I like your beard :)
By Sindbad in LoVe •
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" When she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Really, I can't," he replied. " My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said,
" Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
A women was cheating her husband, when the door knocks, she got afraid and ask her BF to stand beside two statues, her husband will be drunk, and will not notice him sure.
The husband entered, very drunk, but while passing, he noticed that the two statues are now Three!!! So he asked his wife: “how come I know see three statues instead of two!!
His wife replied in sorrow: “my dear, again u r drunk : ( how sad, u know that they r always three not two!!
Again, the husband more confident replied “ no, I am sure they were always two!!!”
The wife, trying to recover the situation, replied “no, they were two and u r drunk, please stop it and lets go to our room and forget about this silly argument”
The husband started getting more nervous, says “I AM SURE THEY WERE TWO” and in the same time he took his gun out of his pocket and was going to shoot at the statues… Yet, the THREE statues didn’t give him the chance and jumb all out of the room : )
[img_assist|nid=14534|title=F-word|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=110|height=180]
It dun't really matter.
365 days of sex
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
4 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, playingvideo games
etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.
[img_assist|nid=14533|title=OK to ure the F-word 2|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=180|height=135]It dun't really matter.
[img_assist|nid=14532|title=When it's OK to use the F-word|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=180|height=135]It dun't really matter.
Exercise Routine
New exercise routine. If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some .
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP.. .
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine.
It dun't really matter.
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country...we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a just a tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'.."
I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN
It dun't really matter.
I thought it was a bit too rude.
But hey ho.
It dun't really matter.
Good one JBH!
Cheers!
"Life can only be understood looking behind but can only be lived looking forward"
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
A3: Neither did she.
Q. How can you tell that a blondes having a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men?
A: Their heels.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Any reason that all the nice ones are about sex?
just wondering
Two women are talking at work and one complains of a terrible sore throat.
"Whenever I get a sore throat I just blow my husband and it is gone by the morning, works ever time."
The next morning she comes in to work and says "I took your advice and my sore throat has completely gone, your husband couldn't believe it was your idea."
It dun't really matter.
A young lad walked in on his mothers and fathers bedroom. Mummy was bouncing up and down on daddy. The little lad asked “what are you doing?” Mummy answered “just flattening daddy’s belly” The little lad replied “don’t bother, you’re wasting your time, when you go out shopping, the neighbor comes around and blows it straight back up!”
The plane is waiting for one last passenger to board. The passenger sitting next to the empty seat notices a drop dead stunner board, and she sits next to him. He thinks "I really need to strike up a conversation". "Hi, are you flying for business or pleasure?"
"Well, actually, I am attending the Global Nymphomaniac Convention, where I have to give the keynote speech".
"And what will be your topic?"
"Oh I debunk common misconceptions. For instance, statistical data proves that males of American Red Indian descent are blessed with the largest male members, not the gents commonly credited with this feature. Also, despite claims from the French and Italians, it has been demonstrated that Greeks make the best lovers. Oh, forgive me we haven't even been introduced"
"Very pleased to meet you. My name is Tonto Papadopoulis......!!"
funny blond joke
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the Jim.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Bob. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.
"I can't take your money," said Jim. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said Bob. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
***The biggest risk in life, is not taking one!***
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Lady1: How come your husband is always home on time?
Lady2: I have made a simple rule. SEX will be at 5 PM, whether you are here or not.
In a bar, one Guy told the other loudly ..
"I slept with ur mom last night"
The whole bar was silent after, waiting for the other Guy's response.
The other guy laugh & said, "Lets go home dad, U r drunk"
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
As some says ..
"Same Same"
looool
darude= michael? u know each other
ill rate that thief joke- 1 star.
lemme check out my archive for jokes for you..
[img_assist|nid=13090|title=Shavonne|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=180|height=180]
lol pal na am not michael.
Funny jokes :D
[img_assist|nid=13339|title=.|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=180|height=180]
So DaRude, i guess u r Michael :)
Take this one..
one women, in the bed with her husband, heard a strange sounds under the bed, so she was scared and nudged her sleeping husband:
Wake up honey, I hear strange sounds and actions under the bed, please check now, may be its a thief !! i am so scared..
The man beside her asked her to calm down and sleep .. How to calm down and sleep, please check now..
So he replyied: "I Told U dont worry and Sleeeep, I Am the Thief, and the One under the Bed is ur Husband"
Shavonne, I like to say jokes any time, all over the day, same as u like dancing :)
Just keep joking .. it will do u good :p
Sorry Kiara :)
thats why my gf used to ask me to get clean shaved hmmm :P
but now no gf and nice trimmed beard :D
[img_assist|nid=13339|title=.|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=180|height=180]
what an early morning joke.. lol
[img_assist|nid=13090|title=Shavonne|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=180|height=180]
That one is amazing
This one is mean
heheheheheh