Filipino Jokes, Etc
DO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS ?
1. Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence.
...The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I'LL BUY, BE COOL.
2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
...(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
3. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
...Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.
4. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
...If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.
5. Use DECANTER in a sentence.
...You can order that medicine over DECANTER.
6. Use DELETION in a sentence.
...The balat of DELETION is crispy.
7. Use DESPISE in a sentence.
...Who baked all DESPISE?
8. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
...I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL
consent so he can go to the picnic.
AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND
UNDERSTAND TAGALOG:
9. Use BORROW in a sentence.
...Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.
10. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
...Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.
11. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
...Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE.
12. Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a
city [or street] at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA)
...Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang bebot na yun, pero,
ma-ARTESIA.
13. Use CADET in a sentence.
...CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang
CADET niya.
14. Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
...Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.
15. Use CENTURION in a sentence.
...Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.
16. Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
...Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan.
17. Use DELICACY in a sentence.
...Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.
18. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
...Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya pwede na tayong kumain.
19. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
...Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.
20. Use LAITY in a sentence.
...Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.
21. Use MENTION in a sentence.
...Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.
22. Use ebonic word MOTHA' FUCKA' in a sentece.
...Iho mag-ingat, ka baka MOTHA' FUCKA'
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
23. Use SECOND THOUGHT in a sentence.
...Hindi pa bumibili ng bagong kotse ang mag-asawang si Pedro
at Maria dahil magse-SECOND THOUGHT pa daw sila.
i dont get "My analyze over the ocean so bring back my anatomy."
ive been trying to figure out the answer for a while now. plz help
Did you fart?
Coz you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded?
Coz you sure are special.
My love for you is like diarrhea.
I can’t hold it.
Do you have a library card?
Coz I’d like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants?
Coz I can see myself in em.
If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I’d store my nuts in your hole.
You might not be the best looking girl here,
But beauty’s only light switch away.
Man: “Fat Penguin!”
Woman: ‘WHAT’
I just wanted to say something to break the ice.
I know I’m not Fred Flinstone,
But I bet I can make your bed-rock
I can’t find my puppy,can you help me find him?
I think he went into the cheap motel room.
Yes your eyes are blue as a windex cleaner
If you are going to regret this in the morning,
We can sleep until afternoon.
And ….the best for last
Your face reminds me of a wrench,
Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up,
I HEARD THAT COCOBANK AND PHILIPPINE AIRLINES OR P.A.L. HAVE MERGED TODAY AND THEIR NEW MANAGEMENT NAME IS NOW CALLED
COPAL PHILIPPINES
Finally a bright spot in all the financial news...
With all the turmoil in the market today, and the collapse of Lehman
Bros, and
acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some
good
advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next
expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG
bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W R.
Grace Co.
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and
become:
Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
will merge
and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become:
Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new
management
and become:
TittyTittyBangBang
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know
what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started
cussing. The 4 year
old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go
downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say
something with ass..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his
eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there
until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old
and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't
be Cheerios!'
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him: "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a
moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I
have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no
time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As
he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for$100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied,'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
the farmer asked,'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said,'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said,'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made aprofit of $898.00.'
The farmer said,'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said,'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
Father, Mother And I
In the Philippines, most kids in private schools are forced to speak English at all times. A kid who just came from the province and who barely speaks the language tried his best to do so. One day the kid needed to go to the bathroom so bad that he didn't know what to tell his teacher. He raised his hand and said "guro, pwede bang pumunta nang banyo?" (meaning, teacher may I go to the bathroom?')
Since the boy didn't speak English the teacher pretended that she didn't hear him. The boy said to himself, "what should I say (in Filipino of course)". Then suddenly, the boy raised his hand and said, "FATHER, MOTHER, I" and quickly rushed out the door and to the bathroom.
The teacher wandered what the boy meant. 15 minutes later the boy came back. The teacher asked him where he went. He said that he went to the bathroom and he needed to go really bad. Then she asked what he meant when he said "FATHER, MOTHER, I".
The boy then explained, "FATHER in filipino meant TATA, MOTHER in filipino meant INA and I in filipino meant AKO"
the first kiss
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom BOTTOM.
Matalino talaga ang mga GreatPinoy
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for
my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, " What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high
figure?" How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid?
"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico".
The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as the date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, or an email."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email that means you do not exist... And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate... He then sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US (Cosko). He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email.
The man replied, "I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story
1. Internet / email are not the solution to your life.
2. if you received this message by email, you are probably already an Office boy/girl, and not any close to being a millionaire...
Have a great day!!!
P.S - Do not forward this email back to me; I am closing my email & going to sell tomatoes!!! : P
DONT MESS WITH KIDS
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?! ''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver
Three contractors . . . one from Lebanon, another from Syria and the third from Jordan are bidding to repair a house of Lebanon that destroyed during the War, they go with an officer to examine.
The Jordanian contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run $900,000 . . . $400,000 for materials, $400,000 for labor and $100,000 profit for me."
The Syrian contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $800,000 . . . $400,000 for materials, $300,000 for my crew and $100,000 profit for me."
The Lebanese contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers: "$2,800,000." The officer, incredulous, says,
"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," the Lebanese explains, "$1,000,000 for you, $1,000,000 for me and we hire the Syrian to do the work."
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three, identical parrots in a
cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft
Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and
type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office
2000, but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's
specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything. But
the other two call him "BOSS"!!
really bullshit......
REINCARNATION NG ISANG LASENGGO...
> As always! Madaling araw na naman nakauwi si RIKARDO galing sa inuman
> at lasing na lasing. Pag dating niya ay tulog na ang kanyang MISIS kaya
> tumabi na lang siya sa kama at natulog na rin. Kinaumagahan, sa muling
> pagmulat ng mga mata ni RIKARDO ay nakita niya na ang katabi ay isang
> lalaki, bigla syang nagulat at bumangon!
> RIKARDO : Sino ka! At ano ang ginagawa mo dito sa kuwarto namin?
> SAN PEDRO: Huminahon ka RIKARDO. Hindi ito ang kuwarto niyo at ako ay si
> SAN PEDRO.
> RIKARDO: Ha? Kung ganon patay na ako!
> SAN PEDRO: Ganon na nga iho.
> RIKARDO: HINDI! HINDI ITO PWEDE! Ang dami ko pang hindi nagagawa ang dami
> ko pang naiwan sa mundo! Maawa ka SAN PEDRO pabalikin mo sa lupa kahit
> man lang para makapagpaalam sa mga mahal ko sa buhay!
> SAN PEDRO: Teka huminahon ka. Hindi ka na pwedeng bumalik bilang ikaw
> pero pwede kita i- reincarnate bilang isang inahing manok o bayawak!
> RIKARDO: Mmmmm kung bayawak baka mapatay uli agad ako. Inahing manok lang
> po SAN PEDRO, pero ilagay nyo po ako dun sa bukid namin para malapit ako
> sa pamilya ko!
> SAN PEDRO: OK pagbibigyan ko ang kagustuhan mo.
> At muling nabuhay si RIKARDO bilang isang inahing manok. Nakita niya ang
> sarili na puno ng balahibo at kasama niya ang ibang mga inahing manok sa
> bukid nila. Kinausap siya ng isa pang inahing manok na si SUSY.
> RIKARDO: Whew, isa na akong manok ganito pala ang feeling. Teka bakit
> parang umiinit ang tiyan ko at kumukulo?
> SUSY: Ikaw ba yung bagong manok dito? Ganyan talaga ang pakiramdam kapag
> malapit ka nang mangitlog. Magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo siyang dumaloy.
> RIKARDO: Ano? Mangingitlog ako! Oo nga pala inahin nga pala ako kaya
> normal lang siguro yun.
> Kahit medyo kinakabahan si RIKARDO ay sinunod nya si SUSY at nailabas nya
> ang unang itlog. Matapos mailabas ang itlog ay guminhawa ang pakiramdam
> ni RIKARDO.
> RIKARDO :Wow ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng mangitlog, napakasarap! Ngayon
> ko lang naramdaman ito, para akong isang ina na nagsilang ng sanggol
> napakasarap, ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito. Pero teka bakit parang meron
> pa?
> SUSY :Huwag kang mag-alala di tulad ng tao, tayong mga manok kaya natin
> mangitlog ng isa hanggang walo, kaya magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo silang
> lumabas.
> RIKARDO: Ganon ba? O sige. Maraming salamat SUSY! Hindi ko maintindihan
> ang nararamdaman ko pero totoong nakaka-antig ng damdamin.
> At muli na naman nangitlog si RIKARDO. Gumaan muli ang pakiramdam niya.
> Napangiti at nasabi niya sa sarili niya na ito ang pinakamasarap na
> naramdaman niya sa buong buhay niya kahit na noong namumuhay pa siya
> bilang isang tao. Halos mapaluha siya sa galak. Naghahanda na sanang
> ilabas ni RIKARDO ang pangatlo niyang itlog nang biglang may matigas na
> bagay na pumalo sa ulo nya at may narinig siyang malakas na sigaw�
MISIS : HOOOY PUT............ MO!!! GUMISING KANG DEMONYO KA! BAKIT KA TUMATAE SA KAMA ?!?
"letting go doesn't mean ur weak,only shows you're stronger to let go"
keep it up wayneph...
tuloy mo kups..................
Most fools think they are only ignorant.
hmmm not happy with joke n0.4! not funny at all change the sentence. so offensive.
"Born optimist nothing can keep me too low for so long"
therefore, use the link given above...
[img_assist|nid=12867|link=none|align=left|width=|height=0]Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
am sorry these jokes are for filipino expats only since some language or words used have filipino definitions... hehehe
please, better to post it here... http://qatarliving.com/group/filipino-expatriates-in-qatar not unless you will translate/explain it all to those who will ask...
[img_assist|nid=12867|link=none|align=left|width=|height=0]Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
# MORE OF THE USUAL
TENACIOUS - I went to "The Athlete's Foot" yesterday to buy a pair of
tenacious.
CONTEMPLATE - I went to a party last night. There was so much food pero
co-contemplate.
CURTAIN and KITCHEN - Aray! Huwag mo kong curtain. Masa-kitchen.
PUNCTUATION - Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng punctuation.
GUAVA - I just had a haircut. Masa-guava?
DEDUCT, DEFEAT, and DETAIL - Deduct jumped over defense but detail
landed before defeat.
DEPOSIT - Paki-check nga ang banyo. I think deposit is leaking.
ICE BUKO - Nagpagupit ako kanina, tingnan mo nga, ice buko?
PERSUADING - Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992. So last June 1,
1993, they are going to celebrate their persuading anniversary.
DEVASTATION - I wait for the bus at devastation every morning.
CONCLUSION and OPINION - (Pointing to a door): Conclusion, hindi opinion.
PAMPERS and PAPERS - At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant,
"Do I pampers or do I papers?"
DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES - If the royal family has a baby boy, he is
called difference; if they have a baby girl, she is called differences.
PROTESTANT - Apples, oranges, and other fruits can be bought at the protestant.
ANALYZE and ANATOMY - My analyze over the ocean so bring back my anatomy.
IRAQ, IRAN, EGYPT - Iraq is bigger than a stone; Iran is faster than a walk;
and Egypt is smaller than a truck.
PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL - Paul, be carepaul; you might paul in the
swimming paul and make a paul of yourself.
CASHEW and SKATE - I want to have a tattoo sana cashew mukhang ma-skate, eh.
CUISINE - I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a
surprise cuisine Math.
TEAM
There were three basketball teams: the White team, the Black team, and
the Filipino team. They all didn't know what to call each other. The
white team decided to be the "A" team and the Filipinos were the "B" team.
What was the black team? -the "E" team.
USE THE WORD
A Filipino guy gets stopped by immigration at the airport.
Immigration tells him, "Use the words 'chicken not bread' in a sentence.
" The Filipino looks around, puts a bag over a woman's head and yells,
"Chee kennot bred! Chee kennot bred!" (accent on "she cannot breathe")
# TEACHER
There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching
her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying,
"You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put
your right feet in...." Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher
you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right
feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."