Mixed Race Relationships??? - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly?

having a relationship to a different race can be fun, you get to learn their culture and its a challenge on how you handle the relationship. but if both have an open mind and respect each other, it wont be too difficult to start with.

but as time goes on, you would sense that there are a lot of things that clash between each other. what is annoying is that it is the woman who always understand just to keep the relationship at work. i dont know if there are guys who disagree with me.

another thing would be family matters.his/her family can be a major issue. if one is brave enough to fight for your relatiosnhip, there is a positive light. choosing between your family and lover would be another topic.

i just came from this type of relationship, and it didnt work...but looking back there are no regrets. it was my choice. and there is no perfect relationship even if it is with the same race.

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.  ~Charles Schulz

you hit the nail right on the hear mr paul-hear ye hear ye he is so so correct 

life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......

themselves that you fall in love with, not from where they are from !

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Mixed marriages sometime works. I was married for 18 years from my Ex husband, until when my very understanding mom- in-law died, my sis-in-laws began to interfere in our marriage . So maybe if we did not stay with his family maybe we did not come up to divorce. But we are still good friends for the sake of our children.

"There's nothing we can do to change the past, if it teaches  you a lesson profit from it then, forget it."

Is it 80's british Oryx?????

I usually like a good civilised debate, as I believe that it can help people from different cultures understand eachother's opinions and points of view.

But... sometimes, after a good debate, you feel exhausted and want someone to just pat you on the back and tell you white lies, like "everything has it's own way of working itself out!"

It's been enlightening and extremely informative, however, after reading all the recent posts, I now have a headache and RSI (repetitive strain injury)!

Thanks for all the constructive comments!

mixed relationships:

you have to learn to tolerate...

eating habits (mine ketchup and marmite)

dodgy music tastes....... if you guys could hear the music I am suffering now you would be falling off your chairs laughing.

i am going for a walk ;)

boy has this conversation diverted from mixed marriages,,,,,

I coughed in a queue once and this very well educated and young Qatari said, 'she wonders why she is not being served when she was here first'

Wow! he then taught me to say 'I am invisible' in Arabic! LOL

sorry to hijack

anyway there are plenty of sucessful mixed relationships.... it is about getting needs fufilled and realising potential.....

I need someone who is kind and loving and looks good in shorts...

however in a mixed relationship it is hard to separate these two factors:

a) behaviour based on individuality

b) behaviour based on uprbringing

nature vs nuture.....

and this can get confusing.

just like you Alexa about this pet peeves :

someone call me 'baby'. He or she not married to my mother / father. To me the only one who can call me 'baby' only my parents lol.  

spittin is just gross ... Back on our past life in Singapore we ate in the non tourist food court and half way eating there was a chinese looking uncle that spat on the floor next to our table. We just cant continue our meal and walk away ... yuck. 

ha ha ha Alexa.. I have to say I secretly admire your sarcasm as well. LOL oops its not a secret anymore..

symsat I agree with you... lets not go off and debate.. and get off topic..

such a lovely discussion

I love the cat pictures...thanks

Alexa i read your posts... you clearly stated that a behaviour was a pet peeve not the person....

my pet peeves:

spitting

not queuing

cool down pals. Its weekend and when you go to bed, makesure you have some cheers and a smile on your face when you are about to fall asleap.

multicultural:

Gypsy - i agree for me it is a class thing... core values prevail along with family support.

mixed religion has never mattered to me as long as we have similar morals.

oh and he must look good in shorts ;) so that transcends religion too!

but i am ignorant because I have never seriously dated my own race - so i know no other however i have learnt about different religions!

you mean I am a pet peeve of yours Alexa! oh gosh.. I never considered myself a pet.. I guess my father would be quite offended by that!

 Dont switch it off

Cool Guy !!!!!

Just had a nice long read through this and I'm noticing a trend.  All of the people in happy mixed marriages seem to say this:

Yes we are from different cultures, BUT, we either A) believe strongly in religion (be they same or different) or  don't believe in religion B) have families that support them, or have come to support them or have no contact and have cut their families out of their lives and C) have similar core values, Ie: economic priorites and expectations, familal priorities and expectations. 

My guess is these couples also probably came from a similar upbringing even if worlds apart, ie: Middle Class/lower class or upper class in their respective towns, or grew up in cities or small towns.

I think the old adage Opposites attract may be true but I don't think Opposities stay together.    At the end of the day the couples that make it are the ones with the same core values and I think core values are more often defined by education and economic standing then religion or culture. 

The thing is, and this is changing rapidly, most people will find that the ones they share core values with are still their own race (because of economic and educational advantages and disadvantages that are available to them both).  However as places like Britain, Canada, US and Australia become more and more multi racial you will find that many more people, who may be of a different culture then you, will still share your core values.

So QT I don't think you're having not found someone is preciscely the fault of being in inter-racial relationships, just that you haven't found your match yet.   I doubt you would have any more luck if you went to Vietnam, in fact, I think you'd find you have nothing in common with them at all.

"I am not a pretty girl, that is not what I do, I ain't no damsel in distress and I don't need to be rescued. So put me down punk, I'm not a maiden fair, maybe there's a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere." Ani Difranco

What context Alexa?????

I don't think he meant that in any context dear! But not everyone understand different types of humour now do they!

I was thinking that the kitty might have skizophrenia! LOL So cute and cuddly.. but can get crazy on ya! lol lol

right now I'm really weary of this constant islam -v- christianity thing.  If I sounded fed up, it's cos I am.

I don't think I attacked you personally and can't see how you saw it that way.

I don't need the quran quoted at me anymore than you want the bible quoted at you.  That was all I was meaning.

Life is too short.

I'm sorry guys.. but that cat pic is hilarious..... Is anyone cracking up at that picture????

ha ha ha

I was discussing the issue QT put to us.

I didn't need to quote from the Bible to explain a personal issue.

Islam does NOT have the answer to everyone's problems.   Please don't be so shallow as to think that.

I heard a quote today, it went something like:  The crises of the world are easy to live with, it's the day to day ones in our lives that are the most difficult to cope with.

I don't have the quote right, but I hope it was close.

the title of the thread is:

Mixed Race Relationships

OK!

Too much to raed all the posts above but here are my views;

In my Utopia, same rece marriage would be discouraged, resulting in mixed race children all over the place.

And therefore, in a few generations there could be no racism.

I would love for my children to marry into another race, or at least have the opportunity to do so, this is one of the reasons I am bringing them to Qatar, to broaden their horizons.

And being British, I am a result of countless years of inter racial couplings as all Brits are.

To my knowlege I have German, Spnish, Italian, Scottish, Welsh and Manx blood in me.

And as for parents spoiling things, is it not natural to flee the nest when you come of age?

You can always visit.

I would go beserk if one of my kids told me they had turned down an opportunity to stay with me out of guilt.

  Call me Maninibat!

Both my parents are Vietnamese although from different cities and totally different worlds.  I came to England when I was under 2, nearly 3 decades ago.

Unfortunately, or fortunately they are now separated (I prefer to say fortunately as I saw first hand the destruction of a once great and happy family through bitter fighting) 

I also believe that emotional blackmail and the use of the children at any cost to hurt the other is dispicable and immoral (once again as I witness it first hand).

I have two older brothers, both muslim, one of which is happily married to his pakistani wife and the other a vietnamese girl from Vietnam that he treats as his slave, and not his wife (I don't speak to him anymore).

After my parents split some 13 years ago, I raised 3 of my younger siblings (and did a damn good job, if I don't mind saying so).

My beautiful baby sister (she will always be my baby sister although she was 23 last month) has been with her first and only boyfriend (they are planning to get married at some point) for 5 years, an UK born Indian, to whom his parent have not, and is likely to never accept her, as she is not Indian and of a specific caste (also she's too educated, the mother in law wants a slave at home whereas she is a civil engineer and he's a mechanical engineer).

So in my own family, one mixed marriage has worked, one same race marriage is a prison for my sis-in-law to which I don't approve (although believe no-one should come between a man and his wife) and my sister's relationship with her boyfriend, well, I believe such a bright, caring and beautiful girl deserves to be accepted and appreciated by the in-laws as I believe that she is better than that!

That's why I posted this topic, although I made references about myself.

Enough Info Jauntie?

I had wondered why you were asking this question about how mixed marriages may or may not work and now you have explained how the situations have touched on your own life.  

You know, it isn't just to do with Eastern cultures when parents and elders come into play.

Some of us had to put up with Western cultures (I'm English) and my family wouldn't let me tell my Mother I got divorced from my first husband - I was very close to my Mother, but my older Bro and Sis forbade me to tell her, so when I then married the 'love of my life' I wasn't allowed to invite my Mother to the wedding.  I was 30 years old and too dutiful to cross the line.

Isn't that sad.   I would behave very differently now, some decades later, and tell them to mind their own business, but at the time I toed the line - I so wish I hadn't.

lol Qt pride is looking down on others! Not being happy for the blessings you have :)

As you can probably tell, I'm very proud of my younger siblings, especially my sister!

(and please, nobody start on pride being a sin please)

That was extremely interesting QT. And mashAllah how you learned from your experiences around you is even more fascinating.

May God help your sis in law and brother inshAllah alahumma ameen.

And help your sister fit in with her Indian family. I know how hard it is.. but it can be done and one can learn techniques to make them like her. Its just a matter of infiltrating the culture a bit.

God bless you for an open mind!

you said you are British (vietnamese born).

Were both your parents Vietnamese?  And how long have you lived in Britain?   Only ask cos it may explain your question posed on this thread about mixed marriages and how you, yourself, view them.

I agree this does happens, however I've seen too many instances where this is not the aim.

Often, two people fall in love from different backgrounds and it completely destroys them knowing their parent would never accept.

Are these people just plain selfish?  Why go into the relationship in the first place?  Aren't we humans and not animals, can't we control our urges and feelings for the sake of respecting and honouring our parents?

(Not my view, just a thought)

Could it sometimes be a rebellious streak in those who KNOW their parents would be opposed to a 'mixed' marriage?  Bearing in mind the age of the people who may be the more likely to rebel against their upbringing aka late teens/early 20s.   A time for cutting ones teeth in society, so to speak.

But as intelligent individuals, i.e. ones that can see trouble coming, if we know that our parents are closed minded (hyperthetical, as my father isn't), why do we enter mixed realtionships knowing that in the end we are going to cause unmeasurable pain and suffering to one or both parties, ultimately forcing one, or both parties to exit our lifes?

when I did that - albeit a brief comment on the good, the bad etc

Do you then think a mixed cultural/religions relationship would work?

i.e. take out the opposition/guilt making factor ...

The good:  two people fall in love

The bad: parental interference

The ugly: couple either lose each other cos of The bad, or lose their families cos they oppose The bad

In all the major religions, it teaches you to respect and honour your parents.

How does this work if they are against your relationship?

abu American.. you think you had it bad.. Trying having 2 people you call mom.. One white/pro jewish/born again christian with a ex stepfather who is a nazi..

the other 2adopted" mom being african american who loved me like a daughter, christian and expected me to marry someone who is african american or at least juice them while I was young. LOL

And have to juggle the two between a over possessive Indian mother in law who thinks the world revolves around her son. :) And that a daughter in law belongs to the husbands family.

Talk about craziness!

In the end I ended up with a bearded (by three finger lengths muslim) who if he wasn't brown then you would think he was white with his "english" personality.   Although very jolly and cheerful and incredibly astute :).  And we feel good about the jihaad (struggle) through life because we have each other and the same Islaamic goals in life.  Yet we are completely different in almost every way.. personality wise.  And thank god he is such a diplo who can put up with my ghetto fab. ways ;)

nothing wrong with inter racial relationships

but intra racial relationships make things simpler...

especially when the going gets tough

because both the partners get each other better

and also the extended family is more supportive

to sum it up...

Intra racial relationships weather tough times better than inter racial relationships

Having said that... human beings make relationships and some people can make it through the toughest of times regardless of race...

I thank you for posting and congratulate you on holding your marriage together through what must have been difficult times.  I ofcourse don't agree with some of your comments (but respect your opinion) but that's for the religious sections and so I will leave them for another day, and another section.

Your views and opinions to this thread are greatly appreciated.  

Well I didn't want to comment before because I thought it is a very personal issue.

I agree with all of what the posters have said above. I have lived in a multi cultural society and atmosphere since the day I was born. I am mixed myself with at least 3 different nationalities. All of which are very strong in my life.

I found within my own parents that difference of culture was a big problem. but also because at times they were not good people to each other and did not respect the other as they should.

My husband and I are multi cultural and even at a time I almost left Islam (which the sin for it is death as you may know) he was very supportive, understanding and sincere with me. I never felt threatened by him in any way.  Although I don't think the marriage would have lasted had I completely left my faith at that time nor if I had never almost finished my doubts about Islam. (but I understand that because this is something he believes in very strongly.. just as being sincere to myself is something I am strong about)

My husbands mother has a very gujrati Indian mentality. She is in her 70's and although educated I would classify her as very very villagy.  My husband is british, extremely reserved and holds on to the Indian ideals of no cursing. Which was very hard for me because I came from a cursing background.

Still with his patience and understanding.. and my patience and understanding we have developed a great relationship. Which I believe is because we share the same goals and ideals in life. And we both realize we are from different backgrounds and relish finding out something new about each other everyday. It keeps the spice in the marriage.

Personally I think having multicultural marriages is very difficult in general for people who may not be as open minded and understanding as yourself. If a muslim asks me to find a white girl for them I usually respond with saying you should marry someone who comes from a similar background and mentality. 

Having said that, for those who are understanding of each other and share the same ideals in general then I think life can be extremely rewarding and a wonderful experience. As long as both parties are willing to keep the rights of the other person and not push their own personal beliefs down each others throat.

The trickiest part of such marriages really is raising the children. And I think this is where the couple needs alot of similarities or the willingness to accept each others opinons and way of raising the children. 

Marriage is something that needs to be worked on together. 1 person cannot do it all alone!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.  I'll make a long comment on this thread in due course.  Just waiting for a few more posts.

Comprimise is the first word in any relationship married or not

starts with making place for another person living and sharing your space in all senses .....

None the less thought this was to help u out in some way not start a turmoil....

Maybe we should go for a drink and have this discussion else where with a group of people ... tsk tsk ..

Some intersting debate going on.

Xena - Thanks for the post.  I've had problems with family interference before, on boths sides, all the best for this relationship.

Louet, Nadt - Religion is a big part of many peoples lives, those that are non-practising seem to be mentioned here a lot, so does the word compromise.

FInally, I'd like to see a few comments from a few of the practicing religious people out there, from any/all faiths if possible.  I see you haven't been too vocal in this debate (I should be careful of what I wish for, I know!)

interesting topic you have started

i come from a conservative catholic indian household.... although the rebel in me has turned me the opposite direction and my husband is belgian , his family being very open minded..

cultures do clash.. ideas do clash... but thats just what they are...as long as there is a middle line that can be drawn between your extremities you can make anything work.

Raising the kids was a scary situation where instead of me preaching about religion, i had to take a step back and try and breify bring it into their lives no enforce it is the hardest part... but again choices are to be made by them at some point....

If you like a person (truly) maybe u have to take a step back on the culture part and find some reasoning ..... afterall everone is different

before, I was engaged to an Indian man... and although we were on similar wave length with most things, the cultural differences weighed out in the end... his family didn't accept me and he had to marry an indian girl.... and not matter what.. I am not about to come between a man and his family.... that would have caused us the utmost problems down the road....

My current partner is Qatari.... he is a non-practicing muslim so our religions are not an issue, however somethings he does frustrate me but I think its more about him as a man as oppoosed to his culture.... Relationships are compromise, so I have had to try and accept these things.... Fortunately, this time family is not an issue as he is not very close to them and he has been married to a westerner before.

I think that things can be overcome in mixed relationships as long as everyone is prepared to work on it... families included.... its definately not just between the two of you....

"if you don't like the heat... get out of the kitchen... but stop trying to fan the flames before you leave... it will burn you on the a** as you go through the doorway...." ME

visit www.qatarpets.org

You may be right, although I'm still technicallly only 30.

btw, I mentioned 5 different nationalities not 7-8. LOL

and my last partner was half portugese and half english so that takes care of 2 of the nationalities.  I may only be 30 but 2 of my relationship last over 5 years.

However, you're stil right!  I'm older now and don't actually jump into dating so easily anymore!

Thanks all for all the useful comments.  You've all given me the faith to keep fighter for the mixed relationship camp.

And yes, my father is a wise man!  LOL

Many Thanks 

couples/families in the world...there are millions "products", as spicemom caid, of this mixture..lol..

QT.. i think you are still single not because you have being dating gals of other nationalities than yours... you are only 31, and you mentioned at least 7-8 different nationalities that you have being dating yet... pretty fast pace, man... may it's a time to slow down.... to reflect about your priorities and goals and values, rather then just jump into any dating and to get dissapointed again and again... 

***********************

This Too Shall Pass.....

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i think mixed race/cultures can work if both parties want it to  work...and can work out the differences in their marriages. There are differences in marriages even within the same cultures so its just a matter of working things out as you go along with any marriage...

I think that inter mixed relationships become diificult is when you are religiously inclined and this makes it hard to work due to diferrences in religion. For example if you were a muslim, christian etc(practicing one), you will find a lot of differences and may clash hence someone from your own religion would make the marriage much  more easier and possibly succeed(not that this is a recipe for a perfect marriage as theres a many that dont work).

having said that i have two brothers (who are non practising muslims) who are married to to western ladies and its going strong, they had family issues in the beginning as boths girls are catholics(non practicing)but both families have learnt to get along for the sake of their marriages and their children..the couples families can be a cause for the breakdown in these marraiges.

Bottom line is i think its more about the type of person you married more than mixed race marriages and whether you are both suited to eachother...and if you can make the marraige work regardless of race and culture....

Parents are mixed Italian, Spanish, Filipino. still going strong and now married to my ideal husband a British guy very sweet and very understanding, still going strong.  life is great all together!

It's great 2 b loved!

welll I only can say from my own experience. I am married to wonderful Canadian and been with him for nearly 5 years now and so far we dont have any problem. Both family are happy and excited that we got married and dont gave us any trouble at all from both side. Thanks GOD.

And If I got the change to do all over again I will do it in heartbeat, as I always wanted marrying man from different country.

Everybody is right and Everybody is wrong, its depend where you stand

They work as well as any...

You can't teach experience...

Well, it's nice to meet you!

Oh I'm sorry for that..

"Everything in life is destiny."

Thanks for posting, but your answer aren't really giving me any food for thought! Are you being sardonic?

I'm trying to learn about how people in different cultures with extremely close proximity and interaction cope, not actually find myself a partner.

(Not yet anyway!) LOL

Ok just enjoy being single..

"Everything in life is destiny."

Dubai is cheap compared with the UK.  What about Doha prices?

cheap in Dubai?

Abu Dhabi yes Dubai no.

Spicemom has one european parent and one oriental Asian Parent.  There may be many cultural differences.

Your parents both come from SE Asia, surely they have more cultural similarities and differences.

I could be wrong, and please correct me if I am, as although I am of SE Asian origin, I was raised in the UK. 

You have a point there QT..

date Vietnames then..

"Everything in life is destiny."

yeah you're right..

I had a chinese bf before but we broke up because I'm afraid that his parents will not like me being a half-blood chinese and pinay. I can sense that he will not fight for our relationship coz his family may disinherit him..

"Everything in life is destiny."

BC - i feel loving each  other is a definately no problem there but sometimes when you have family not accepting it that is when the whole thing gets blown up. have seen many like this and the only way to go is if the couple is 'strong' and can go thru with it. it wont be easy but i guess in some cases this prob can be resolved so to speak. 

life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......

Me too spicemom...

My father is chinese and my mother is a Filipina...

mixed marriage is really ok if they love each other.

"Everything in life is destiny."

i am a product of a mixed marriage (mom-malaysian, dad- portueguese , spanish) so much so as a child i used to be called the 'mixed breed'. am fortunate that i am able to get the best of both worlds.hence i am married to a wonderful man fr the same country but of a different race as i am(again a mix of 2 diff cultures)to some ppl it may be diff but for us we are blessed as we will be celebrating our 18th ann soon.,my 3 other siblings too are married to ppl of a diff race and diff country and are very happy. each ppl go thru it differently be it smooth sailing or otherwise.

life's too short so make the most of it, you only live but once.......

Thanks QT....yes both families accepting......no negatives at all.

It has bee difficult and my ...hopefully new wife......has had to put up with a lot from me.....i was with wife 30 years then she decides to leave me......not her choice....i got a bit, dont know how to say, but was a bit disoriented for awhile then get offer to work here.

As i said met many ladies here but have settled on this one.....who knows what is going to happen but she worth it. Dont get me wrong...different cultures can be difficult. but also good.......it needs work thats all.

Take care always

Aren't Taxis in Qatar cheap.  They are here in Dubai.

You should never need to drive on a night out.

I'm sorry for your loss.  I really hope it works out for you and your partner.

I think you've made a great point.  If you're both a willing to find middle ground, that's a start.

But what about each other's families.  Are they accepting?

Good Luck and all the best.

Thanks for posting!

 I could consume moderately distilled spirits as long I don't have to freaking drive at all or work next day. The Red Pope of Qatar Living

This is an interesting topic for me....I was married....wife died....I come to Doha, fed up and loneley, met many woman, none British but now settled with a lady and now thiniking of proposing marriage.

She is african am Scottish, our cultures clash hugeley, but I think it is worth it......my post not really help in the original question....but what i am trying to say is why culture should make things different....i accept her way of life and she accepts mine.....and somwhere in the middle we meet.....hope this makes sense....look forward to a response......take care always....life too short!!

I reckon you'd be great fun as a drinking buddy!

Wise words! and funny!

 There is a story about the Greek Gods. They were bored, so they invented "Human Beings", but they were still bored, so they invented "Love".  Then they weren't bored any longer, so they decided to try love for themselves and finally they invented "laughter", so they could stand it.  Mix Marriages Sometimes in our life's, we fear or just don't understand what is waiting for us, in the other side of the bridge.  Until we cross that bridge. Then we deal with the unknown, the challenges, the pain and the test of both patience. Without Love there is no success. The Red Pope of Qatar Living

I have so much time on my hands at the moment, and using this time to research Doha and Qatar before my move.

Obviously that's what I'm doing now.  Researching!  LOL

Yeah, I may only be 30, but I look 40, feel like I'm 50 an act like I'm 60.  LOL

Trust me, I feel tired already!

Always a pleasure to have your input PM!  

Don't you often find that when you find a open-minded person, they have very closed-minded families?  Is it fair to make them choose? or even put them in a predicament where choice of one or the other is inevitable?

Doesn't it pain you to always be at the forefront of change?  Don't you often feel that you're fighting the ideas of the great masses and banging your head against a brick wall? 

Guess everyone's asleep now!