Funny Quotes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  ~Fred Allen


Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  ~H.L. Mencken


A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  ~Author Unknown


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch


A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.  ~Author Unknown


If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went


Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.  ~Charles Schulz


All generalizations are bad.  ~R.H. Grenier


All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.  ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin


The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  ~Tom Waits, Small Change


Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.  ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield


After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  ~P.J. O'Rourke


How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?  ~Nigel Rees


If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey."  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  ~Elayne Boosler


Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.  ~George Ade


An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.  ~William Castle


If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.  ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet


Man was predestined to have free will.  ~Hal Lee Luyah


Maybe this world is another planet's hell.  ~Aldous Huxley


Murphy was an optimist.  ~O'Toole's Commentary


The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.  ~Nicholas Chamfort


The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.  ~Robert Graves


The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.  ~Douglas Adams


The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes


Today is the last day of some of your life.  ~Author Unknown


Without geography, you're nowhere.  ~Author Unknown


It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.  ~Author Unknown


You can't have everything... where would you put it?  ~Steven Wright

He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.  ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981


He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.  ~Torvald Gahlin


I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  ~Author Unknown


Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.  ~Author Unknown


Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  ~P.D. East


As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed.  Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.  ~Robert Brault,