alma, drmana is right. such persons dont do things on purpose. they need treatment for their mental disturbances. i dont know if conventional english medical science is good enough for treating such people but i have tried many such cases online and have got good feedback from their spouses. if you believe in alternative healing treatment methods, tell me and i will suggest something.
Hi Kavkish, though it took me a while to realise it,yes ive finally waken up from that nightmare. Yes, he was crying and saying sorry hundred times and promised it wont happen again...but it did..
Now cheer up and see a beautiful life ahead...ok..No need to look into the past..If you wanna lighten up ur mood, you'r most welcome on QL...say CHEESE NOW !!
alma, take it easy...life is full of colours ahead..forget your past..if you continue doing the same, your life would be more miserable and it will affect your health...
alma, forget your past and move on in life. If he is showing kindness, may be he wants to apologise. Take it in good stride and try to forgive. But keep a safe distance.
About his GF, I understand that you are concerned. If you know that girl, you may warn her softly but without interfering in their relationship. May be few hints would do. But please, move on in life and try to leave past behind. Do not look back. It will only hurt.
yes soniya, i think i will do that. instead of thinking their/her/his future, i should think mine first. just cant forget the experience til this time coz it is really scary...just cant believe myself that i let him to do it more than once... :(
Talk to each other without any egos and headgear. I strongly belive that abusive charector can be changed, do remember, may be you are also one of the reason for
soniya, yes im finally out of that relationship, after so many chances it all went to waste. next one, meaning his next gf. yes, im a bit concern about the next gf, because just like me, she has no clue that he can turn into a monster...
You seems to be quite educated and mature person, can't you just think about yourself for the time being?? And if at all, you don't want his GF to suffer, call her and tell her about your horrible past that you'd lived with the MONSTER..
soniya, yes im finally out, after so many chances that i gave him it all went to waste. yes, im a bit concern about the next girlfriend...because just like me, she has no clue that he can turn into a monster.
Alma is almost over with her life..If she will keep on thinking about his EX's every move like whether he is sleeping or not or whether he is torturing his future wife/gf, alma will never be able to lead a normal life..
Get a life now..If everything is over, it's none of her business to think about his EX's future life...
soniya, yes im finally out, after so many chances that i gave him it all went to waste. yes, im a bit concern about the next girlfriend...because just like me, she has no clue that he can turn into a monster.
Alma is almost over with her life..If she will keep on thinking about his EX's every move like whether he is sleeping or not or whether he is torturing his future wife/gf, alma will never be able to lead a normal life..
Get a life now..If everything is over, it's none of her business to think about his EX's future life...
soniya, yes im finally out, after so many chances that i gave him it all went to waste. yes, im a bit concern about the next girlfriend...because just like me, she has no clue that he can turn into a monster.
Alma is almost over with her life..If she will keep on thinking about his EX's every move like whether he is sleeping or not or whether he is torturing his future wife/gf, alma will never be able to lead a normal life..
Get a life now..If everything is over, it's none of her business to think about his EX's future life...
@Alma... Talk with ur close friends, esp Girl friends... Its better to let it all out rather than keeping it with u, as u have courageously done today, albeit online, but still...
Exactly my thought tinker...why the hell ALMA needs to think about his EX future GF/WIFE?? just move ahead with ur life...Thats it...Let her EX to live in a HELL forever..Why does she wants to care about him who has tortured and abused her in all these yrs???
If u are in a new relationship, don't be too judgemental on him... He wud be different than Guy No. 1 in many ways...
To know a person, it takes time...Go with the flow... Follow your senses... take ur time... don't just go into another relationship coz u just ended one (i.e. a 'rebound')...
In short, enjoy ur time with the new person BUT give urself time before committing whole heartedly.
tinker I believe in the basic goodness of people and yes I will give another chance. Of course there can not be a third, fourth or fifth chance but there should atleast be a second chance.
alma, may be others have got it right but i am cofused with your this statement " what about his next one?"...what does it mean? are you concerned about his next GF/WIFE???
alma, you said that "you are finally out!"..so does it mean that you have ended the relationship with him?? If yes, why are you worried then?? Let him allow to live the life of HELL by himself...
alma, we can't discuss the chances here as we don't know the extent/type of abuse and the problem of the abuser itself. But if not helped, they continue mostly. Many say the problem lies in troubled childhood of the abuser and so by healing those scars of his via counselling, he may be treated. But one can never be so sure. Also, the abuser would rarely seek help by them selves.
to be honest with all of you guys, been in that situation a bit long, but im finally out! now what will happen with his next one? is there a tendency that he will do the same thing though he is showing some kindness now?
If the abuse is a one off thing, totally out of character, and borne from a highly charged, stressful situation, then there is a very realistic chance, that it will only happen the once.
However, if this has been a recurring theme, then, I am afraid, you will never change the person.
Should be noted, it is not solely the domain of males. Abuse can also come from females, and is also very common, just not reported.
alma, that is how it continues....they abuse, regret, say sorry, won't do etc....can't control, abuse and the cycle continues. They need help but first thing, protect yourself. Seek help before its too late.
What are you thinking much?? have u tried kicking his A55?? These kind of people are actually of sick mentality...Their nature won't get change even after 100 of counsellings...Better run far away from such PSYCHOS..
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alma,check your pm.
yes, am still emotional at times...but i will through it...thanks kavkish.
rishimba,the problem is he's on DENIAL.he always blame me for his actions and reactions and as i said he's out of my life now...
Alma,
Its never too late.
Take courage. At times you may get emotional...
Keep yourself strong and fight it out. I know how difficult it is. I lived with it for over 10 years.
I am glad I am out of it now.
alma, drmana is right. such persons dont do things on purpose. they need treatment for their mental disturbances. i dont know if conventional english medical science is good enough for treating such people but i have tried many such cases online and have got good feedback from their spouses. if you believe in alternative healing treatment methods, tell me and i will suggest something.
Hi Kavkish, though it took me a while to realise it,yes ive finally waken up from that nightmare. Yes, he was crying and saying sorry hundred times and promised it wont happen again...but it did..
alma were we dating by any chance, it sounds like me :P
J/K
IMO, "IF" it ever happens to me, once he does it to me, never again.. he's out of my life...
Hi Alma,
I have gone thru it all.
They never change. Although they say sorry and cry saying it will never happen.....
It's a sickness without a cure.
Get out of it as I did before it is too late.
Life is beautiful. Don't waste it on useless people.
All the best.
People like these don't change. The best way to foresee their future actions is to see their past actions.
More power to you!
alma even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.
thanks tinker, it still hurts..but im on my way of moving forward and not look back anymore...
alma..why are u thinking to change others......even God can't do that......leave them leave their own ways even u feel as abusive.....
i have been in a lovely relationship, ended up in quite calm atmosphere... no more argue's...:)
is jealous or possessive toward you
Now cheer up and see a beautiful life ahead...ok..No need to look into the past..If you wanna lighten up ur mood, you'r most welcome on QL...say CHEESE NOW !!
thank you all guys for your insights and advices, appreciate it!
thank you all guys for your insights and advices, appreciate it!
alma, take it easy...life is full of colours ahead..forget your past..if you continue doing the same, your life would be more miserable and it will affect your health...
alma, forget your past and move on in life. If he is showing kindness, may be he wants to apologise. Take it in good stride and try to forgive. But keep a safe distance.
About his GF, I understand that you are concerned. If you know that girl, you may warn her softly but without interfering in their relationship. May be few hints would do. But please, move on in life and try to leave past behind. Do not look back. It will only hurt.
yes soniya, i think i will do that. instead of thinking their/her/his future, i should think mine first. just cant forget the experience til this time coz it is really scary...just cant believe myself that i let him to do it more than once... :(
Talk to each other without any egos and headgear. I strongly belive that abusive charector can be changed, do remember, may be you are also one of the reason for
tolerating....
drmana, that is right....been there and yes it is difficult to be in that situation especially when you already fall for this guy.
soniya, yes im finally out of that relationship, after so many chances it all went to waste. next one, meaning his next gf. yes, im a bit concern about the next gf, because just like me, she has no clue that he can turn into a monster...
You seems to be quite educated and mature person, can't you just think about yourself for the time being?? And if at all, you don't want his GF to suffer, call her and tell her about your horrible past that you'd lived with the MONSTER..
I guess its nt a good idea.. let her live her life away from that moron who abused her... the farther she is from him, the better...
You never know, coz the gal might tell that guy what Alma told her...may lead to an unpleasant situation...
alma, just call his PRESENT GF then...it's so simple..
soniya, yes im finally out, after so many chances that i gave him it all went to waste. yes, im a bit concern about the next girlfriend...because just like me, she has no clue that he can turn into a monster.
Alma is almost over with her life..If she will keep on thinking about his EX's every move like whether he is sleeping or not or whether he is torturing his future wife/gf, alma will never be able to lead a normal life..
Get a life now..If everything is over, it's none of her business to think about his EX's future life...
soniya, yes im finally out, after so many chances that i gave him it all went to waste. yes, im a bit concern about the next girlfriend...because just like me, she has no clue that he can turn into a monster.
Alma is almost over with her life..If she will keep on thinking about his EX's every move like whether he is sleeping or not or whether he is torturing his future wife/gf, alma will never be able to lead a normal life..
Get a life now..If everything is over, it's none of her business to think about his EX's future life...
soniya, yes im finally out, after so many chances that i gave him it all went to waste. yes, im a bit concern about the next girlfriend...because just like me, she has no clue that he can turn into a monster.
Alma is almost over with her life..If she will keep on thinking about his EX's every move like whether he is sleeping or not or whether he is torturing his future wife/gf, alma will never be able to lead a normal life..
Get a life now..If everything is over, it's none of her business to think about his EX's future life...
thanks...
@Alma... Talk with ur close friends, esp Girl friends... Its better to let it all out rather than keeping it with u, as u have courageously done today, albeit online, but still...
@drmana, true..
She cares because she doesn't want someone else to go through the same ordeal. That's a genuine concern.
Exactly my thought tinker...why the hell ALMA needs to think about his EX future GF/WIFE?? just move ahead with ur life...Thats it...Let her EX to live in a HELL forever..Why does she wants to care about him who has tortured and abused her in all these yrs???
If u are in a new relationship, don't be too judgemental on him... He wud be different than Guy No. 1 in many ways...
To know a person, it takes time...Go with the flow... Follow your senses... take ur time... don't just go into another relationship coz u just ended one (i.e. a 'rebound')...
In short, enjoy ur time with the new person BUT give urself time before committing whole heartedly.
tinker, did u understand what does ALMA meant by "what about his next one?"..i am still looking for her answer so that i could reply her..;)))
WK that second chance could most likely be her last. The majority of women who are murdered are murdered by their abusive partners.
You know, sometimes, its good to say all this..But the psyche of the person is different too..
I am all for second chances, but to give a second chance, the person needs to be mentally prepared for it... only then can it be relevant...
tinker I believe in the basic goodness of people and yes I will give another chance. Of course there can not be a third, fourth or fifth chance but there should atleast be a second chance.
alma, may be others have got it right but i am cofused with your this statement " what about his next one?"...what does it mean? are you concerned about his next GF/WIFE???
WK, its not that easy for an abuse victim. Abuse leaves deep mental scars far worse than physical ones.
alma, you said that "you are finally out!"..so does it mean that you have ended the relationship with him?? If yes, why are you worried then?? Let him allow to live the life of HELL by himself...
I would suspect that unless he's sought help (and even then) it's only a matter of time before he starts abusing his current girlfriend/wife.
alma I believe in second chances. Maybe he is really sorry, give it one more shot.
alma, we can't discuss the chances here as we don't know the extent/type of abuse and the problem of the abuser itself. But if not helped, they continue mostly. Many say the problem lies in troubled childhood of the abuser and so by healing those scars of his via counselling, he may be treated. But one can never be so sure. Also, the abuser would rarely seek help by them selves.
to be honest with all of you guys, been in that situation a bit long, but im finally out! now what will happen with his next one? is there a tendency that he will do the same thing though he is showing some kindness now?
Help, as in professional help... better always to seek a counsellor...
that is because, people will always give 'general' advice rather than the advice actually required for the 2 people... no two couples are the same....
Get professional help... If the other person in ur life values ur relationship with them, I'm sure they will agree to go through it
If the abuse is a one off thing, totally out of character, and borne from a highly charged, stressful situation, then there is a very realistic chance, that it will only happen the once.
However, if this has been a recurring theme, then, I am afraid, you will never change the person.
Should be noted, it is not solely the domain of males. Abuse can also come from females, and is also very common, just not reported.
thy never change...
what are the chances that he will do it again with his next relationship?
alma, that is how it continues....they abuse, regret, say sorry, won't do etc....can't control, abuse and the cycle continues. They need help but first thing, protect yourself. Seek help before its too late.
Exactly speedy..
No he won't change. It will only get worse as he realizes that you won't leave him and he has control over you. You need to leave.
And even if the other person says, 'he/she will never do it again', it ultimately does happen again... Its mostly to do with fear rather than love...
even if that person promised that he will never do it again?
What are you thinking much?? have u tried kicking his A55?? These kind of people are actually of sick mentality...Their nature won't get change even after 100 of counsellings...Better run far away from such PSYCHOS..
no chance to change if you keep on tolerating!
Abusive personality.....very difficult to change, unless they get proper treatment and/or counselling.