Jokes....

lady applicant :doc Iam a nurse and I would like to apply for a job

doc: do you have any experience?

Lady applicant: i have little with patients but a lot with doc

doc: you're hired!!!

Computers have lots of memory but no imagination.

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.

"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"Gee, you're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."

Computers have lots of memory but no imagination.

After introducing the Google Video which allows user to search closed captioning for text and screen images from TV shows, what is google planning next ?

1. Launch "Google Good Men" as good men are hard to find.

2. Build world-class headquartoogles.

3. Enter beta-testing for google apartments, which will let users search for shoes, wallets and keys.

4. Patent the idea of looking for something.

5. Occasionally shut down so people will stop taking them for granted.

6. Add "I am feeling Lonely, Miserable and Unlucky" button on homepage

7. Introdue service that allows user to find out how many eggs are left in their fridge with a single keystroke.

8. Finally get around to making back up disks for everything.

Last week, McDonals announced that they will fry their french fries in low-fat oil. Here are a few other changes that are on the way :

1. Phasing out lead-based shakes.

2. Cashiers empowered to cut customers off when they have had enough.

3. Discontinuing "the thing we Mcfound" menu item.

4. Playland ball pit no longer filled with stale burger buns.

5. Thinner straws in shakes.

6. Beef upgraded from D to D+

6. Requiring line cooks to gargle with disinfectants before spitting on the food.

7. Chain to change name to "Vibrant Gardens Healthetaria"

8. No longer serving McDonals food.

What is the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

North Korea said its willing to freeze its nuclear program in exchange for concessions from the U.S. The following are their demands :

1. To keep one nuclear weapon as a momento.

2. Kim Jong Il to replace FDR on american dimes.

3. Some of those food packets those iraqis are living off.

4. Eisner to be fired as Disney CEO.

5. To be treated as if they weren't an oppressive, abusive regime.

6. To keep their nukes just until the north korean mind control technology comes online.

7. The lovely Jenna Bush to be offered as a wife to Kim Jong Il.

8. Something to eat besides pickled cabbage.

9. Right to restart nuclear progam anytime in the future if they want international attention again.

New Anti-Terrorism Strategy

The White House recently released an updated version of its anti-terrorism strategy, "National Strategy For Combating Terrorism." Here are its main new components:

Setting up decoy "pro-terrorism centers" around nation to capture terrorists

Staging, foiling series of attacks

Ignoring terrorists so they get frustrated and go away

Introducing new slogan: "If you see, hear, feel, smell, or taste something, say something"

Holding all Americans until they feel safe again

Increasing national wait times

Allocating $1.2 trillion for development of terror-seeking missiles

Stopping terrorism for real this time

Nescafe approached the Pope and offered to donate £100,000,000 to the church if he would amend the Lord's prayer to "Give us this day our daily coffee".

The Pope wouldn't agree and threw them out.

Nescafe tried again, this time offering to donate £300,000,000 if he changed the Lord's prayer. The Pope through them out again.

A third approach by Nescafe was delivered by the top man. He offered £500,000,000 pounds if the Pope would change the Lords Prayer. He said to the Pope "that is half a bilion quid, surely you cannot turn that amount down".

The Pope called a meeting of the Cardinals and said.

I have good news, the church will soon receive £500,000,000.

The bad news is that we will lose the Hovis account.

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

"Of likes and dislikes, there should be no disputing... Live and let live!"

A chinese guy took his pregnant wife to the hospital....

the wife however gave birth to a black baby. The chinese man who was shoked named him.....SOM TIN WONG

Last night i dreamt about you.....

I saw that were both getting married on the same day...

ur wife was beautiful but mine is not

I asked God...

why it is so???

God replied...

Balance of nature

Last night i dreamt about you.....

I saw that were both getting married on the same day...

ur wife was beautiful but mine is not

I asked God...

why it is so???

God replied...

Balance of nature

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?

For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ!

A blonde was in court charged with parking her car in a restricted area.

The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.

"They should not put up such misleading notices,"said the Blonde."

It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

Cinderella is getting ready to go out on a date.

Her wicked stepmother tells her that she has to be home by midnight or her vagina will turn into a pumpkin.

Cinderella goes out and doesn't return until 3:20am.

The next morning the wicked stepmother says to Cinderella

"Okay smarty pants, what did the Prince say when your vagina turned into a pumpkin."

Cinderella said, "I didn't go out with the Prince,

I went out with Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater!"

good one :)

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi that just

happens to be passing by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie

says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all

the time. Like my coming along when you needed a taxi, things

happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There must have been times when crap happened,

surely?."

Cabbie: "Not for Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He

could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the

pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway

star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was anamazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer.

Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine,

which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could

fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street

blacks out. But Frankie Boy, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to

avoid jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But

Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat

a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her

back

even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always

immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man!

He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank

Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank.

I just married his f***ing widow."

Interviewer : We are very particular about cleanliness in this organisation. Did you wipe your feet clean on the carpet at the door ?

Applicant : Yes sir, I did.

Interviewer : We are also very particular about truthfullness in this organisation. There was no carpet at the door !!!