jokes - take your pick

1)  NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm  summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead   of us stood up and waved.  

She was stark naked! As I  was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old   shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

***********2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his   teacher a note from his mother.

The note read,   "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

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3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the  jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she  asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.  "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." 
 
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4) MORE NUDITY  

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in  the women's locker room.

When he was spotted, the   room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.  

The little boy watched in   amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

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5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an  elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl  about 6 years old.  Looking up and down at my uniform,

she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I  answered and continued writing the report. "My  mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the  police.  Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her.  "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

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6) POLICE # 2  

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,   

my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little  boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back  there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the  van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

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7) ELDERLY  

While working for an organization that delivers  lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my  4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.  She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and  wheelchairs.  

One day I found her staring at a pair of  false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she  merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy  will never believe this!"

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8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a  party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she  warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And  why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you  a headache the next morning."

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9) DEATH  

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his  church, our minister heard the intoning of a  prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently,  his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a  dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be  performed, they had secured a small box and cotton  batting , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.  The minister's son was  chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with  sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he  thought his father always said:  "Glory be unto the  Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he  gooooes."

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10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of  school.  "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her  mother .. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

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11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible.  He was  fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.   

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.  He picked  up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an   old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages   "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.  ;  ; "What have you got there, dear?"  

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think  it's  Adam's underwear."