The Irish Strike Back
A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Paddy shouts 'Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh * t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Paddy shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
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Comedian is doing his routine on stage and then starts talking about the Irish...
this huge musclehead of a guy who looks like he could bend steel rods with his eyelids gets up at the back of the room and says... "just before you start on the irish jokes... I want to warn you... me and my friends here are Irish"
The comedian says... "um ok don't worry... I'll tell them slowly"
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An Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to
realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the
hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other...
"Look Paddy.....there's that *****ing idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it!!!!"
The Syrian city "Homs" is refered to as the Irish of Syria and have similar jokes.
There was a big hole in the main street there causing many serious accidents.
The city counsel were concerned about this issue and wanted to sort if out, specially that the hospital was far away from the street hole.
So the counsel members met and started discussing the optimum solution
One guy sugested the have an ambulance always at standby near the hole.
Another guy suggested to demolish the hospital and construct a new one near the hole
A third one suggested to fill the hole and make a new street hole near the hospital
Counsel members praised the third suggestion which they found very convenient and economic. All voted for it
I'm bored too much to read tonight, 3 previous treads from the same author and know this mess.
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected
strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on
board, he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
Mick said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher."Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.
"Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."