Profound Stuff!

I asked the Master and he replied (somewhat
cryptically);
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
In fact, just fu** off and leave me alone!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt or a flat tyre.

The darkest hour comes just before the dawn. So if
you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or
alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when
you aren't getting any.

Give a man a fish - he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish - he will sit in a boat drinking
beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that
person again? Probably the best deal you ever got.

If you always tell the truth, you need to remember
absolutely nothing.

Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes
from bad judgment.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your
lips are moving.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument
with a woman. Neither works.

Never miss a chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry. Then we
are smacked on our arse. From there on, it all goes
downhill!!!