The bitter-sweet journey
So I have been trying for a while now to be comfortable in my own skin and carve out my own identity.... something I can claim and call my own.
And what I have come to learn is that people like to identify themselves with one thing or another.
people be like, "Oh my culture is my identity, or my nationality, or religion, or job or family etc, etc,etc.
And It seems all fine for them.... Not for me.
I don't have one thing to identify with. There is more than just one thing that makes us who we're.
One word is not going to give you the understanding of who somebody truly is.
I will tell you a little something about myself.
I hail from a very strong-opinionated,very traditional, and very fundamentally religious, severely racially mixed family. lol..
And that was what lived and breathed my whole life .
Although my family put me in a western education based school, I still had to go to religious classes after school, and every single day. My family would whoop the day light out of me If I ever skipped that.
As a kid I was only allowed to have friends and associate with kids whom my family approved of, which basically meant having like-minded families. And on weekends I took part in Quranic memorization, because my family expected
, me to become a Hafiz.
( someone who knows the whole Quran by heart).
Yup, you can say I was trapped in in someone else's plan.
It wasn't until I went away for university, breaking out of my shelter for the first time, and feeling vulnerable and fully exposed to the elements.
It was then that I realized that it wasn't all about being an Arab at all.
It was about people and learning and taking from those different people and developing a new understanding of me, life and the world.
As new ideas and concepts of life began to storm in my mind, I began to question everything, including my pre-set conceptualization of what is wrong or right. what is more and immoral.
Then followed long years of complete intellectual chaos, and identity crisis. A long process of breaking down the walls of indoctrinated ideologies that were placed around mind.
Yeah, I still identify with religion and tradition, but more so with the universe.
visualizing my life as a piece of the puzzle that I'm putting together.
So as I continue to put more pieces to solve the puzzle, I develop a whole identity that is me.
Knowing that I grew up in an environment that I had very little in common with, yet I had always tried to affiliate and identify with , is just a bitter-sweet journey that I look back on.
Afraid to break out the bubble, and into the unknown.
I slowly started to break out of my shell.
And it meant to choosing my own path, my own identity, my own voice.
You are welcome Marco, It is time to dare all those things which you think carves out your own identity. Please don't take it as rude, just a straightforward statement.. I mean don't choose hypocrisy just because your loved ones will be heartbroken or something..it never helps.. dare with your parents and family to be who you are.. Cheers.
Have a nice weekend. :)
LLR:Thanks for the positive vibes.
You’re right.
Everybody has their own unique perspective on life and the world around us.
Kanan: the journey is long and our bodies are but a vessel.
FathimaH : very well said.
NR: Yup or more appropriately, the awakening of my spiritual self.
elhame: thank you for your understanding.
Mzafirah: Merci beaucoup. (:
The moment I think I am out of all the boundaries, my growth stops..
on QL quite clearly potray your 'bitter-sweet' journey..
it is a never ending journey of self relisations and relevations.
Keep walking and keep discovering!!
bonne chance Marco!
continue travel the cross road you just choose.
Yes, you are right..as you grow your boundary grows..it does not mean you came out of the boundary..you came out from a boundary but entered the other one.. it is as infinite as your observation and the continuous definition of infinite in our thoughts is what pushes us further and further.
I think everybody has their own journey, has to figure out what it is and how to handle it...nobody can tell another person how to do it or what it is.
It's different for each person.
One can always comeout (or should we say grow) beyond boundaries; (that's growth, some say)
problem is, anyone who already made a limit around him/her, will see things as in/out whether or not others believe in it or not.
IMO, liberation (soul's) means breaking boundaries, coinciding with the universe, the creator; that's what learned people strive for.
Good for you marco...one step at a time! :) Things will fall into place, be persistent and patient.:)
Yes Painther, regardless of where you stand, your boundary is your past and present observation.. we could never come out of such boundaries..
LLR,
concept of "in" and "out" happens when we create boundaries, limit ourselves;
for a person of universe there's no concept of in/out, my/your.
and don't make your kids feel the same. Let them be what they wanna be. It would be the biggest challenge of your life.
We are just a little bunch of QLers but as diverse as the whole universe. :) Like you walked out of something and feel happy, and Fathima walked in on something and she feels happy as well. Like me I walked out, had few temporary stations and backed in again on something I feel happy.
It is more often our own self discrimination we put on our parents.. of course it looks like they put limits on us but We always had a choice to accept or reject. We always inherit but want to be unique as well. :) This is my favorite prayer Rabbi-'shrah li sadri
Lovely insight into your world marco, I can relate to a lot of what you said.
Well said marco..
but sorry to say that in these days culture nationality or job is only by how are you recognized..
Well life is indeed a journey and can only be taken to its fullest when you are mindful of your Creator and able to feel mercy or gratitude to His creations.
Now that you are free from those walls of indoctrinated ideologies it is time for you to create the changes and make a positive contribution of your own so that you won't leave anyone who meet you feeling bitter :)
TFS! It an insightful testimony and now I can put into perspective many of the posts you wrote that I found defaming, rude or cynical.
looking back at your past should not leave you bitter if it still does then I pray you find in your heart enough love to forgive what you have disliked/hated of your upbringing by showing gratefulness to your family and fellow people who must have given you lots of good things that you have enjoyed and are enjoying right now....they did what they thought was best with whatever understanding they had of this life , this world and their faith/religion/culture etc...
UKeng: your comment reminds me of a book I read in my univ days, called “redemption By Fire”, by Andrew Grey.
I had just failed my second year university exam and was struggling with depression.
Very difficult to break those shackles, almost impossible for ordinaires!
But, if done, the joy of freedom, and unison with universe is unfathomable!!
Delightful experience shared by a man of realization, or a man in path of conscious realization.
UKEng, I would like you to elaborate on what you said on spirituality..
"Sprituality is for people who have already been there and back."
You mean all those people who have been through hell are now spiritual...lol
I went there and back after my Cuban Shotputter left me. Now , I am afraid to go there again :O(
Religion is for people who are afraid of going to Hell.
Sprituality is for people who have already been there and back.
Now that you have started identifying yourself with the universe and know where you come from, your true 'spiritual' journey has begun.
refuse religious teachings at the expense of current trend ....
It's always a pleasure to know and learn about one's self. It also never fails to amaze me how diverse and contradistinct another's upbringing and journey to self discovery can be from my own.
My family was far from religious or even traditional. And we were always encouraged to be our own person from as young as our early teens. We were also reminded time and again that we needed to fend for ourselves and not be dependent on our parents and family!
This account of your voyage to self identification is truly moving and interesting. And may God's guidance and Mercy be upon you always..Aameen!