arranges marriages
I was always wondering about arranged marriages, because before I came to Doha I had no idea that such phenomenon is existing. So does anybody has any experience about it? People forced into a marriage can be still happy and fall in love? Or don't you feel you miss something because you just can't married with someone who you love, rather who has been chosen for you?
It's really just curiosity, as I don't know anything about such relationships.
That is why she is not pushing the issue. His parent are so against it, that she fears it will tear them apart anyway if they did just go and marry against the families wishes. And I know she loves him too much to put him through all that.
Anyway, they have had to accept the situation, as he is marrying in a few months.
It just so sad though....
Its a lot to do with ones attitudes, upbringing and outlook. Some people are fine with arranged marraiges - some are not. Does not make arrnaged marriages a chore or some thing that are forced or some thing thats just a routine. Its more on how the couple that enter into the marriage and the surrounding situations that foster it.
In my friends circle - most of my friends have gone for love marriage excepting 2 of them. But the ironic thing was that after marriage - the 2 friends that went for arranged marriage seem to be having the most healthy and vibrant relationship. Now if you see them together - no one would even guess that its an arranged one. They are so much in love and having fun. They have travelled half of the world already in the last 2 yrs. I do understand that not all arranged marriages are like this. But - as I mentioned - it all depends on the couples themselves.
XEna - Unfortunately, these sort of forced marriages happen even these days. It does happen in India too. Compared to the past - its a lot lesser thats it. Its not eliminated completely and I think it wont happen soon. I think the kids need to be able to talk and convince their folks on their choices - its not that easy - I do get it. But I think it works many a times. But the ones that fight back or give up soon fail quickly. Instead of fighting back - they should discuss it with their folks. However - Many a times - the relationships that i have seen where the family does not approve it - they dont last for long. Now thats what I have seen - does not mean that its 100% right! Just my observation :-)
AR.
" Life is not a party we hoped for, but while we are here, we might as well dance! "
in this case xena i think that the indian guy is not interested in ur friend...coz i think that indian fellow is not a small kid that can be forced to marry..he is a grownup and can take his own decisions...and anyways i have seen ppl getting divorsed after love marriage and have seen ppl gettin divorced after arranged marriage too
I have a friend(westerner) that is in love with an indian guy, and he with her, but his parents are making him marry within his culture.
How do they deal with this?
I just find that's the general attitude here or among some people. They view marriage as something that has to be done, whether you want to or no.
"I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
How can marriage, one of the most important issues in our life, be equal to brushing your teeth or getting your hair cut? illogical Gypsy!
Chore is really the only word I can think of. Marriage here is viewed like birth and death, it's something you HAVE to do whether you want to or not. It's a natural part of life.
Whereas in love marriages it's not something you Have to do, it's something you are lucky to find, and it's viewed more as a privledge then a neccessary part of life.
"I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
Of course I agree with you, there are families behind love marriages too no doubt about it.
However,I am not quite sure that arranged marriages are seen as a chore, as I have been to a couple of local engagements and weddings and have seen just how happy couples are with one another.
Canarybird there are families behind love marriages too. The thing that gives arranged marriages strength is that the people involved in them view marriage like a chore, whilst in love marriages it is viewed more as something special and unique.
"I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
Actually I heard that here in Qatar there are many divorces because the girl and the boy don't get along.
However arranged marriages are much stronger than love marriages simply because (as it was said earlier in this thread) there are families behind the marriages and this gives the marriage strength. Many of the couples families will not accept a divorce.
The couples in arranged marriages have the same problems in their marriage as others do in love marriage. Only these are kept inside the family and generally not discussed openly. Tradition and religon are the base for many of these marriages.
Even today in Turkey mothers are looking for wives/husbands for their children to get them married off after they have finished their studies.
I think in most places where arranged marriages are practiced divorce is uncommon, simply because the marriage must be absolute hell before they give it up (spousal abuse, drug or alcohol abuse). I think in those cases divorce is accepted, however just giving up because you aren't in love isn't an option, since you didn't marry for love, you married just to marry.
"I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
By my own experience.. love will just grow up by time and by adjusting with the other side of this firm..you will just find ur self falling in love with your partner .once u have children it will be somthing like two parts welded togother.and hard to seperat..there will be some proplem through this trip. but those are the peptizers of this partnership..
Is Apache singing in the song in English (forgive my ignorance)? if so, can you write the lyrics, maybe copy and paste into the site.
Also, do you know Outlandish? hip-hop group based in Denmark. Hits like "Aicha" (remix), "Calling You" "Walou" are their's.
They have a hit called "Sakeena" about arranged marriage...
Salam
listen to the song "arranged marraige" by apache indian. it will answer most of your queries....he he
Thank you all for your comments. You have enlightened me. Like Herne I was having the same question in my mind since I came to Qatar. Special credit to Gypsy for her ability to put together such a wise comment.
Just another question. What is the position of the woman if she finds out (after marriage) that she can't love the man? Can she "escape"? Does society and especially the family circle tolerate divorce? Does she or maybe he (I have no idea) stay with a person they don't love for a lifetime?
May the roof above us never fall in, and may the friends below never fall out!
Different strokes for different folks.
Arranged marriages work for some and not others, but nowadays arranged marriages aren't forced on the guy or girl but it's become more of a match making agency where both parties have a say in it.
Thanks for all of you guys to share your opinions. It really helped to see it on an other way!
So it seems more like arranged marriages work out better than love marriages. That seems to be the majority opinion over here.
If anything I think the foundation for an arranged marrige is stronger then that of a love marriage. People who get in arranged marriages do so without any silly romantic ideas of love and Mr. or Mrs. Right, marriage is just something you do, like brushing your teeth or getting your hair cut. It's neccessary, and does not have to be nice, and they are more willing to put up with more crap because marriage is a part of life, and not neccessarily an enjoyable part.
People who get into love marriages don't do it because it is neccessary, or any sense of that they have to, but rather because it is nice, so when it stops being nice, they leave it.
"I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
I guess we respect all our own cultures. And in the case of arranged marriage, they just accept the situation and be happy with it, trying to work out the relationship once got married. Because they lived with this customs.
It doesn't mean that the marriage will not be that strong because the foundation is weak (the usual process of falling in love and getting married). It's how you make things work out especially when you got to have a child.
Nobody knows what our relationships will lead to.. even those who undergone the usual process.. its how we choose to be happy in every situation. They say that true love is when you fall out of love and still you choose him/her to love...
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It is something like a blind date or a friend is setting you up with someone they think they’re nice and suitable.
The very traditional way of arranged marriage is for a relative to call the family and say “ I have gem for your daughter”…). The groom-to-be agrees to a date and visits, with a bouquet of flowers or maybe a small box of chocolate, the family, at the girl’s house.
Also, many families meet the groom outside their homes, for more comfort, and not necessarily that parents have to be around, maybe just the sister or another friend of the girl.
Other families, they don't tell the girl and make it look as if it's a casual meeting with a friend! ummm (once mom commented on my hair and the color of my top, the penny drops right away " let's get over with this guy too"..:))
Personally, it never worked and I’m never forced to say YES. Sometimes the girl is forced to meet the guy, even if she did not want to. If both liked each other later, he may come back again for a couple of times before any official commitment or obligation(i.e engagement).
A friend of mine, who is very educated, rich and independent, accepted to meet a guy (arranged). She is now happier than even and with 2 kids too.
I’m leading a happy life too…married or unmarried that’s not exactly the question..:))
Let me tell you this, I feel pity for guys who have to go through this process, they feel stressed out!...especially if they have a busy (arranged) schedule..:)))
I'm puzzled as to why you only thought it existed once you came to Doha.
Happens in India, Pakistan, China, Japan, Thailand, All of the Middle East, and I'm sure other countries.
My Japanese friend's parents had an arranged marriage and she said they're happy.
Arranged marriages can work.
(Although I'd prefer to choose who I want to get nagged by :P)
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herne the guy and the gal have a say..its not xactly forced...other than for a few rural areas this practice cant be classified as a forced issu
why dont u think of it in this way..its al the more xciting cos u dont knw anything abt the person and get to knw him/her and dat in itself is a new experience
You are suppose to fall in lov and then marry while its the other way round i.e u marry and then try to fall in love.
Usually its the mother and sisters of the man who look for their future daughter/sister in law. Since they know the habbits and likes /dislikes of their son/bro they have a better chance of finding someone suitable for him. They ask for the consent of the son before finally saying yes.Similarly the same goes for the girls side.Therefore it is not unusual that mums eye propective daughter and son in laws from amongst their relatives and friends. Hope it helps.
The situations of arranged marriages I have witnessed:
People(not necessarily parents) hook up two persons that are WILLING to marry. If there is a vibe between them and they both agree to marry...well, we have a wedding. I have also seen situations where there was no vibe between the two and both went apart...no harm,no foul.
"We cannot control the negative atmosphere of the world, but we can control the atmosphere of our minds"
Mine is an arranged marriage and no it was not forced on me in any manner. India is country of one billion + population and to my knowledge almost 60-70% of marriages are arranged. And again to my knowledge the divorce rate in India is the lowest in the world (I don't know the exact figures). In India marriage is not between two individuals, it is more between a marriage of two families.
Every marriage has its share of adjustments, whether its an arranged or love marriage.
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It depends on the people and how you view marriage. Many people are very happy in arranged marriages, others aren't. Although it is not uncommon for someone to be forced into marriage, I think the majority aren't and choose to marry someone chosen for them.
"I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
Click on edit n edit the title
There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side
sorry, I typed the title wrong: arranged!