wo banda patri se utra to humne train b utardi

Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.

Banta Singh : Ok

Interviewer : Made in India

Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan

Interviewer : Good… Keep it Up

Banta Singh : Bad…. Put it Down

Interviewer : Maxi Mum

Banta Singh : Mini Dad

Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat

Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don’t take my seat

Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat

Banta Singh : Clever! Don’t take my seat

Interviewer : I say you get out!

Banta Singh : You didn’t say I come in

Interviewer : I reject you!

Banta Singh : You appoint me

Maalik Nokar Se:

Is Mehngai K Dor Me

Parathay Pe Is Qadar Ghee?

Kya Hogya Hai Tumhe?

Noker:

Maaf Kijiye Ga

Ghalti Se Mera Pratha Apke Pas Agya Hai

Ek pathan english sekhny Obama ke pass gaya....

3month bad wapis aya to pathan ko Obama ka phone aya.....

pthan:hi Obama, how are you?.......

Obama:yara tm ENGLISH choro NASWAR bhejo.........!!!

boy:i can kiss u even without touching u ...!!

girl: u can`t...

boy: bet 20 20

girl : ok

(boy kiss tightly)

girl: jey u touched me ....!!

boy: take this 20 rupay ...

Sadar: Tumhari shadi kis se hui? ....

Pathan: Hamara 1 aurat se shadi hua hai...

Sardar:Bewakuf kabhi kisi mard se bhi shadi hoti hai? ......

Pathan:Han hamara Behan ka hua hai....

ek Sardar army mien bharti hua

2 din baad jang shuru hogai

Sardar k helmet pe goli lagi

Sardar gun phaink k bhag or bola

Aqalmand k liye ishara hee kaafi hai

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, sir!"

God is in joking mood

A man was praying to god.

He said, "God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!.......just a second."

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.

And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants.

He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Reporter: Hi

Egyptian: Hello

Reporter: Do u speak English

Egyptian: Berfect

Reporter: Do u mind if I interview u

Egyptian: No, I don't have a mind

Reporter: What's your name?

Egyptian: Taha

Reporter: Sex?

Taha: I love it

Reporter: oh no, I meant male or female?

Taha(yelling) : what do u sink?

Reporter: it's just for the sake of the report. Never mind... male....

Taha: No... I like female

Reporter: How do u find life here in Egypt ?

Taha: Egybt..Very nice cantry..nice wezar..nice food..byramidz

Reporter: Oh well..beside the weather and the pyramids..what else do u like in ur country?

Taha: Byramids, nice wezar, nice food

Reporter: DO YOU WORK?

Taha: Yas, when I am not buzy..

Reporter: What do u think about the traffic problem in Egypt ?

Taha: Very big broblem..very much cars..u see?..but za guvurment is trying to make it bettar..zey did a circle street and za mehwar street..and zey make all streets one way so if u go..u cant come back!!!

Reporter: What about the economic problems in Egypt ?

Taha: I do not undurztand what u say

Reporter: I mean..how do u deal with money problems in egypt ?

Taha: Egypt very rich cantry...we have alot of cotton..a lot of water..and we have byramidz

Reporter: So do u make a lot of money?

Taha: No no.. it is not legal to make money..one frend I know make money at home..and he go to brizon.. if u make money at home.. you will go to brizon

Reporter: let me rephrase..since Egypt is a rich country.. do u have a lot of money?

Taha: me? ...Not a lot…..but I eat and drink Alhamdulelah?

Reporter: Then where does all the money go?

Taha: Guvurment

Reporter: And what does the government do with the money?

Taha: Zey Build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way

Reporter: well , Ok...Do u vote?

Taha: What duz zat mean?

Reporter: Do u choose your president

Taha: Who, Mubarak?

Reporter: yes

Taha(nervously) : I didn't give my voice..But if I was. I will give him my voice

Reporter: Why him?

Taha: Because he was an airoplane in za war..he waz za leadar airoplane

Reporter: But there r no wars right now

Taha: But if we have war..u see?...we know we will have a very good airoplane in it

Reporter: what about the last 26 years?

Taha: I got marry..and have Ahmed an d Amira..and……….

Reporter: No, I meant Mubarak.

Taha: He also marry… and have…

Reporter (interrupting) :No, I meant what did Mubarak do for Egypt in the last 26 years

Taha: He build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way

Reporter: Thank you very much for ur time Mr. Taha

Taha: No broblem, only 10 bounds

Reporter: I never said i will pay u for this

Taha: ok ok…. Zanks a lot

HARD-DISK Girls:

She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:

She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:

Difficult to access.

SERVER Girls:

Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:

She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:

She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:

Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:

Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her,

she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.

If you try to uninstall her you will lose something,

if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

By the time you read through this YOU

WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China!

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a

hotel..

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No?Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes!

Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......and you do, don't you?!!!

nice shating... thanks.

He's a Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny men in little fur coats

woman wished joke is nice. many woman are same alike

Read Philippinas & Egyptions story, it is very sensitive as well as some funny coments are there:

http://www.qatarliving.com/node/806369

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than

you. '

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention

Female Readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

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Male readers: Please scroll down....

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The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women always think they're really smart .

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

all are good jokes, thanks for sharing everyone

thanks radar-radar.. you posted also very funny jokes.

Rock_Roll..

nice ones.. thanks for sharing

best joke of the day:

http://www.qatarliving.com/node/803866

/me yawns

A Pakistani And An Indian

The Pakistani having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an Indian, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Pakistani ignores the Indian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Indian: "You Pakistani folk eat the whole bread??"

Pakistani (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Indian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In India , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Pakistan ." The Indian has a smirk on his face.

The Pakistani listens in silence.

The Indian persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Pakistani: "Of Course."

Indian: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In India we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Pakistan ."

After a moment of silence, The Pakistani then asks: "Do you have sex in India ?"

Indian: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Pakistani: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Indian: "We throw them away, of course."

Pakistani: "We don't. In Pakistan , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to India ."

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster - A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.

Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied "I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"

nice jokes, i got refresh after reading them. all of them are really good and made me laughing

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A. From a catalogue.

Bill Gates in Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

radar.. difference between u and boss is very true

Heaven And Hell

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,

The policemen are English,

The mechanics are German,

The lovers are Italian,

The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,

The policemen are German,

The mechanics are French,

The lovers are Swiss,

The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,

The design and construction is done by Apple,

The marketing is done by Microsoft,

IBM provides the support,

Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,

Microsoft does design and construction,

IBM handles the marketing,

The support is from Gateway,

Intel sets the price.

New Viruses on the loose!

Oprah Winfrey virus:

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:

Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist virus:

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:

Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:

Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:

The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:

You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:

Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:

Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:

Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:

Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:

Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:

Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

1 When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Biggest Mystery of Mathematics...

Thousands of Years have passed.....

Number of theorems have been derived....

Thousands of Formulas have been made....

But still

X is unknown....!!!!

But

XXX is well known !!!!!!!!

Sir, "What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank President.

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word.'

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience. "

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions ."

*******

notice of the company and young wife are excellent

radar-radar... nice jokes, could not stop laughing

hilarious! keep em coming :D

Diary Of a Young Wife‏:

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.

It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.

It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

Notice of a company to employees

ECO

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm

***********

1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

***********

2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

***********

3) LUNCH BREAK:

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

***********

4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

***********

5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

***********

6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Best Regards,

ECO

I was not in a good mood but reading the jokes made me lighten my mind and it changed my mood too.great.... thanks

Regards,

Theblueocean

Indians v/s Pakistani

Two Indians boarded a British Airways flight out of London. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the Aisle. Just before take-off, a Pakistani got on and took the middle seat.

After take-off, the Pakistani kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Indian in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the Pakistani, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Indians picked up the Pakistani's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Indian said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Pakistani obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Indian picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

When the Pakistani returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Pakistani slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" He asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations, This hatred, This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

Santa was trying to learn about Logic. But it was tough for him.

A wise man saw that Santa is desperately trying to learn. So, he went to Santa and asked him "May I help you in some way? "

Santa : I'm trying to learn Logic but its really tough. Angry

Man : Logic is not tough. Its so simple. You just have to think it in some other way.

Santa : Other way? Undecided

Man : Let me explain you. Do you have an aquarium in your house?

Santa : Yes.

Man : Then there must fishes in it?

Santa : Yes. 5.

Man : There must be someone to feed those fishes?

Santa : Yes, my wife feeds them. So?

Man : So, this is the logic. It proves that you are not

gay. Smiley

Santa : Oh ! Shocked Its so simple. Grin

Next day Santa went to Banta's place to teach him logic. He was really proud of himself.

Santa : Oye Banteya.. I'll teach you logic today. Cool

Banta : Ok. Roll Eyes

Santa : Tell me, do you have an aquarium in your house? Cool

Banta : No. Shocked

Santa : (After thinking for a while) Sala Gay kahi ka..

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

"What time does the library open?" Phone the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" Shifty Eyes Idiot the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

Once 3 Turtles decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized that they had forgotten the soda.

The youngest turtle said he would go home & get it if they wouldn't eat the

snacks until he got back.

A week went by,

then a month,

finally an year,

the 2 turtles said 'oh, come on, lets eat the snacks'

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Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said

'If you do like this, I won't go.'

In a survey of types of passwords chosen by people, a woman had a password as "donald-mickey-popeye-brutus-tom-jerry"

When asked why such a password..........

she said "because it required the password to be minimum 6 characters long"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function

and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"?

WOMAN:"Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN:"I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN:"Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models.

I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN:" $ 70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on

the market. They're asking $ 950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.."

WOMAN:"OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the changing room

are staring at him in astonishment,

mouths agape..... He smiles and asks:

"Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

"What time does the library open?" Phone the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" Shifty Eyes Idiot the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

CET question paper.,

Fill in the blanks.,

If a girl faints, we must first check her PU_S_.

Those who wrote pulse got medical seats, others got engineering seats

Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia ). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the F*** is this?! This is shit you Bas****?!?

And Sardar calmly replies:

"Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper..

Teacher: How old is ur father.

John: As old as I am.

Teacher: How is it possible?

John: He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)

Teacher: What is the full form of maths?

John: Mentally affected teachers harassing students.

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with

his bills.

3. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

4. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that

everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is

defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life...

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor

degree and a woman gains her master degree.

19. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be

spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in

midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

What is a girl friend?

Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies and division of friends.

In bio practical:

Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?

Sardar: I don't know.

Examiner: You are failed, what's your name?

Sardar: See my legs & tell my name

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Ofcourse ... women won.

Once a doctor was running after a patient .. people asks him " wht happened ?" "why u r running after him ?"

Doctor answers - " He comes everytime for Circumcision but runs away after shaving"

Subject: NANO Cab

!

There was a Japanese man who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a brand new Nano cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, " Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, " Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, " Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The sardarji driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was 5000 rupees. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... So expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"!

Never argue with a woman...

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies,

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her

husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his

wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife

that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her

husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over,

and two said he was still there.

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father

hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT

YOU A FORTUNE"

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your

picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can

there be greater than this one?"

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?

A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U

Continue to do so.

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumuor

Amazing Puzzle

Mamta is 21 years older than her son raju.

In 6 years from now mamata will be 5 times as old as raju.

Question: Where's Mamata's Husband ?

(There IS a mathematical solution for this..

try it before scrolling down)

**********

**********

**********

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..

..

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..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

Solution:

Mamata (MOM 'M') is 21 years older than Raju (Child 'C').

M = C + 21

In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.

M + 6 = ( C + 6 ) x 5

C + 21 + 6 = ( C + 6) x 5

C + 27 = 5C + 30

-3 = 4C

C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 year old, that's -9 months.

Child will be born in 9 months.

..

..

..

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..

So, right now, Mamata's Husband is on top of her

5 Hi-Tech Sardar Inventions:

1- Water Proof Towel

2- Solar Powered Torch

3- Book On How 2 Read

4- Pedal Powered Wheel Chair

5- Umbrella With Holes 2 See Raining.. :-)

Warning!!! There is a new virus around!!!

There is a new virus, code name is "work". If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any one else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!! This virus wipes out your private life completely. Put on the jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.

Question: Who was the 1st Indian woman fly abroad?

Answer: Sita with Ravan

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it

Within three days, you can keep it.

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Cooking Plus and Cleanhouse2008. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother In Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

---------------------------------

And the flip side...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Flatulism 6.2

CAUTION:

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!!

Tech Support

A man is driving his car very fast. A police man stops him he thinks that the man is drunk so he asks him some questions.

police: look at the street there are two flash lights whats that?

man: its a car.

police: but which car a mercedes, a bmw or a porsche? that was poor second question.

look at the street there is only one flash light what is that?

man: it is a bike.

police: but which bike, a hero honda a yamaha or a bajaj? that was also poor i think you are drunk i have to take you to the police station.

man: ok now i want to ask you a question.

police: ok ask me.

man: what is a girl in small clothes on the street at night?

police: it is a whore.

man: yeah but which whore your mom your sister or your daughter?

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.

"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she

stopped by to see you."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!

Put in some more butter!

Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter.

Oh my gosh!

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL!

I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never!

Turn them!

Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them. Use the

salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I

don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

she: "What are you doing?"

he: "Hunting Flies"

she: "Oh. Killing any?"

he: "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,"

she: Intrigued, "How can you tell them apart?"

he: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Ram to Shyam : my father dug the suez canal......

Shyam : That's nothing.......have u heard of dead sea???

yes i've

my father killed it !!!!!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some

problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I

find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find'

button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not

provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

What is the difference between Saali & Wife

Saali is Beauty, Wife is Duty

Saali is Pension, Wife is Tension

Saali is Yummy, Wife is Vehmi

Saali is Pataka, Wife is Dhamaka

Saali is Cool, Wife is Fool

Saali is Tooti - Fruity, Wife is Kismat Futi

Saali is Fresh cake, Wife is earth QUAKE

Musharraf and his driver were going to Military Air Base and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Musharraf saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm Musharraf's driver and I just killed the pig."

AL FA Q

some definitions..

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that

you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree

and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the

Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of

either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody

believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and

everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got

caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are

early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your

Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you

actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to

decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when

dead

nice sharing

Software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?

Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.

Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning

Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.

Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.

Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.

Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?

Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?

Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?

Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?

Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.

Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.

Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.

Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going

Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

Woman are like balls.

When they are age 16 to 22 -

They are like soccer ball. 22men chasing after one.

When they are age 23 to 29 -

They are like basket ball. 10men chasing after one.

When they are age 30 to 40 -

They are like Ping pong ball. 2 men pushing to each other.

When they are age 41 and up -

They are like golf ball. The further you hit the better.

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

DIVERSITY DIFFERS IN THOUGHT TOO

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy

grows.

You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.

You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.

You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for

warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for

submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for

equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by

the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.

You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will

be a danger to mankind.

You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month

and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You don't know where they are! You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary

cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them

worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.

You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone

reporting the actual numbers.

SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS

You have a cow and a bull.

You let the cow be President and the bull be Prime Minister and let

them blame each other for the state the country is in.

PS. nothing personal with any nationality, its just for fun.

Newtons First Law of Love

the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals

Newtons Second law of Love

the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is

directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increament or decreament of the bank balance.

Newtons Third Law of Love

a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, untill on unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.

Newtons Law of Romance

LOVE CAN NEITHER BE CREATED NOR BE DESTROYED,

IT CAN ONLY BE CHANGED FROM

ONE GIRL FRIEND TO ANOTHER...

Engineer vs Manager

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied,

"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

MBA v/s Engineer

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a

competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are

millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Economically there are mass scales of stars in the sky.

So "Economy of Scale " would be the ideal strategy in that market.

Strategically such market would be a volume driven market

Financially it would be a low margin market.

From HR point of view we would require huge manpower

What does it tell you?"

The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically"

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"Someone has stolen our TENT"

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday

and I didn't feel very well

waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast

hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!",

and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

she barely said good morning,

let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,

but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast

and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,

my secretary Jane said,

"Good Morning Boss, and by the way

Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better

that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,

when Jane knocked on my door

and said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go

where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro

with a private table.

We had two martinis each

and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,

Jane said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

do we?"

I responded,

"I guess not.

What do you have in mind?"

She said,

"Let's drop by my apartment,

it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,

Jane turned to me and said,

"Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife,

my kids,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

In my Birthday suit .

To get into heaven you had to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair god asks you a joke if you laugh you go to HELL.

So the brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell.

Then red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell.

Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing then god asked her "why are you laughing?"

the blonde replied "I just got the first one!"

the right one for alfa Q:

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Alfa Q..

U edited This joke. There was no Pakistani and Indian, instead it was about a girl and man.

Secondly respect the religion, u know alcohol is not allowed in Islam and it us prohibited by Allah.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of

her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife,

irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

A Pakistani and an Indian get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Indian sees the Pakistani's car and asks, "So you're a Pakistani. I'm an Indian. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Pakistani replies, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from Allah."

The Indian continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Pakistani.

The Pakistani says "Even though alcohol is banned by Islam but it looks like Allah wanted us to drink." He takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the Indian.

The Indian takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Pakistani. The Pakistani asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Indian replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police!

AL FA Q

Lottery Winner A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and says - "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!

The husband says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?

She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out of here."

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the daylights out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more READING.

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy : It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl : Well that is because we aren’t married yet.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

Genie thought for a while and said

"You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, "When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?"

This one is little long, but worth reading

Banking Procedure for Male and Female:

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on it.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

its edited, thanks

Sardar on phone "Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right now".

Doctor: Is this her first child?

Sardar: No this is her husband speaking............

************************************

I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and

knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and

he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.

He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an

equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-

turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know

how to get to Des Moines either."

On a golf tour in Ireland,

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas

station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knew nothing about golf didn't recognise Tiger, greets him in typical Irish manner.

"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant. Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs,

responds with, "And the rest of the day to you,

Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he > does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on

when I'm driving," says Tiger. "Feckin hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

he was able to speak for one minute only :P :D :P :D

************************************

I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge.

double dose

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained.

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

So what do they call "john the ******"

A young man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is;

the old man gets very irate at this point and says: "See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!

See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell! See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!

But, a long long time ago, I fucked *one* sheep..."

Who is next??

Girl Friends

Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;

1,Too Many Questions.

2,Difficult to Understand.

3,More Explanation is Needed.

4,Result is always FAIL!!

A man approached a local in a village and asked: "What is the quickest way to the nearest city?"

Villager scratched his head and asked: "Are you walking or driving?"

"I am driving."

"That is the quickest way."

britexpat, sorry.. typo error, now he has become only john

The doctor took John into the room and said, "John, i have some good news and some bad news."

John "Give me the good news first."

Doc "They're going to name a disease after you."

"I’m afraid you only have three weeks to live," the doctor told his patient.

The patient replied, "Then I’ll take the last two weeks in "July and the week between Christmas and New Year."

How does Jagdish become John ?

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....??" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "My God!"

The tradition at weddings

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

A lion held a huge party at his place ,He invited only his fellow lions.The

lions were dancing when a mouse also came a joined in.

The lion asked the mouse why he entered the party when the other species

were not invited.

The mouse said 'i was also lion before marriage'

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"

Sam : "It's a family tradition".

Teacher : "What do you mean?"

Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".

Teacher : "What about your mother?"

Sam : "She's a woman".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer : "What other colours do you have?"

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

What makes a happy man?

Daughter on the cover of cosmo.

Son on the cover of sports illustrated.

Mistress on the cover of playboy

and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he deiced to ask her on the telephone.

“Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, you stupid ******!

let me start first

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.