serious advise on family matters

I am in somewhat of the same type of situation as your father. I married an Indian (british well educated and brought up in england) and my father never saw or talked to my husband and children before he passed away.

Reading your story it sounds like their may be more to the story then what your told. And in my opinion you should try to make a bridge between your two families in any way possible. As long as you are aware and able to protect yourself if faced with adversity. And remember that obeying your father is of the utmost importance in Islam.

Maryum : Umm Hasan bint Abdullah Alshabrawishi

:)))

Just be contented of what you know and accept what your parents can offer you for now. In God's time you'll know everything.

At least, you know how strong your family are despite of everything.

Lucky you for having them.... :)

You are right, of course. I agree with Britexpat that Charmed should admire the courage and committment that her parents showed.. it couldn't have been an easy decision and they have lived up to that in raising their children and standing by each other. That sort of dedication- despite the odds- is very rare these days.

This brought to mind Mr Paul's post about clash of religion and cultures in marriage.. I think we don't appreciate (even with the best will in the world) how much our actions when we are young will effect our children as they grow.

Charmed- Your father has been man enough to keep visiting his parents despite their feelings towards his wife.. and he has stood by his children. Again, that sort of man is hard to come by and shows patience and tolerance that will no doubt have been a valuable part of your upbringing. It is sad that you are in this situation but you have 2 very strong and loving parents who appear to have done their best by you. We all make mistakes and maybe they should have told you.. who knows?

I can't speak from a Muslim point of view as Asforall has so well, but I would be questioning the attitudes of your grandparents who have refused to budge.

Best of luck with everything. I'm sure you'll work out what's best for You. You sound like you have a solid head on those young shoulders.. excellent parenting I would imagine;))

Charmed_Charm,

I would like to advise you not to fall into the traditional trap of nationalism. If you are looking for your root, then it is the Muslim umah. You are our sister and we are your brothers and sisters. Allah will give you Real brothers not from your own blood. Don't forget that the prophet had his worst enemies from his own blood (Uncle and cousin). Moreover, people who are so heartless to let you down and your sisters/brothers (innocent) are not at the same level of openness as you. They will only heart you. They care about their social "standards" more than they care about their Silat Al rahm and their religion! However, don't let this sadness eat your heart and soul. You can always go visit muslim countries and incha'a Allah you will meet better people for better time.

To put it in better words "Move on"!

you mother is not real wife that is truth. no showing family not real wife. kalass. filipini always sexond 3rd or 4th wife only no first.

I just wonder why your father didn't teach you how to speak his language.

**************************

Everything happens for a

reason.

britexpat, that's what I was thinking while reading the posts..

I am not sure whether his parents aware of his “Filipina family”. Second, it looks like he might have another family in Jordan…

So.. like Alexa said, sometimes it’s better not to know the truth… Based on your words, you four ARE happy family. Your father and your mother live together for so many years and rose up two beautiful girls.. so…maybe it is better to leave everything as it is until the “right time and right place”..

...But wow.. it is really a very very hard situation, and for as young lady as yourself it’s definitely a tough experience in the beginning of your life…it might have an impact on your entire future… so...just try to take it as easy as possible, and try not to let your negative feelings forming a preconceived idea of life, of relationship and marriage…

stay strong and good luck

i have a jordanian friend of mine married to filipino lady, he asked his family to accept his wife because he is happy with her OR forget about him..now they are living happily with his family in amman.

Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did. And is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

Thank you very very much for all of your advice and ideas. Not so good comments are also appreciated, at least i can see the other side of the coin.

Maybe some of you are right. I am still young and i should take my time. I also believe there are still a lot of other things i can divert my attention to. I will consider putting all of my energies in positive ways.

Thank you all again!

May Allah bless us all!

this is kinda difficult..

religion and race seems to be a big problem in this world you know..and most of us don't know how to compromise..

your grandparents should accept you, you belong to their own flesh and blood.if they will discriminate you because of your Filipino blood, it's their lost anyway..and lastly I want you to know that you should be proud of your father, he's a man of honor..He loves you and your mom.

"I am brave, but I take a view. It is an educated view. I am careful. I am not reckless."

just wait for the right time that your parents will tell you the real deal... in God's time you will get to know everything... just be greatful that both your parents are there for you...

pretty sure until this time your mother is still hurting after all those things she'd been through... and sure enough that you dont want her to see u sad or anything..coz it will just add to the pain.. just be open to your parents and tell them that whenever they feel like telling you everything..you are far more ready to hear them...

ah, ur a girl. wanted to say lady, but that would be too much for you. and jordanians are not asians also? is jordan in europe and i didn't know?

my husband is jordanian but he's not at all ignorant as you. give yourself a slap and appologize to the girl.

applebees, you are very stupid, my man. sorry, but it's the truth. wake up if you can!

you say that not me. i just tell you other jordan people i know they think philippin people are maid or worker so why you father marry her. jordan people too proud no accept philippin. other people say the family accept them is liar. jordan people proud people no accept asian. i just telling you. why angry with me?

ask you father why oky?

As I said before, I feel for you. You have had many replies all with different ideas, some good and some not so good. The video sending is a good idea, but if your grandparents have met your older sister, they know of her/your excistence, I dont know if it would be received with the intentions that you sent it. Now that you have realized or rather said heard the tip of the iceberg, I recommend you take your time and learn the whole story. This will come little by little. Dont be impatient. You are still young and will have lots of time to do what you need to do, but wiat until you know the full story.Aisha-Taweela

not everybody can be as open-minded as i am. and i know not everybody will understand.

no worries britexpat! im open to that idea. perhaps, nobody knows about us. actually i can accept if he has other family. afterall, he is a Muslim.

all is want is for us to know the truth. i just want them to be fair to us.

Sorry to ak this, bu are you sure your father has told his family about the marriage?

If he has, then send the video with him and ask him to show it to your grndparents.

i understand your eagerness. you are still young. maybe you see things as simple as it is, yet it is complicated. when you grow up, you will realize that there are things that are better left unsaid than to hurt other people.

silent "G"

If you cant get a simple letter there, how are you going to get yourself there, and safely at that? How about cousins who may be your age? Can your Dad put you in touch with any?

labda06, your idea of letter is great. i have actually thought of that. but there are 2 things... 1st, i dont know where to send :-( i only know them by firstname. 2nd, i dont agree with it because the letter cannot reply or answer back if something goes wrong.

gypsy, my sister is the first born. she's 4 years older than me. there might have been many things that happened before that i dont know nor understand yet. and maybe my sister already can understand what was happening but the poor me is clueless. my sister said "what you dont know wont hurt you"... because of this i got the intuition that they are hiding so much more.

glecs, pardon me but i really cannot contain my enthusiasm to dig the story behind all these.

Charmed charm, I admire that you appear very strong and determined. I also admire your Dad as Im sure it wasn't easy for him to lose his family for the sake of his love. Not many people would do that. I personally like Britexpats idea of sending your grandparents a video of yourself - have a friend translate what you have to say in Arabic for you. But also understand that you cant push things especially with people who have a set mind. Take it slow, start with a letter or the video and go from there.

if that is the case, i think you should surrender your case and forget about them. you will just be hurting yourself with your actions.

and for all you know, you might be hurting your dad with what you are doing and thinking right now.

silent "G"

So your sister has met your grandparents and they didn't accept her. :S Charmed you should really prepare yourself for a similar reaction.

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applebees, thank you for your comment but it is not fair for you to say that. have you been married to filipina to say imply that they are not worth it. my mother is a professional. she is not a housemaid. and even if she was a housemaid, she still have the right to love.

t_coffee_or_me, that is what i asked of him last week. he said no. and i believe him. giving the benefit of the doubt. and he was never a bad father for us.

britexpat, thanks for your comment. i am really proud of my parents. if they didnt stand and fight for their love, we wouldnt be here. with regards to the videotape thing, i guess i should hire somebody to do subtitles. lol

and saying about my mother who will be left behind, i dont think so. she's very supportive. i know she's be happy to see me happy.

by the way people, my sister dont agree with my idea. i think she was once introduced to my grandparents and was not accepted so she is angry with them. now, im teaching my 8-yr old brother to have the same interest as me.

thanks for all the replies. i really appreciate it

thank all for your replies. i guess i have to address several concerns here.

first of all, my grandparents dont agree with my mother not because of being Christian but because of being Filipino. of course she can convert later on since she's the only Christian in the family. but she cannot change her nationality. and i would say that my grandparents are really wrong for judging my mother. im proud that she is filipino and i love being filipino. i grew up with my mother and my mother's mother and many filipino people here in doha.

with what i have read in all your replies and opinions, i think the root problem really is my father. i think it is not our grandparents who cannot forgive them but it is my father who cannot forgive the people who judged him and my mother. maybe that is the reason why after so many years, he dont want to bring us there.

i realy realy want to go there and meet the people from my father's side. i only have 1 big dillema... i dont speak arabic. it was my father's decision for us to be speaking in english. of course, we speak my mother's language. my mother's mother is the one who took care of us. and even until now, she's taking care of my 8-year old brother. even my father speaks good tagalog. we use english and tagalog in the house.

Baka - Yes That's why my name is so long. every tom and harry want their recommendation in my name. So my parents wanted to please them all and I ended up with a name like this. even there is no enough space in Qatar Government computers to spell my name. I always end up in one name short :)

Bloody uncles and Anties. They are good for nothing but trouble :(

you see...all the answers to your question depends to your father. he have to justify his love for your family to his parents...he just have to stand firm and fight the battle until his parents will accept your mom.. the best thing that you can do now is to be on your parents side,and understand the situation.

and to applebee!! not all filipinas/and filipinos are maid okay!!!and whats wrong marrying a maid??watch your words...

Myspace Ange

I love the video tape idea britexpat, but I would be worried about bringing the grandparents to visit them. The grandparents may learn to love their grandchildren, but more then likely not their mother. They maybe quite cruel to her.

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your father who married his love forsaking his family.

You could visit Jordan with your father, but how would your mother feel about being left behind ?

Perhaps an option is to either bring the grand parents here for a visit, away from the extended family or send your grandparents a video tape of yourself . Explain how you dearly wish to meet them and se the family. It might open the door to a visit.

and mafi the child gets the grandparents name :)

Gypsy - Grand children are everything to them. They grow old playing with them and spend their time watching them grow until they die :)

Exactly Mafi, grandparents can always hate your mother, but they'll be hard pressed to ignore their grandchildren.

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In my place G/F & B/F eloped and within 1 year return back to Boy's parents with a child as a gift and they are forgiven immediately. funny thing, The child is Grand father/Mother's property after that and Bio-logical parents must get Grand parents prior approval for anything related to the child :)

Forgiveness is life...:)

There could be another reason for him not to take you to Jordan may be your father is married and has a 2nd family there ... just a thought

[img_assist|nid=50852|title=hmm|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=|height=0]

I saw a lot of this growing up, 9 times out of 10 grandma and grandpa did a complete 180 once they saw the grandkids. Not always, but usually.

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Forgiveness is life...:)

the initiative should come to your father... he should at least justify things to his parents/family about you and your mother...

your father made you aware of the situation means little by little you will soon your Jordanian roots.. just be patient and continuosly talk to your father, as of now know more about your grandparents thru him...

[img_assist|nid=12867|link=none|align=left|width=|height=0]Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

being proud above others is a sign of ignorance, its inappropriate for a Muslim people. as Allah says "O MANKIND WE CREATED YOU FROM A SINGLE (PAIR) OF A MALE AND A FEMALE, AND MADE YOU INTO NATIONS AND TRIBES, THAT YE MAY KNOW EACH OTHER. VERILY THE MOST HONORED OF YOU IN THE SIGHT OF GOD IS (HE WHO IS) THE MOST RIGHTIOUS OF YOU AND GOD HAS FULL KNOWLEDGE AND IS WELL AQUAINTED (WITH ALL THINGS)." Holy Qur'an 49:13

Poverty is not for the sake of hardship. No, it is there because nothing exists but God. Poverty unlocks the door -- what a blessed key!

- Jalaluddin al-Rumi

don't generalize applebee, i'm sure not all jordanians are ignorant and stupid like you

philippin people are maid or worker so why you father marry her. jordan people too proud no accept philippin. other people say the family accept them is liar. jordan people proud people no accept asian.

the story will revolve around your father. on how, will he try to clear the image of the past to his family, so they can understand the present. it's so sad, that you're mother has been stereotyped long before you knew she didn't deserve it. i can feel your longing. but, the it'll be better to talk straight to your father, without provocations. and tell him, your need to see your roots back in jordan. and maybe, if you're successful, you can show your granny or popsie there how beautiful life is, because of your mother. and try to show them, how well you've been raised by your dad and mom, i'm sure they'll understand.. it'll take time. but i think you can do it. it can be done.. may God/Allah bless you!

take care!

of your dilemna is the difference in culture and religion (you said that you grandparents on your father side thinks that Filipinas are only good housemaid and implies that not good for your father).

My advice, wait for a good situation wherein the prospect of meeting your grannies or your Jordanian roots possible. A time wherein meeting them will not mean more hurt for you and your sister.

I will guess that your father is a Palestinian with a Jordanian passport. I have a cousin in the same situation as yours, my aunt is married to a Palestinian holding a Jordanian passport and have two children by this time maybe as old as you.

Continue to be a good child and God/Allah will definitely give you that moment that you will meet your grannies and learn your roots. Be patient. That time will come. Your father is the main key.

"dgoodrebel will always be the rebellious good one"

If I were your father I will stand inform of my family and tell them that this is my family are you accepting them. Or I’m no more your son? :) No mother and father will have the risk of losing there own son. Just because his married with a Filipina and living happy after all.

a muslim accepted that your mother would never convert, and they have been happily married for a long time, his parents should have seen how happy your Mother makes your Father and give them their support and blessing.

It's difficult not to judge but they are set in their ways, old habits die hard.

Your Father could try talking to them when he goes in July and as Gypsy says, if this doesn't help then maybe give yourself a little time and go there yourself, however, it may not be any different, just be strong and be prepared for any outcome.

"The best solution for all the problem would be that your mother become Muslim"

Well said Religeous Fanatic :) Answer to all the question in this world can be solved by converting to Islam. My foot ;)

That's a tough situation. I think you do have the right to go and meet your grandparents, but if possible you should try to get your parents to agree. Seeing you and your sister may be just what your grandparents need to realize how much they are missing from their lives.

I think if your parents don't agree, in a few years, when you are more mature, you should go on your own, but you need to prepare yourself for your father's family turning you away.

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Sounds like atough situation. If you do go you should be prepared if your grandparents refuse to see or acknowledge you. I hope that doesn't happen but unfortunately that may be a reality.

"I don't think so. Homey don't play dat."

Homey Da Clown

Why dont u suggest ur father to bring his parents on visit to Qatar, in this way u guyz would be able to meet & mix up with each other too.

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CONFUSE ............ if you cannot convince!

The best solution for all the problem would be that your mother become Muslim and your fathers family should definetly accept her if they dont accept her because of religion now.

but if after this they dont accept her, dont just try to look for them they arent worth it.

secondly if this wont be an option Your father should solve the problem he created, its upto him and he only can do it.

Poverty is not for the sake of hardship. No, it is there because nothing exists but God. Poverty unlocks the door -- what a blessed key!

- Jalaluddin al-Rumi

My dear, I can imagine this must be hard for you. Your father clearly loves you and your mother. He has chosen you above his own family. Yes he goes and visits them, as a good son would do. But it his family that made life difficult for him, your mother and you and your sister. Dont be angry with your parents, not be angry with his parents. Anger wont help. They are ignorant. Unfortunately one can not do much about ignorance, except for education. I do not recommend you go off on your own to Jordan. This will only put oil on the fire and blame your mother for not educating you. What I recommend you do is talk to your father and tell him that you want to know your roots, ask him to show you Jordan. Dont ask to visit his family, this might only make matters worse. Leave things in Allah's hand. If Allah wants you to meet, you will. Just appreciate the love your father has for you and your mothers love for living with these restrictions.

Aisha-Taweela

hun, it's up to your dad 2 banish these stupid ideas from his family..if had gone so far 2 elope n marry your mom..then she definitely meant something..and if your all living happily i think your father should make this happiness complete by letting his family accept ya..after all your his kids..

i reckon you should sit down with your dad and talk 2 him about this issue..what father wouldn't want his kids 2 see their grandparents n have a healthy relationship with them..

a good talk will never do you harm

hopefully it all works out for the best