Classical Funny Reading (:
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "No, I work for the Inland Revenue (Tax Department)".
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********************************************************* Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a lawyer.
"Watch and you`ll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don`t buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you`ll see" says an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied,
"Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. That's right," Socrates continued,
"Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad,
even though you're not certain it's true?"
"The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test
though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
P.S.It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
LOLs,,"today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
Of course if you read from your Big mouth loudly as how you look in your profile picture..u will surely get tired..
Just read with your eyes mate.. ((:
LLR please stop posting i m tired of reading :D
A police officer sees BG driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls BG over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town!
Take them to the zoo immediately."
BG says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees BG still driving around with the truck full of penguins,
and they're all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls BG over and demands:
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
BG replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Once upon a time, there lived a poor hat seller in a small village in India. He earned his
livelihood stitching hats and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to
another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree. When he woke up, he was
surprised to find his basket empty and all the hats missing. Then he noticed a troop of
monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his hats. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his
hats. He lifted the hat on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their aping habits the
monkeys followed suit. The hat seller then collected all the hats and triumphantly proceeded
to the market.
As the years pass by, the hat seller has a grandson who too ends up being a hat seller. One
day he has to pass through the same forest to sell hats in the village on the other side. As
he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns
the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys
cause any trouble.
So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired
and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the hats gone. Then he
notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the hats. Smiling to himself he says, "Aha ! I know
how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick! So he hurls his hat to the ground
expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young hatless monkey
sitting in the tree. This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's
hat and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson
sarcastically: "HA! HA! DID YOU THINK ONLY HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA!?"
Hahahah very funny.. (:
ROFL "fluctuations" :D
Thnks for sharing LLR....................:)
Thanks LLR and don't worry you are safe :)
Lol (: Yup Wish I could.
LLR, please goto sleep ... :D
LOl RAK..u r scaring me now. ((: Good to see you btw.
"This is your first time"...
Good ones LLR :)
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Americans, too!"
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been in London for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one..
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" ..
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!".
Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Ur welcome. Glad you liked it. One more for you. ((:
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back...?"
LOL! Great ones....TFS:)
LLR i mean , aha .... well .... actually .... the thing is that .... i wanna say ....yeah u r right :-) (i hope lie for a good cause is not a lie) :-P
LLR, Sorry Cant read long Posts :D
but i think its funny so here is the LOL.XD for your POST :D
Yes I am of course. But Engineers are always smarter than lawyers. (:
hmmm but i guess its opposite , by any chance u r an engineer ?????
:) TFS
I just logged in and made my intention to discuss death but unfortunately the thread "Does Death Exist? New Theory Says 'No'" Itself died. ((: