Some funny lines and jokes

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I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

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Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

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Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

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Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

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What are 3 words you never want to hear while making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

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Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

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Reverse dynamics:
When a man becomes rich he becomes naughty
& when a woman becomes naughty.... She becomes rich.

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Lady1: How come your husband is always home on time?
Lady2: I have made a simple rule. SEX will be at 9pm, whether you are here or not.

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What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

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The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

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When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

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Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.