Christmas Cracker Jokes!
'Tis the Season to be Jolly!
Is it just the silly Brits who have the traditional 'one-liner' corny jokes/riddles in their Christmas Crackers?
Well here goes .... a thread dedicated to the ridiculous, corny, irreverent, Christmas Cracker joke/riddle.
Add your own. They have to be short enough to fit on a tiny piece of paper which comes out of a Christmas Cracker wrapped inside that ubiquitous paper hat that only Grand Dad can wear and still look normal!
I'll start you off ...
Q. What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A. A do-you-think-he-saw-us.
Get the idea?
Q. Did you hear about the man who bought a newspaper shop?
A. It blew away.
Over to QL imaginatives :D
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife did
Q. What did one rat say to other?
A. Com'on i'll show you my hole.
What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
A barber queue
When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?
The day his hand caught on fire
'Cos they chase parked cars
(No offence to the Irish - just change to the nationality of your choice) :D
What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a reliable driver
What's the similarity between freedom fighters & sanitary napkins?
Both say " You give me blood, I will give you freedom"
The fight we had last night was my fault,
Mrs Expat asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard
What is the similarity between a land cruiser & piles?
Sooner or later every ass-hole gets one or the other.
Myspace code
on the same topic..
What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?"
Stevie Wonder doing Rubik's Cube
By the way,
What does our Dracula never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...
What's called Bambi and can't see?
No idea.
What's called Bambi and has no legs and can't see?
Still no idea.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 45 lbs.
What do you say to someone who has 3 heads, no arms and only one leg?
'ello, 'ello, 'ello! You look 'armless. Hop it!
Sadly, last night, Mrs Expat and I had words.
I didn't get to use mine.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
By the way, I thought coq au vin was making love in a lorry.
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Avery
Avery who ?
Avery merry Christmas !
who has one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
gawd! lol
She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q. If your feet smell and your nose runs, what are you?
A. Built upside down.
I know but i just laughed so much with tht 1 thought id share it with u guys... Sorry !!!
I jumped into a taxi and said "King Arthur's close".
The taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
I dont think any thning tops my NUN joke :) ive been laughing like crazy after readin tht 1 !!!!
Cracker jokes are supposd to be very short.. One liners if possible..
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, “If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.”
The hippie of course says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” says the bus driver, “You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.”
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she’s in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,” he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie! ”
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”
Roses are red
Violets are bluish
If it wasn't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish
hehehehe
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
What was the centerpiece of the annual Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention?
A cake jumping out of a girl.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you?
What do you do with dead chemists?
Barium
Christmas has been cancelled..!!
Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year and
He died laughing…!!
LOL
Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!
Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
There were two biscuits, on a plate, all ready for Santa to eat. One biscuit decided to go and hide in the biscuit tin as it didn't want to get eaten. As it was going to the kitchen, Santa came in and stood on it and all the other biscuit could say was 'Crumbs'!.
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What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.
what carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
____________________________
don't throw the shoes!
otherwise, you'll get 15 :)
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
____________________________
What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend?
Ouch...
Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"
What's the difference between dark and strong?
Dark it's all the night!
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Ford
What´s the difference between a snowman and a snowoman
snowballs
just eat another pie
How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the bitch a shovel
What about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse
A: Santa Claus laughing his head off
get 100 and wait until 1 will die :0)
How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
Yell "Bingo!"
ROFL!!
cheers,
paul
What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats
A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Bar tender?"
err - where are you!
Oops your name says it all I suppose ...
err - where are you!
Speaking of Christmas, I've still got shopping to do.
See ya guys!
quite funny, actually lol
What is a chicken's favourite song?
I can be so clucky, clucky clucky clucky ...
I don't even get this one. Is it funny?
Q. What's Christmas called in England?
A. Yule Britannia! (English Christmas Humour!)
very funny!
That's a good one..:0)
I don't know whether you've got kids, but for Xmas, why not get the little girl a new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
I'm soooo pathetic! I can't stop giggling, here!
Yes, lots about animals and bars - love the one-liners :D
Oh, and, one for the kiddy within you.
Q. What has a bottom at the top?
A. A leg!
.,
A white horse walks into a bar.
Barman says: 'We've got a drink named after you'
Horse says: 'What? You have a drink called Eric?'
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?
Crisp Cringle.
Ah Jauntie, that's almost like the one my son told me the other day-
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says- We've got a drink named after you.
The grasshopper says- Why? Who would name a drink 'Bob'?
Barman says:
We don't serve food here!
Did you hear about the Aussie who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?
A deep pan crisp and even
:D
A skeleton walks into bar and says "i'd like a beer... and a mop".
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What's gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.
Groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...
A mince spy :D
OK I'm outta here lol
a carrot
OK scraping the barrel a bit on that one lol
more more
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.
Because they are Smarties in the nude.
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.
hehehehe
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' Jammin
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
What did one snowman say to the other?
"Can you smell carrots?"
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
Will check back later/tomorrow
Should have 'em rolling in the aisles by then lol
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
What does a Buddhist ask for when he orders a pizza?
Make me one with everything.
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!
What's got 12 legs and one eye
3 blind mice and half a kipper
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
Loved it!
By the way, where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the Ark?
Floodlights
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
What's pink and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas?
Your head
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
A baa baa's shop
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.
LOL.,
________________
veni, vidi, vici.
What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
I'm all ears!
_________________
veni, vidi, vici.
Why'd they call it PMS?
Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
You bump your nose on the ceiling.
_________________
veni, vidi, vici.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Yep. I've had to stop though cos I'm having problems balancing the 5th hat on top of the other 4 on my head.
tallg.....................................are you sat there opening a box of crackers
just eat another pie
What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How do you make a cat go 'Woof'?
Pour petrol on it, then light it.
What has 4 legs and says 'Aaaaa'?
A sheep with no lips.
What has 4 legs and says 'Boo'?
A cow with a cold.
What should you do if an idiot throws a pin at you?
Run, they've got a grenade in their mouth!
cheers,
paul
What's black and white and red all over ?
A nun in a blender..
Q: What's green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell on you out of a tree?
A: A snooker table.
It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)