'Can an affair really SAVE a marriage'
Mira Kirshenbaum has worked in psychotherapy for 30 years and counselled hundreds of couples.
In her controversial and provocative new book When Good People Have Affairs - with which many will disagree - she argues that while infidelity is wrong, affairs don't have to be disastrous: it's how we handle them that matters. And one of the worst things we can do is feel guilty. Mira argues her case...
Affairs, while they can be hurtful and destructive, can also save marriages.
What makes affairs dangerous is guilt, because guilt stops people thinking clearly and often leads to them making disastrous decisions which destroy relationships.
I also believe that a lot of people who have affairs aren't bad; they have simply made a mistake and got themselves into a complicated, messy, dangerous situation
I know it flies in the face of conventional wisdom, but having worked in psychotherapy for 30 years and counselled hundreds of men and women, I am convinced of this.
It's because they're good people that they lie awake at night feeling guilty and scared, agonising about how to avoid hurting the people they care about.
Infidelity can be anything from a passionate kiss at a party to a fullblown relationship.
Sometimes the attachment is purely sexual, or purely emotional. Sometimes it's with a stranger on the internet, sometimes it's with a spouse's best friend.
So where does a person draw the line? If your partner would feel hurt and betrayed by what happened, then it's infidelity.
The statistics are hair-raising. Overall, 47 per cent of married men are likely to get involved (emotionally and/or sexually) with someone else, as are 35 per cent of married women.
You can't teach experience
This Red Pope agrees with BrandyLADY 100%.
I know for fact, that her comments will hurt other people feelings and ego status.
Let it be then, If the truth hurts, It is time for a modification of your behavior and get your priorities straight. There is no sugar coating with her comments.
"Don't make me write your name on my TURD List!"
Its high time that that people realised that marriage is extremely passe' and that Guys will be Guys and why not I say. Wives should stay in the Kitchen where they belong and not interfere with their husbands private lives. The world would be a happier place if they did okay. Hic! Back to the gin!
well maybe the couple should look at the reason for the affair. Sometimes if you can get to the root of the problem, it can be fixed.
tra la la
You can't teach experience
live life to the full
NOT FOR ME...
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”
An affair can break a marriage and not save one! All this psychotherapy is bull sh*t! Seriously I think westerners take shrinks too seriously... I donno how u guys come up with these things!!
I dream of a better tomorrow where Chickens can cross the Road without having their motives questioned - Unknown
You can't teach experience
;)
Having affairs has meant that I get to spend less time with "her indoors" and thus the marriage didn't suffer..
even if you try again, the amount of trust is lower and still suspicion is there, trust me I know ;)
True a woman does not get called a cheater but if they sleep with too many people they are called S*&!'s and most of the time they have not slept with as many people as men have!!
No ifs or buts about it.
If yer thinking of having an affair, think of what yer gonna lose......Everything !!!
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
I really think it depends on the people in the relationship and the relationship itself.
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you know we have different perception on things....so that is how i perceive it..so you have to respect that..i guess..peace..
Myspace Ange
Like women never cheat???
But you never hear about it...
And if they do they not called cheaters???
It the guy fault if they cheat LOL...
You can't teach experience
Cheating is sickness of the mind.... not discontent....
Ask anyone who cheats why they cheat.... there answers will be different each time you ask them. Why??? Because they really don't have the exact reason why they have to cheat...
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
How could the marriage survive??? Once a cheater always a cheater!!!
once a man/woman cheats, (eventhough it is done discretly/secret manner), is still cheating!
remember no secrets can be hidden forever! besides KARMA will always be there...you may not directly get the karma of what you've done, but your children may inherit your bad karma...do you want your children to follow your what you've done?? and in the end BLAME you for their failed marriage?!(that's what they have seen in you)...
once trust is betrayed, it can never be repaired!
so why cheat if you can live a happy and peaceful life??
OR why get married if you CANNOT stay faithful to your partner or if you think you will not be happy with a single mate????
You can't teach experience
It destroyed my marriage.
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
Myspace Ange
You can't teach experience
Its worth the time reading..
"I am brave, but I take a view. It is an educated view. I am careful. I am not reckless."
You can't teach experience
Do whatever you want before marriage. But once you got married you should keep the relation pure. Marriage is bonding between to individuals with trust and love. If there is no trust no love, both will come in one line only. You will feel a strange blessing always with you.
That is why I am keeping much distance from ladies!!!!!!!!!!lol..........
You can't teach experience
I think you summed things up perfectly, no one wins
Rick
...end of friendship. What can we do? We cannot change people if they are who they are. Either they change or we change.
This is where humility must not always be taken advantage. Learn to fight, learn to be angry...but not in a vengeful way. There's always karma in this world for them to suffer...
"Everything in this book may be wrong." Illusions: The Adventures of The Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach
I know what affairs do to marriage.
Trust destroyed, one will always wonder.
Well said...
Even after councelling, there will always be doubts..
an affair is like a big crack in one glass... the glass can be referred to the marriage..
once the glass have its crack it is really hard (or never at all) to put together... :(
[img_assist|nid=12867|link=none|align=left|width=|height=0]Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Therefore, an affair can save marriage if you went into counselling with Mira... hahaha..
Kidding aside, talking to experts can really save your marriage. but not all cheaters realize that. They would even continue to live in denial.
I think in the cases this woman is talking about the affair made them realize that they weren't ready to give up on their marriage so they went into counciling. So for some people, yes, an affair can save your marriage.
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Not all affairs saved marriages, most of them did not.
Cheating is a sign of being weak. Though, one should not make cheating as a lame excuse for you have problems with your spouse, or the girl wants it anyway, whatever. One should not play on anybody's emotions. Everybody gets hurt in the end, the wife/husband, kids involved, even the other woman/man and the wo/man her/himself. So why cheat???
Mira admit that affairs are destructive and wrong but to some extent can be also a way to save marriage. Mira never mentioned (although I don't know if she implies it), that the extra affair was persistent in the cases she handled. maybe one time or several times, as she had said, it depends on the way the matter was look at or interpreted. One will agree that a perfect husband or wife is now an endangered species but do still exist. The different cultures and the values affected or influenced by the new technologies are seen going to erosion of moral and unless the attitude will withstand this erosion of morals, yes, I would agree with her in her statistics or as someone of you said, maybe more.
"dgoodrebel will always be the rebellious good one"
Sssshhhhhhhhhhh....not to loud!
If ur marriage is going to break, no amount of sleeping around is going to save it - LOL!!!!!!!
In other words ur only going to prepone it !
i also think the % is much higher... it is only 47% who admitted that they cheated.. add about the same (or at least half of it) who didn't admit under any circumstances.. OR even funnier.. they sincerily DO NOT CONSIDER their action as cheating!
Thanks for the tip..
i shall be applying in latin America at the earliest..
I think people make up statistics to make what they are doing wrong, seem right..
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,the good fortune to run into the ones I do,and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Unfortunately in some cultures it is so accepted that you would be fighting a losing battle asking your husband to stay monogomous...
certainly true for latin america...
I think 47% is a very conservative estimate..
Will smoking save your lung? How many people have fallen into this pit, and lived to tell their tale, without a scar on their lungs? How many husbands have cheated and lived to tell that there is no scar in their marriage? You mean, if there is something wrong with my lungs, i need to try smoking so that i can reevaluate my condition and give my lungs a second chance? Will that help? If you don't see any positive outcome with my analogy, then you can't see any positive outcome with the idea as well. How many husbands here can bear the thought of getting back to your wife who's been humping and sucking other guys' cock? How many wives can bear the thought of their husbands sleeping with another woman? where is the second chance in that? SEX is a very ADDICTIVE habit. Once you get into it, you're trapped forever. Once you started having an affair, there's no chance it will save your marriage. The best thing to save your marriage is to communicate. Instead of having an affair with another woman, start the affair with your wife. Learn to listen. You say more when you listen more.
It's a mod friendly way of saying bullsh>>it
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I like that.. What does it mean ?
I agree with her completely. People are complex animals and if something is bothering us, sometimes we act it out rather then talk it out. An affair means there's something wrong in the relationship, and sometimes having an affair can make people realize that, reevaluate their marriage and give it a second chance. All this leopard can't change his spot things is bullpatootie.
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What I understood from this is that if we make our partner who cheated on us not feel guilty about it, our marriage will last.
So hey, let's make the cheaters feel good!
Sorry, I think it is a load of rubbish.
Kismet
If someone falls in "simple" infidelity as kissing somebody with "intention" or going for a date with another woman (again, with the "intention") and still live with his wife and happy with their relations, maybe Mira is right. There are people who experiment on having an affair not to keep it but just give-in to the "lust" or challenged of having done it and applies whatever he learned from the experiences to their relationship.
The point is "what you don't know won't hurt you" mentality is prevalent now-a-days. secret affairs (as most are) continue to thrive because there are people who are so successful in their proffession that they can't afford to be with somebody inferior to them (as they thought) and would rather enter into an affair with someone for certain period of their life.
"dgoodrebel will always be the rebellious good one"
marriage is based on trust, trust that he will love you on your lowest of low and in your highest of highs no matter what. if you love someone why hurt them?
i bet those "saved" marriages by affairs lasts maybe 1 or 2 weeks...maybe shorter.
if you ask me..
It's like saying that fighting is good, because you make up afterwards.
Once the seeds of dobt have been sown, then the relationship will begin to falter.
Cheat once, never stop
Why cheat,
And If you cheat, is it alright for your spuse to cheat too!?
Only sick (un-balanced emotional ) people cheat..
Unhappy .. not enough love from the other side...Talk about, find a solution...But Cheat...
No...No...No...
Math 4 All
Statistics are against it just like my buddy brandylady remarkably pointed.
However, its a strange world out there filled with strange folks. There are certainly more ways than one in any situation. They call themselves, kukoooo!, just kidding.....lol
Man, I crack myself up still.
47% of men and 35% of women.
affairs can destroy trust and I believe once that trust has gone, you can't get it back.
You will always wonder, when the other person goes out alone, what if anything they are upto, not a good basis for a happy marriage in my opinion