pampatanggal ng stress
Bunso : Ate kuya ! ang galing ng titser ko .
Ate : Bakit naman ?
Bunso : Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal .
Kuya : Eh di marunong kana gumalang at magpo at opo ?
.
Bunso : Natural ! Tanga ka ba!
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PACMAN: "it flash to my nose tree times for they buy dead by too?"
DIONISIA: beri easy.eh, de ekuals portin.
Ops? uulitin niya
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A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled
"It really works!"
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"I'm the happiest person when i saw your face.."
in tagalog:
"ako ang pinakamasayang tao kapag nilagari ko ang mukha mo."
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Ang pitong katotohanan sa mundo:
1. Mata lang and hindi mo kayang sabunin.
2. Hindi mo kayang bilangin ang mga buhok mo sa katawan.
3. Hindi lahat ng ngipin mo ay kayang abutin ng dila mo.
4. titigil ka sa kababasa at susubukan mong gawin ang pangatlo.
5. Uulit-ulitin mo pa ang pangatlo at maiisip mo na kaya palang abutin ng dila mo ang lahat ng ngipin mo.
6. Tatawa ka ng tatawa dahil sa kalokohan/katangahan na iyong ginawa.
7. Ipapabasa mo sa iba o di kaya ay itetext mo toh sa mga kaibigan mo para makaganti ka. hahaha!
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(nagtetexan para sa eyeball)
Girl: ako naka yellow . ikaw ?
Boy: Green (:
sa coffe shop..
an ugly girl in yellow comes in.
pero walang naka green kaya nilapitan nya ang naka RED.
Girl: excuse me , ikaw ba ang ka text ko ?
Boy: baket naka GREEN ba ako ?
Tanga hahaha!
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A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy..
Baby: Does this mean im an angel???
Fairy: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! Paniki ka no!!!
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"I'M NOT AN ENGINEER, DON'T BLAME IT ON ME"
Scene 1: Confession Box inside the church
Parishioner: Blessed me father for I have sinned...NANGANGALIWA PO AKO!
Priest: OMG, lahat nalang kayo puro PANGANGALIWA ang ikinukumpisal.
Scene 2: Inside the church, priest giving homily...
Priest: Dahil puro nalang pangangaliwa ang ikinukumpisal niyo sakin nakakarindi na, palitan natin ng PASSWORD, kapag sinabi niyo sakin NAHULOG AKO SA TULAY alam ko na, sana maliwanag sa lahat.
(Unfortunately Priest was changed by new one, and new one is not aware of the password given by the former)
Parishioner 1: Father NAHULOG PO AKO SA TULAY...
New Priest: Patingin ka sa Orthopedic anak baka nabalian ka...
Parishioner 2: Father NAHULOG DIN PO AKO SA TULAY
New Priest: Bakit wala bang umaayos pa diyan sa tulay na yan?
(New Priest went to the Municipal Hall and confronted the mayor about the problem of his parishioners)
New Priest: Mayor, bakit di mo yata ginagampanan ang tungkulin mo bilang mayor dito...bakit ayaw mong ayusin ang tulay...ang daming pumupunta sa akin nagungumpisal... at lahat NAHULOG DAW SA TULAY....(galit sa father)
Mayor: ha ha ha (tumawa kasi alam ang password)
New Priest: Wag kang tumawa ng ganyan Mayor, alalahanin mo pumunta lang sakin ang asawa mo kanina at sabi NAHULOG DAW SIYA SA TULAY!
...he he he...
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Spelling can kill you, so better watch out!
Husband on an out of town assignment sent a text 2 his wife...
"Trip is wonderful, i'm having a good time! Wish you were her!"
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SINONG SINO HA?
BABAE(sexy):Hon paayos naman ang ilaw sa kusina, madilim eh?
LALAKI(guapo): nako naman babe, abogado ako, ano ako ELECTRICIAN?!
B: Sige wag nalang, yong hagdanan nalang ayusin mo,
muntik akong nahulog eh.
L: Sus ano ako CARPENTER?!
Sige diyan kana papasok na ako sa Law Firm.
(After work, L comes home)
L: Aba maliwanag na ah, naayos na ang ilaw...
tapos narin ang hagdanan?! ... ginawa mo?
B: Di ah, may nagmagandang loob na PULIS sabi aayusin daw,
sabi ko wala akong pambayad, pumayag parin siya pero kelangang may
kapalit kahit di pera...
L: Ano naman yon?
B: ...kung di kami mag SEX....
pwede naman daw ko siyang ipag-BAKE A CAKE...
LALAKI: Oh di NAG BAKE A CAKE KA?!
BABAE: Di ah, Ano akala mo sa akin BAKER?!
......he he he.....
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Bakla At Macho Nagkasabay sa CR...
Bakla: Ang laki naman nyan sayo...
Macho: Wala na tong silbi kasi iniwan na ako ng GF ko...
puputulin ko na lang at ipapakain sa aso!
Bakla: Aw! Aw! Aw!Aw!
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GIRL: hubad mo na bra ko
BOY: yan hubad na
GIRL: hubad mo na rin panty ko
BOY: yan hubad na rin
GIRL: sa susunod wag na wag mong gagamitin mga gamit ko, bakla ka!
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GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
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totoo ba na ang gwapo at maganda ay mahina sa
isfelling at
grammers?
my gas!
did they sure?
wat does they proof?
it hurts me
i am not belief of diss.
does u?
HAHAHAHA XD
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PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,"
he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??
"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".
The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
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Takot sa tao.. hindi sa langit!
Killer: Father, mangungumpisal po ako
Father: Ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: Pumatay po ako ng 20 tao kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba
Father: Dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang...
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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
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Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili
na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang
linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
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hindi lahat ng umiinom gusto makatikim ng alak.. ang iba, gusto matikman ang kainuman..
laging tandaan.. kapag may alak, may balak! hahaha
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sobra tawa ko dito.....
AMO: day, gamitin mo itong chalk pamatay ng ipis, sulat mo sa pader.
Maid: yis ati!
NEXT DAY... nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader:
EPES MAMATAY KAUNG LAHAT! SYET PAKYO!
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OPERASYON
HUSBAND: Kung hindi ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas,ikaw na sana ang bahala sa mga anak natin...I LOVE U!
MISIS: Tumigil ka nga!! Wala pang namatay sa TULI !
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LOLO: “Apo magtago ka, nandiyan na titser mo. Alam niya umabsent ka ngayon, di ba?”
APO: “Lo, magtago ka rin kasi sabi ko patay ka kaya ako umabsent.
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anak:nay.penge sna ako ng 50
nay:40?ang laki nman ng 30!.
ano ggwin mo sa 20?
akala mo mdling kumita ng 10?
o.eto 5, ibalik mo yung sukli na 3 ha.
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Bartender: Sir, napansin ko bawat inom ninyo tumitingin kayo sa bulsa ninyo.
Customer: Ahh, ito? Picture ng asawa ko ito…
pag maganda na siya sa tingin ko uuwi na ako..
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Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
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MISIS: Dear, iligaw mo nga tong pusa. Nakasako na.
Dalhin mo sa malayo!
MISTER: Ok!
(Maya-Maya)
MISIS: Bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba ang pusa?
MISTER: Bwisit na pusang yan! Kundi ko siya sinundan, di
ako nakauwi!
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Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!
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USAPANG MATINO.
Ama: Pag ikaw bumagsak sa test n'yo bukas kalimutan mo ng may ama ka!
Anak: Opo.
...KINABUKASAN.
Ama: O, anak! Kamusta ang exam?
Anak: Hu u?
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May isang bus na pinasok ng mga pusakal.
Leader ng mga pusakal:ipaghiwalay nyo ang mga lalaki sa mga babae. Yong mga lalaki pagbabarilin natin at ang mga babae re-rapin natin.
DALAGA: Naku po, pakawalan niyo na ang lola ko. Matanda na sya at mahina na. Biglang kinurot sa singit ni lola ang dalaga sabay sabi ' Tumahimik ka pagsinabing re-rapin re-rapin.' :)
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